Empathy is the most radical of human emotions.
Gloria Steinem

He sat on the edge of the bed holding his head, looking as he did at the lump lying underneath his flimsy blanket. Oh boy, he thought to himself as he felt a literal pang of sadness in his chest. He had a guest, and he could feel her sadness even in her awkward sleep and heavy breathing. It was going to be a long day thinking about this. How to proceed? » Read the rest of this entry «

“A what?” he asked, still groggy from the night before.

“An emapth,” she explained, drawing closer to his face. “Someone who has an extremely heightened sense of empathy. My whole life I’ve felt like this but I’m not sure I’ve ever met another one. Until now that is.”

He took a long pause and took this woman in. Who the hell was she? A teacher, yes, he knew that, but clearly also someone who drank too much, would spend the night with a stranger, however platonically, and had absolutely no fear of opening up, at least from what he could see.
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“Hello, Doctor,” John said irreverently.

“Come in asshole,” was the response.

Looking around john noticed the familiar stacks of yellowing papers and old books from the 60’s and 70’s. The guy was a classicist, he had to admit, and looking around he hoped to God he wasn’t looking at the ghost of Christmas future. On the other hand he knew the guy was brilliant, and he did kind of admire the mad scientist quality that seemed to permeate every area of his life.

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After an hour in the bar the frizzy haired bartender had told him half of her life story, and was on the verge of tears. Jesus I really do have the magic touch, John thought to himself. People had always told him their stories very easily, which was in a way rather surprising as he had always had a terribly big mouth, which was not exactly a blue ribbon quality in a therapist. He was trying not to think about what Dr. Paul had said about his wanting to be a “celebrity” therapist, and it stung a bit thinking how much he knew he had been right. He didn’t even really need to see patients anymore between his books, teaching, and other sources of income, and he had thought for a long while of cutting down to 4 or 5 patients a week. Now the pull to go back to doing therapy had gotten stronger. Why now? He kept repeating it over and over again. It was one of the first and most fundamental questions in therapy, and John knew that he had to answer this question for himself before he could begin to figure out some of what he was going through. » Read the rest of this entry «

She looked him over and thought for a second before responding. He had been good to her, that was true, she still didn’t know what he wanted, and until she did, she was a little bit wary of saying everything that was on her mind.

“I don’t know why I told you. It just ended up making everything worse,” she responded.

He felt the urge to rush in and defend himself, but then immediately thought better of that idea. He knew she had more to say, and that by allowing for a little silence she would eventually verbalize the conflict that was going on inside of her.

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Somehow he knew this before it even left Kim’s mouth. It was her. He had found the woman. That wasn’t exactly true, he knew where she worked, and he had gotten this information from a very fragile patient who was also a child, which was not exactly like hooking up with someone on Craigslist. Still, he thought this was a significant bit of information, and knew from his very short time with Stephanie that she might be an important person in Kim’s life as she began the very slow work of healing. » Read the rest of this entry «

The next day he called St. Luke’s elementary and asked for Mrs. Corcoran. She wasn’t in, and the receptionist asked if he wanted to leave a message. He did indeed, but what to say? Therapist first, therapist first, he reminded himself, and he told the receptionist he wanted to speak to her about a new student of hers who mentioned that the two of them were close, which was in fact the truth. Any personal desires he had were secondary to this, although even as he said this to himself he knew it was also partially a lie. He wanted to get to know her better and hoped this phone call was also a precursor to that.

So he left his message, feeling vaguely unsatisfied and disappointed that he hadn’t gotten to talk to her. In between sessions that day, he kept thinking about the movie the Wizard of Oz. His whole life he had gotten repetitive messages that popped into his head for weeks and even years at a time, and he was very curious as to why this movie would present itself to him right now.

He spent most of the afternoon thinking about the movie. It was actually one of his favorite metaphors to use in therapy, as it said so much about people’s interpersonal journeys. Often we have the answers to our problems, that was the easy part. The tough part was getting to the point where we took action in pursuit of these answers. Like Dorothy in the movie, we often have to stumble and stagger and fall down before we understand that there really is no magical destination, but rather a place inside ourselves of acceptance and understanding.

He thought even more about the characters in the story and what they were missing. More importantly he thought about what he was missing. He thought about what usually made him the most defensive, and realized this usually occurred when people pestered him about why he wasn’t married. Just the fact that the word “pestered” occurred to him in this capacity was revealing, and he was once again mindful of his own conflictual feelings about commitment.

Was he missing a heart? In some sense the tin man was the character that rang the truest for him. He gave every ounce of himself as a therapist, but somehow had an undeveloped sense of his own ability to give and receive love when the therapeutic day came to an end. Why was this? It was a question he had explored endlessly, and he knew the basic answers about being a child of divorce, attachment issues, etc.

Later that day another phrase came into his head, an old Buddhist proverb; ‘When the student is ready the teacher appears.” He thought about it all the time with regard to his relationship with Dr. Paul, who was an astute enough therapist to know that giving people answers was essentially a useless exercise. John himself felt the same way about therapy, but had a much more supportive and encouraging style, which he knew was at least in part because of his fear of confrontation. He always rationalized that this was just what he was comfortable with, but lately something had been nagging at him. What if being confrontational was in fact the empathic thing to do?

It wasn’t a new question in the field of psychology. In a ranking of the most influential therapist of the twentieth century, two names that were at the very top of the list were Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers, who had drastically different approaches to human change. John had gravitated towards Rogers, whose emphasis on empathy, active listening, encouragement, and the relationship between the client and the therapist influenced thousands of future therapists, and set the gold standard for how a therapist should conduct himself in a session.

Ellis’s style on the other hand was in your face, attacking people’s self-sabotaging ways of thinking and not allowing people for a second to make a victim of themselves. He was highly effective with this approach, and also influenced thousands of therapists and was in a large part responsible for giving birth to the cognitive-behavioral paradigm that was currently the most popular approach to therapy all around the United States.

John had used Roger’s approach to therapy for his entire career, and had established himself as a very successful therapist who had an excellent rate of client retention. This was a bit of a paradox however, as the goal of therapy was essentially to make it so your clients no longer need to come to therapy, although there was considerable debate as to the amount of time that such a process should take.

What John was actually debating however, was confrontation as it related to the scrutiny of his own behavior. He thought back to one of his favorite books on human behavior, M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled. In it the author makes the point that discipline in personal behavior, although exceedingly difficult, was at the core of a happy human experience. The entire book was full of amazing insights into human behavior, and john had read the book several times. The rub of the story was that the author turned out to be a hard-drinking womanizer who betrayed his wife who he had written such glowing things about. Many people felt these actions nullified the points he made in his book, as he couldn’t live up to the standard he outlined for others in his widely influential book. John disagreed.

It was the end of a long week and John found himself very tired of thinking about all of these issues in his own life.  It all seemed rather self-absorbed, and he needed a little break from his own thoughts for a while. Way against his better judgment, he headed across the street to the dingy bar and ordered a drink. It was going to be a long night.

Over the years he had learned a lot about his own drinking. One of the great lessons he had learned from talking to a lot of people that drank heavily, was that getting drunk was often an antidote to anxiety, which at its core was a future-oriented fear. That was the tack that he took with people who came to him with a drinking problem. What was the fear? What were they avoiding? At this moment John was wondering what he was avoiding, as he scanned his own body looking for signs of anxiety. His heart was beating way too fast. He was fidgeting around in his chair, and clearly knew that something in his system was on high alert. The proper thing to do would be to try and figure this out.

But that’s not what John did.

John had a switch when he was drinking, and most of the time he knew right where it was. Five drinks. If he got to five the feel good chemicals took over and John began to howl at the moon. Tonight the switch was thrown, and at 2 in the morning he was downtown in a very busy bar. The John that was out at two in the morning was only a remnant of the therapist he was the majority of his life, and tonight this was especially true. His last stop of the night was at a dingy little jazz place in the city where he thought he could wind down with some cool music and put this day into the books. He was wrong.

Waking up the next day he reached over with a sense of pending doom. He saw a dark mane of hair peaking out from under his blanket and felt a great rush of disappointment rise up inside of him. He had been raised Catholic, and sex always came with a hint of shame attached to it. There was more to this feeling though he was sure. He felt something very sharp hit his side, and winced at the realization of the chain of events he was sure he had just put in motion.

He looked up and noticed it was already 11 O’clock. He sat up and tried to figure out his next move. He looked at the snoring unclothed woman laying there and wondered what she needed. He wasn’t a believer that people could have casual, meaningless sex, as he had seen way too much evidence to the contrary. Maybe she was just lonely and needed to feel close to someone. He certainly felt like that sometimes, and reasoned that as long as they were both consenting adults that perhaps this wasn’t that big of a thing to feel so guilty about it. These thoughts were interrupted however by a loud banging on the door. Thinking it was his nosy landlady he slowly ambled over to the door to see what the commotion was all about. He wasn’t remotely prepared for what was at the door. It was Stephanie, holding a carton with coffee and bagels and looking even better then he remembered. Damn.

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, wow, it’s kind of amazing to see you,” was John’s reply.

“Uh yea, you too buddy, that’s why I asked to come in, I’ve been thinking about you.”

Before John could respond to this, he heard a noise in the background, and he felt a familiar feeling of dread rise up inside of him. Soon his worst fears were confirmed, when his houseguest appeared behind him scrambling around looking for her clothes.

“Hey guys,” she said shyly, “sorry to interrupt, but I have to get to work today.”

Stephanie took a long look at John and slowly turned to walk away.

“Wait, I, I wanted to talk to you, can I call you?” he asked pleadingly.

“You don’t seem to be ready for me today John,” she said sharply.

“And by the way doctor, there’s a person in there with you who might also need a little bit of your time.”

John thought about what Stephanie had said before he decided what to do about his houseguest. She had a point, it was incredibly selfish of him to simply dismiss this woman simply because he was interested in someone else. It was more then selfish, it was the antithesis of everything he had tried to put into practice about human interactions. What was her perspective about this? Was she embarrassed? Hurt? Confused? Did she even want to talk about his? He realized this last thought likely came from a selfish desire to avoid a difficult situation. He was a therapist. He was trained to talk about difficult things, and didn’t let himself off the hook so easily.

Despite being in a big hurry to get back to work, it turned out she did in fact want to talk. Her name was Kristin and she had recently lost her father. She had been drinking a lot, staying out late, and had been with a lot more men then usual lately in an attempt to feel closer to people and to forget for a while the pain that came from losing her father, who she had a great deal of unresolved issues with.

The whole thing made sense from a psychological standpoint. He was an older man, emotionally expressive, and likely said all of the right things at 2 in the morning to get this woman to agree to come home with him. There was a psychological precedent here that went all the way back to Freud called the “repetition compulsion” which explains how a person will repeat a problem from childhood over and over again trying to achieve a different result.

All of these thoughts were John’s attempt to intellectualize however. In this case John had at least on some level used his knowledge of psychology for his own personal gain, and now he wanted to do his best to deal with what he had done. After talking for nearly an hour, John gave her a recommendation for a female therapist he knew who he thought would be a good fit. He also informed her she could call him if she wanted to talk about this more, and even be friends moving forward. It was what he had to give right now.

After she left he thought all day about the situation he had created, and what he could learn from the way he had behaved. He had always considered guilt an essentially useless emotion, but also believed that people had to take personal responsibility for their actions. More importantly, he wanted to think about what it was that made him keep repeating this behavior over and over, and what problem he was trying to solve from his own past life. It was certainly not a new question, and he was pretty familiar with the answers, but now he had to figure out what he was going to do about it. Something deep inside of him told him he had the chance at something spectacular in his life if he could somehow begin to put some of his own demons to bed.

His first instinct was to call Dr. Paul, but he knew he was taking advantage of that relationship, and wanted to think outside the box this time. Besides, he had followed his advice last time. He had “found the girl” whatever the hell that really meant, but clearly that didn’t solve any of his immediate problems. On the other hand he knew and believed that there was no such thing as chance encounters, and that perhaps this latest sequence of events in his life would make more sense when he had the luxury of looking back on them and seeing how they fit into his personal narrative.

He thought back to one of the first things Stephanie ever asked him. What was an empath exactly? He had spent his whole career dating back to his time as a student thinking about the idea of empathy, but the term “empath” had a bit of a different connotation. He decided he wanted to find out more about what it is this term exactly meant, and decided to do a little more research on the subject at the local bookstore.

“Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs.”

John read the passage with a sense of heightened curiosity. Was that him? A large part of him always hated talking about his own feelings, and he was resistant to the idea of therapy for many years because of this personality trait. One of his mentors had always told him that a therapist’s best tool was his own feelings and experiences, and he knew this was true, to a point. He had himself written extensively on the subject of countertransference, which refers to the feelings patients stir up in the therapists who they chose to tell their stories to.

John had always felt a little different about this subject though, and wondered if he wasn’t in a sense missing something that most of his colleagues seemed to get. He usually had a pretty good idea how a therapy session was going to go, simply by picking up on cues his patients were giving off in the initial moments. Often he had to wait for a person to find words to describe emotions that he already knew they were feeling, and part of his success as a therapist was in intuiting these feelings and then helping people find the words to describe them.

Conducting therapy didn’t take the toll on John that it did on many therapists. Many of his friends and colleagues in the field found it exceedingly difficult to deal with the way they felt after multiple sessions in a day, but this wasn’t the case with John. What if he was wrong about this though? What if his drinking, his depression, and his lack of intimacy were all some kind of symptom of feeling things too deeply? Was this possible? If it was it rocked the foundation of everything he believed about himself as a therapist.

Although he was often very wild and undisciplined in his personal life, John was the model of a calm, compassionate therapist in session. He attributed this to many year of working through personal issues, which allowed him to go into the sessions a rationale yet empathic voice of reason no matter what his clients chose to bring into therapy. But part of him knew this was bullshit. No one can really hear about other’s misery and suffering day after day and not have it take a toll, it simply wasn’t possible. John thought about this in his own life and realized that where he was concerned, this idea may go well beyond what happened in the confines in therapy. Thinking about this, he felt he was perhaps on the cusp of a significant discovery.

What if it was John’s relationship with the world that had been the source of so may of his difficulties and personal demons and challenges? It wasn’t a totally new thought to him, but knowing that there were people that had actually researched and written books on this subject was exciting to him. He thought back to his childhood, and how he had always felt things very deeply but also very privately as a way of avoiding being mocked for this heightened sensitivity that he felt.

As he was searching through his memory bank, he thought back to something he had seen when he was about 15. He had been visiting his dad when he was a kid and they had gone to the river for the day for a picnic. It had been a fun day hanging with his brothers and sisters, and at one point he had wandered over to a part of the river where the current was extremely fast. He looked up and saw a kid about his age standing on a rock near the river, and then was hit with an amazing pain in his stomach that nearly doubled him over.

He screamed out in pain and a few people looked over. The boy standing on the rock looked over at him, and the two of them locked eyes for what seemed to John like hours. That was the first time John had felt it. He knew. He felt everything the boy on the rock was feeling, and for that moment the two seemed to be transmitting a powerful unspoken understanding about life, pain, and loss. He could feel that the boy on the rock didn’t want to live anymore, and felt a great sense of urgency to do something to help save him.

But it was too late. The boy hurled himself into the current and was quickly swept away. He watched the boy flail in the water, and literally lost his own breath watching him gasp for air.

The boy had changed his mind about wanting to die, he could fell that too. He thrashed and flailed and tried to swim, and dozens of people in the park had now rushed into the water to try and help him. The boy eventually made it back to the shore with the help of these people, but he was unconscious and not responding to CPR. Eventually an ambulance came and took the boy away, but John knew the boy would never be the same again.

As he sat remembering this story he noticed he was crying, and was surprised at how powerful this memory was for him. He hadn’t thought about the boy in a long time, but now looking back wondered if that wasn’t a significant turning point in his life. He had started drinking shortly after that incident, and hadn’t really stopped since. Why had he blocked this out? What was it about this incident that seemed to propel him into the life he had now inhibited?  He wanted to read more.

“Empaths cry a lot, which makes most people, including the empath, uncomfortable. Because our culture does not embrace or value emotions, there’s not much permission to cry. As a result, when people see someone crying—emoting their feelings—they touch or hug the person, hand them a tissue, or offer “words of comfort,” all of which serve as a distraction that will usually stop the flow of emotions and, thus, the tears. (Why people are compelled to do this is different article in the making.) To give someone permission to feel what they feel—sadness, anger, fear, joy—and validate them by energetically holding space for them to keep feeling (and emoting)—is one of the most powerful, loving and healing acts (for both people) we can perform. For an empath, it’s a key to our survival. Being allowed to feel is a key to our survival. Talking about what we feel is paramount to our survival. Being able to cry about what we feel is mandatory for our survival.”

Rev. DebraRae

John read these words with great interest. One of the great secrets of his life was that he cried very often, in any number of different circumstances. He could however count on a single hand the people in his life that had actually seen him cry. This discrepancy perhaps went a long way in explaining his tendency to shy away from intimacy with others, and it was something he had only glossed over during his years of personal therapy. Why the disconnect, he wondered to himself? He watched people cry every day in therapy, and was very interested in exploring with people their inability to express themselves emotionally. Yet, in his own life this was a case of physician heal thyself.

He had always been fascinated by a quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne that “No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which one is true.” He was beginning to believe that this quote was especially relevant in his own life. People knew him as a kind–hearted person, but he really had to examine how often in his interactions he was ever in a truly vulnerable position. The answer was almost never, and this had been especially true since he had received a bit of notoriety as an author.

The word “vulnerability” conjured up so many images, and for most of John’s life he had associated it with weakness. As a student he had been especially resistant to criticism, and hated being picked apart by people with heads higher on the totem pole than his. In relationships he had always picked younger women, and, although he had been in relationships with some amazing women, also seemed to arrange things where he was the person in the relationship with more of the power.

Where had this left him? Alone, for one, although this really wasn’t a source of great heartbreak for him. He liked having his freedom, and was able to produce a significant amount of work creatively as a result of this freedom. Still, he knew he was lying to himself when he rationalized he would be ok being by himself forever. He didn’t think this was how people were meant to live, and spent an extraordinary amount of time as a therapist working to rewire and repair frayed human connections. He somehow always applied a different standard to his own interactions though, and now as he got older he wanted to find out why.

He returned to his reading, and stopped to contemplate the idea that we are conditioned as a culture to stop a crying person from feeling as opposed to letting them purge and work through their difficult emotional feelings. It was a profound insight, and reading it made him consider how this idea had impacted his own life. Although he was very much favor of this idea for others, in his own life he chose to carry his crosses alone. Perhaps it was time to try something another way, but he was lost on how exactly he was supposed to go about this. This time he did call Dr. Paul and make an appointment, confused for the moment from trying to put all of the pieces of his personal story together.

Upon arriving at Dr. Paul’s office, his receptionist didn’t even attempt to hide her displeasure at seeing John, and the two of them sat together in uncomfortable silence for what seemed like an eternity. As he sat there thinking about this, he remembered an old episode of Seinfeld where George assumed that because his every instinct had been wrong, that therefore the opposite of this must be right. With this in mind he went up to Dr. Paul’s secretary, and struck up a conversation.

“You know I’m embarrassed to say this, but in all these years we’ve known each other, I don’t think I’ve ever known your first name, and I was sitting there thinking how rude of me this was,” John said sincerely.

“Well I don’t know what that has to do with anything,” she said back curtly.

He couldn’t help himself and burst out laughing at the sheer absurdity of her answer. He looked at her closely, and then, miraculously almost, he saw the faintest corner of a smile begin to form. Then, sizing him up, she began to laugh along with him, and soon the two of them were laughing and talking together about how and why it had been so uncomfortable between them for so many years. He found out her name was Mildred, which didn’t surprise him in the slightest. Still, he was delighted to find she had a sense of humor after all these years of awkwardness.

Dr. Paul came lumbering out of his office, and had to rub his eyes when he saw his wayward protégé and perpetually pissed off secretary giggling like a couple of schoolgirls.

“Umm, am I interrupting something here guys?” he asked suspiciously.

“Lighten up Doctor,” Mildred said sternly, and with that they all began to laugh, and John was very glad to see he hadn’t disturbed the Dr. Paul universe as badly as he originally feared.

“I was prepared to give you a lecture about being a pain in the ass, but seeing as how you made nice with my girl out there, I’m gonna cut you a little slack,” Dr. Paul said with a smile.

“I’ve had an epiphany my friend, the way I’ve been living keeps leading me back to the same place, so I decided to mix it up a little. What you saw out there was part of the fruits of this decision.”

“Um, John when I told you to find the girl, that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind,’ Dr. Paul said laughing, “But please do tell, what has led to this amazing transformation?”

“The thing is smartass, I’ve been thinking all week about something you said to me years ago when I was a student. You said the job of a psychologist was to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. I’m quite sure you stole it from someone else, but the point stands. I’ve been comfortable for way too long, and it was time to hold a bit of a mirror up to my face.”

“Great speech pal, but I need some specifics,’ Dr. Paul said more seriously this time. “What are you prepared to do differently? What have you learned? What are you doing NOW to make these changes?”

“Jesus you are a hard-ass,” John said, slightly hurt by the response. “Well for one thing I did some thinking. I thought about your question regarding empathy last week and I think I know what you were trying to say. Empathy is about love, although that word certainly has a hazy definition. My feeling was that you were implying that empathy was about some kind of larger love for people in general, for their flaws, their pettiness, their fuck-ups, for all of it really. More of a compassionate embrace of all of these stupid fucking things we do that bonds us all together.”

“That’s well spoken John, I can see why people buy your books, you always know just the right thing to say, but you still haven’t answered my question. What are you doing different? You’re a charming guy, I know this, but you can’t bullshit me. Seriously, tell me about your actions. You’re too slick with words,” Dr. Paul said forcefully.

“Alright, you’re right. What have I done differently? Nothing. Quite the opposite actually. I found the girl, as you suggested, she came to my house, and found me shacked up with a woman I met at a bar. So no, my actions haven’t been different. You’re right, I’m an asshole. I’m here because I’m a little confused, and don’t know exactly what to do next,” John fired back with more intensity then he intended.

“Alright John, so you found her and then sabotaged it somehow, I can’t sit on a soapbox about that, I’ve certainly done my share of self-sabotage. You know me pal, and you know goddamn well I’m not gonna tell you what to do,” Dr. Paul continued. “The question you have to ask yourself is what are you willing to do to make your life different? You mentioned the relationship between love and empathy earlier. I think that’s an important lead for you to follow. What do you love John? What have you ever loved?

John left Dr. Paul’s office with a smile. He remembered another old shrink telling him that you haven’t done your job if your client doesn’t walk away at least a little pissed off at you, and John was definitely a little pissed at Dr. Paul. Still, his questions had some merit. What did John love?

He thought back to something he had read from Irv Yalom, one of his favorite authors on the subject of psychology and in particular the patient-therapist relationship. Yalom suggested that a therapist had to find something to love about all of his clients, and that without this love therapy was ineffective. It was a radical position in many ways, and ran contrary to the work of many prominent therapists, including the highly influential Albert Ellis, who suggested that how a therapist felt about his patients was mostly irrelevant.

John thought back to his first years as a therapist. He had gotten highly involved in every case he took on, and it was Dr. Paul who eventually noticed this and advised him about learning to keep some boundaries to avoid a massive and exhausting flame out. He had cut his caseload back at the time, but still found himself getting highly involved with people, as was the case with Kim right now.

He returned again to the subject of love. He did love most of his patients, in a sense the way he imagined a parent loved a child. He hurt when they hurt, celebrated their small accomplishments with great joy, and encouraged them every step of the way. Still, another part of him found this painful and exhausting, much like he knew many parents did. He had perhaps turned to writing as a response to that pain, and slowly the characters in his books became these children, without all of the real-life consequences and emotional investment.

Why did John keep finding ways to avoid this emotional investment? That was the important question. He knew that fear was a central theme in almost everyone’s life, and he was certainly no exception to this. Was he avoiding hurt? Heartbreak? Loss? He knew there was no more futile exercise. These things waited for us in our lives regardless of how we tried to run from them. He scolded himself mentally for thinking in generalities. What was he avoiding and what were the fears behind this? He was hearing Dr. Paul’s voice in his head, and chuckled lightly to himself. He was officially back in therapy. Hearing your therapist’s voice in your head is a sure sign.

He felt like he was on to something relevant here, and figuring out how love and pain intersected in his life seemed important. Did he avoid relationships because of the attending pain? That was an easy one, he knew he did, rationalizing that he was just as comfortable alone. He was more comfortable, but that hardly seemed to be the point of this short journey we have here on earth. Love and pain, love and pain, he couldn’t get this phrase out of his head, and knew that he could explore this question further in his own life he could begin to unlock some answers. He returned to one of his greatest inspirations, Joseph Campbell to help him further clarify his thoughts on the subject.

“For when the heart insists on its destiny, resisting the general blandishment, then the agony is great; so too the danger. Forces, however, will have been set in motion beyond the reckoning of the senses.  Sequences of events from the corners of the world will draw gradually together, and miracles of coincidence bring the inevitable to pass. ”

Joseph Campbell

John read the following passage slowly and carefully, although it had been a guiding force in his life, and the basis of two books he had written on his own, he wanted to take it in and absorb it this time. “When the heart insists on its destiny.” John had always thought this was about fear, but now for the first time he thought about it in terms of love. Campbell and Jung had both talked about love as a kind of joining of forces that helped a person find the missing parts of themselves. Was this the heart’s “destiny?”

John thought about this for most of the day, and for the first time really began to contemplate an idea that had been crystallizing in his head for some time. If he found romantic love, would it then exponentially increase his love of the larger world? Were the two not just interrelated, but absolutely intertwined? John had rejected that idea for most of his life, believing that the fairy tale myths of modern Hollywood were short-sighted and even dangerous. Still, they were myths that were based on stories from the beginning of time, and John vowed to keep an open heart and mind about the subject.

He spent most of the day reading Campbell, and while he did made a number of notes about things he thought were relevant to his own search. John thought a lot about his own unorganized emotions, and how this lack of organization impacted his life for better or for worse. He knew he gave often of his love and of his heart, but also that he usually closed up the shop when an individual person got too close to his emotional core. Why was this? If Campbell was right, he should feel a desire to complete the missing piece of himself and become whole. Why did he keep swatting this piece away?

He thought a lot about how the idea of being an empath may also play into this, but was also very careful not to use that as some kind of rationalization for avoiding intimacy. Still, the question persisted; was there something unusual about him that didn’t fit with a basic human desire since the beginning of time? He knew that was a little dramatic, but still wondered if he perhaps felt things so deeply that it was difficult for him to maintain personal relationships.

This conjured up all kinds of questions for John about what the actual science of this may be, and if there was an explanation as to how his brain actually functioned. He had seen brain scans done on sociopathic people before, and had observed how their brains did not seem to register any empathy whatsoever when watching other people in pain. All of the science behind these kinds of tests were controversial, and in part based on the premise that people possessed something called “mirror neurons” which explained on a biological level how one human feels pain when he or she watches another one suffer. It had also been suggested that autistic people lack these mirror neurons, which inhibits their ability to read and transmit emotional cues.

According to one theory, autism and empathy exist on opposite sides of a spectrum between complete lack of feeling and a sense of being utterly overwhelmed with emotions. Men tended to fall more to the autistic side, while women more to the empathic side, but really most people fell into the average range of this equation.. There were however extremes, and John had truly begun to contemplate if he was one of these extreme cases.

As he was thinking about these things, John’s mind drifted back to another time and place. He was on his grandparent’s farm and he was 8 years old. He had wandered off into the Apple orchards and gotten hopelessly lost, when inexplicably, and seemingly out of nowhere, he happened upon a family of Mexican people eating the unripened Apples off of the trees. It had broken his 8-year old heart. He remembered doubling over in pain, and actually feeling how hungry they were to have to sneak into the Apple fields and eat this fruit that wasn’t even fit for healthy consumption.

The family had become alarmed, and had actually carried him back to his family farm, despite their fears of being exposed as illegal immigrants. He remembered his grandparents arguing as he lay in bed recovering, and how upset his grandfather had been that his wife had fed these people before sending them on their way. His grandpa had referred to them as “savages” at the time, and John had no idea what in the world that meant. He remembered being troubled though, and also feeling highly unsettled and disturbed. He hoped this memory would recede into the distance and let him get some sleep.

But sometimes memories come back. John had dreamt of his grandparent’s farm at least once a week for a decade, and wondered often about why this memory had become so deeply etched in his subconscious mind. There seemed to be a powerful lesson here about empathy, and despite putting forth an amazing effort into understanding this recurring dream, John had never really put all of the pieces together. Sometimes they come back. This phrase now popped into his head. What did that mean? What came back? Memories? Dreams? Lovers? He didn’t know, but all of a sudden he became very interested in the question.

He had spent nearly an entire day reading and thinking about these things, and finally found some piece from these words;

“Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, This is what I need. It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength is there. Any disaster that you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow. Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.”

John was learning.

John woke up the next morning with an odd rush of anxiety. Something was going to happen today, he was sure of it. He was going to see Kim today, and that was something he wanted to be sharp for, but there was also something else. He felt an odd mix of pending doom mixed with a kind of hope. Some significant change was on the horizon.

Driving out to Kim’s residence, John tried to put this feeling out of his mind. He wanted to give her the best of himself and be totally in the moment with her, and anxiety made that all but impossible. He felt like he had made some important internal strides lately, and he was dying to see Stephanie and talk about a number of things with her. He felt like he missed her very badly although he barely knew her. Even still, his feelings for her were strong.

As he pulled up to the driveway, he saw that Kim was waiting for him on the porch. It was a good sign he thought, and he even picked up on the faintest hint of a smile on her face. He was glad to see her.

“Hey kiddo, good to see you, what’s knew?”

“Oh, a few things, I guess. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. Do you mind if we walk again?” She asked excitedly.

John picked up on some good energy from Kim, and was encouraged while also a little cautious. He thought of a quote by Mitch Album, that “All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.” He knew that Kim has been badly damaged, but it was his hope that she wasn’t totally shattered. He would do everything in his power to make sure that didn’t happen, but knew it would take a lot of work.

“So you seem happy today Kim and it’s sure nice to see you smile, what’s going on with you?” he asked curiously.

“Well the thing is, I met this boy. He’s 14 and he’s really cute. I’ve really liked my new school and Mrs. Corcoran has been great. I feel like I’m getting to start over. No one knows about me there and I don’t get teased.”

“Wow, well Kim I’m very proud of how well you’re doing. I know Mrs. Corcoran and, yes, she is very nice,” John said as neutrally as he could muster.

“She knows you too,” Kim chuckled back. “Maybe I’m not the only one here with a little crush.”

John laughed out loud at that as they continued to walk. Damn kids were perceptive sometimes. He felt 13 for this second but resisted the urge to pump Kim for information about her teacher. Still, he was dying to know.

“Kim tell me about this boy. How did you meet him?” John said, sounding like a concerned father.

“He’s in my class. He doesn’t know about my situation though, and I don’t want to ever tell him,” she said sharply.

“Yea, I could see why you’d feel like that. I just hope he’s nice to you. You deserve someone to be nice to you. I hope we can talk a little more about what it’s like to have such a big secret to keep. One thing I want you to remember though, is that you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re a good kid who survived a very hard situation. Keep that in mind Ok?”

With that Kim began to gently cry. Although John didn’t intend to cause her any pain with his comments, he also knew that she needed to work though this. People are quick to try and convince someone who is crying to stop, but he knew this was often a mistake. Legitimate grieving was an absolutely integral part of healing, and he wanted Kim to begin the process.

“Sorry if this is hard to talk about,” he continued. “I want to just remind you that I will never talk about or tell anyone about what we talk about unless I think it’s gonna lead to you getting hurt. Then I have to say something. But you can trust me and I will listen. I promise.”

“I know John, I know,” she said with a smile.

He liked it when she called him John.

On the way home John was feeling happy. Although he knew it would be an exceptionally long road for Kim, she was showing signs of resilience and he was encouraged. She seemed to have both her kindness as well as her sense of humor intact, and John knew both of these things would be tremendous assets in helping her cope.

John messed around with the radio and tried to find something pleasant for the road. He settled on Don Henley’s, “in a New York minute,” and began singing along with the music. His mind drifted off to the beautiful Irish-looking woman that had invaded his mind for weeks now, and he continued to daydream about her before he heard a loud boom. Then everything faded to Black.

John woke up wearing a hospital gown in unfamiliar surroundings. The last thing he remembered was Don Henley singing about how life could change in a New York minute, which seemed strangely prophetic given the circumstances. How long had he been here? Was he in a coma? John felt very alone in this moment, and wondered how bad his injuries really were. He was scared.

Eventually the doctor came in and explained to John what had happened. The accident had happened the day before, and he had lost consciousness for nearly 24 hours. His back had experienced some damage, and the original fear was that there would be some paralysis. A lot more tests were needed, but it looked like John would at the very least be off of his feet for a while.

John thought about his prognosis for most of the day. He had lived 30 plus years living exactly how he wanted, with very few consequences for his admittedly hedonistic lifestyle. John knew that he had no one to take care of him, although this was a thought he usually managed to put out of his head. Now a rainy day had finally arrived.

John found himself spiraling further and further into self-pity, and knew this was a dangerous road to go down. Although he didn’t have a family of his own, he did have people that depended on him, and he needed to start putting a plan together. He was particularly concerned about Kim, as he knew providing some stability and consistency in her life was vitally important.

John thought back to the previous morning, and the feeling he had experienced that something significant was going to happen, His sensors had known something was up, and the phrase “pending doom” that was in his head yesterday now seemed appropriate. Still, he couldn’t help but think this was also a kind of opportunity, although he was hard pressed at this moment to think of what that might be. He put it out if his head for a moment and began making a list. He had a lot of people to call.

Kim was particularly worried when he spoke to her, and he did his best to ease her mind. He was hoping he would only miss a week of appointments, and promised her he would do everything  in his power to maintain their usual schedule. Still, he picked up on same disappointment in her voice, and a wave of guilt rose up in his troubled mind. He was a therapist, and although he often took himself for granted, it was becoming clear to him that his patients needed him very much. All of a sudden he felt very heavy.

All of the emotional activity the day had unexpectedly contained had exhausted him, and after finishing his calls, John fell into a very deep sleep. His dreams were strange that night, and included visions of a nursing home which John resided in located in the middle of a busy intersection. Suddenly a car bolted directly into the home, and before John could get out of the way, he jerked up in bed awake. Gathering himself, he looked around and saw that he was still in the hospital. He had to rub his eyes however when he gathered focus and saw both Dr. Paul and Stephanie sitting at the end of his bed, chatting like they had known each other for years.

Strange bedfellows.

“Must have been quite a dream John,” Dr. Paul said with a laugh.

“Haha, yes Dr. Asshole, it was, thanks for your concern,” John said while laughing. “I see you met Stephanie. Hello by the way Stephanie. So nice to see you, but, how in the world did you know I was here?”

“Kim told me John. She and I have gotten quite close since she started school with us, and she was very worried about you. You mean the world to her you know. Maybe you didn’t know that,” Stephanie explained reproachingly.

John looked over at Dr. Paul and saw the slightest bit of a gleam in his eye. He was quite sure Dr. Paul loved to hear him get scolded like this, and he reminded himself to give him shit for this at a later date.

“I’m gonna let you guys talk for a minute John,” Dr. Paul said while grabbing his coat. “A friend of mine is here on another floor with a broken hip. Jesus I am getting old. Anyway, I’ll come back and see you in a little while alright?

“Alright doctor, go spread your sunshine somewhere else for a while,” John said laughing.

And with that Dr. Paul made his exit, leaving John with this mysterious and beautiful woman that he wanted so much to explore. Although the hospital wasn’t exactly first date material, he felt a rush of excitement just being in her presence.

“I have to tell you Stephanie, although I am really glad to see you, I am amazingly curious as to what you and the good doctor there were talking about. Do you know each other?” John asked curiously.

“No, but we talked for a couple of hours while you were out. He’s quite an interesting man, and he obviously cares a lot about you,” she continued. “He was your therapist wasn’t he?”

“Did he say that? I’m not totally sure I would call him my therapist. More of a mentor slash archenemy,” John said laughing.

“Well you are very important to him. He’s a tremendously empathic person, that much was obvious. I also thought I picked up on a great sadness in him though. Like he has experienced a tremendous amount of loss,” she explained seriously.

“He lost the great love of his life about 10 years ago, and since then he has never really been the same,” John explained. “They had one of those crazy rare connections that comes along maybe once in a lifetime.”

“Crazy rare connections ha? I felt like that might be it. Like maybe he had some kind of great love in his heart that was on hold or something like that.”

“On hold?” John asked. “I like that, and can kind of relate to it in my own life. I’ve always felt like I had a ton of love to give someone, but never quite found the way to do it. Man, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I guess being in the hospital I’m feeling pretty vulnerable right now.”

Rather then respond, Stephanie came over and put her hand on John’s face and held it there. It was one of the most comforting things he could ever recall experiencing, and he reached up and touched her cheek as well. They didn’t say anything for quite some time, but eventually they both succumbed to their feelings and shared a passionate kiss,,

John felt like he was 14 again…

They sat and kissed for a while, both of them wanting to make up for all of the time they had wasted over the last several weeks. Eventually Stephanie just crawled into John’s bed and laid beside him. It was one of the most intimate moments of his life. They kissed again, and held each other until it finally came time for her to go, although neither one of them wanted the moment to come to an end.

“So what happens next?” John said as she got her things together.

“Well part of that is going to be up to you,” she said quietly. “But it’s clear you’re going to need a little help for a while. Will you let me help you John?”

“I don’t think there’s anything I would like more,” was his reply.

An hour later Dr. Paul came strolling back in wearing a Cheshire cat grin. John had gotten quite astute at reading his facial expressions over the years, and knew that his old mentor was terribly amused.

“I gotta hand it to you John,” he said smiling. “I’ve seen guys go to great lengths to get a girl, but I think this takes the cake. Can’t say I blame you though. She’s quite an amazing woman.”

“She sure is. It sounds incredibly strange, but I’d get in a thousand car wrecks if it meant I got to spend an hour like I just spent.”

“Jesus man,” Dr. Paul said sharply. “Do you really think it’s about the car accident? If so I’m pretty disappointed in your powers of perception. You’ve been afforded a glimpse pal. A glimpse of what it’s like to share every aspect of your life with someone. Not just the romance or the sex, those things are easy. I’m talking about someone taking care of you when you’re sick. Sharing your life when your body gets old and gets sick. For the first time in your life you are in a truly vulnerable position. Kind of scary doing it alone I’m guessing? Does any of this make sense to you?”

“It all does. Yesterday I had a feeling that I was on the cusp of a very big change. I think I’m just now starting to glimpse what life might be like if I stay on the road I have been traveling. I have to admit I didn’t like what I saw Doc. I know I may be talking at least partially out of fear here, but this woman just feels right to me. I know I’ve said that before, and maybe this feeling could fade, but I don’t think so. As you are so fond of saying, when the student is ready the teacher appears. I think it’s possible I found my teacher,” John said with a long and heavy breath.

“I would like nothing more for you John, I really would, but as you also know I’m fond of saying, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, and your track record with women isn’t so hot,” Dr. Paul continued. “I want you to think about where this all may be going. Really think about it. What could trip you up? What happens when you start to get bored? I’m not trying to piss in your cornflakes here buddy, but these are important questions.”

“I’m getting a little pissed off here Paul, which means I guess that you might be on to something. Although it pains me to say it, I think it would be best if I stayed in therapy for a while when I’m trying to figure all this out. I guess I would even be willing to start paying you,” John said with a laugh.

“You’re goddamn right you will, but John, lets be really clear about something. This is not gonna just be me holding your hand while you’re trying to maintain a relationship. You know damn well that’s not what I do. I want you to really explore where it is you come from and what it is you want to do with this precious little time you have been given,” Dr. Paul said sternly.

“I don’t need or want you to hold my hand, Paul, although I know I act like that sometimes,” John answered back. “I just think you might be the guy to talk to you about this, because as far as I can tell, love is what saved your life. I remember you and Susan when you were together, it was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I think I’m starting to understand that it is not analysis, or even empathy that may save my life. It is love. That’s hard for me to say believe me, but I’ve gotten to the point in my life when I’m asking myself, if not now, when?”

“Ok John, Ok,” Dr. Paul said softly. “In spite of everything I’m rooting for you. You’ve been like a son to me and believe me, it’s not easy to see you in pain. If I’m a hardass with you it’s because I think that’s what you need, but maybe I’ve been a little hard on you considering you’re lying here in a hospital bed. I want you to be happy, I really do,” he said with a pause.

“But you’re gonna have to do the heavy lifting.”

Having an unexpected amount of free time on his hands, John had been doing a great deal of reading. Wanting to expose himself to some new ways of thinking, John had begun reading the work of a relatively obscure Polish Psychiatrist named Kazimierz Dąbrowski. Dabrowski’s primary theory suggested that as people progressed through life, portions of their personality “disintegrated” as they began to integrate new ways of coping and more creative ways of solving problems. He suggested that it is often a crisis that spurred on this positive disintegration, and John thought a lot about this in terms of his own situation. He was in crisis, that was true, but he also felt a part of him slipping away.

In particular John knew that throughout his whole life, he responded to people with charm when confronted with any kind of difficult assignment. Now John faced perhaps his most difficult by facing up to his own avoidant behavior. He was actually quite excited about the possibility of change, and continued with his reading making notes and writing down a number of short term goals.

John was also very interested in a model called the “Stages of change,” which suggested that all human’s that experience change go through a number of different steps, beginning with precontemplation, then contemplation, and finally ending with some kind of action. It occurred to John that he had walked dozens of his patients though these stages, but that he had never taken the time to see how this worked in his own life. It was a shame it had taken a near-fatal car accident to make him see this, as he had only a vague notion that something in his life needed to change for decades now. Even still, he reminded himself that there was no sense beating himself up now, and wherever you go, there you are. He was still excited.

John’s enthusiasm waned a little following a session with his physical therapist, who put John through a workout that nearly brought him to tears. He was out of shape, and one of his immediate goals was to begin to put his body back together through regular exercise. He also wanted to cut back on his drinking, which was one of his most useful tools in avoiding dealing with big portions of his life. He always rationalized that it helped fuel his writing, which was at least partially true. He was going to have to learn to do a lot of things over again.

Later that day John did a phone session with one of his older patients, who asked him repeatedly if he was going to die. Yes, he told her, indeed he was, but how he spent his time until then was what really counted. She was not amused, and was asking the question with all sincerity. Still, it did in fact dawn on him at that moment, perhaps for the first time ever. He was going to die, almost did die. If they were going to write his obituary today, he was quite sure the story would be incomplete. He still had a lot to do.

John called a couple more of his patients over the day, and was continually surprised by how worried everyone seemed to be about him. He knew he gave a lot to his patients and had touched a lot of their lives, but as he was making these calls something dawned on him for perhaps the first time. All of the energy he had given to his patients, and essentially to everyone he came into contact with, basically flowed in one direction. No wonder people were often so confused around him. He gave freely of his love and compassion to others.

But he never let them love him back.

When John finally got ready to leave the hospital, the doctor asked him if he had anybody to take him home. Although the question was quite a literal one, he thought about it on a lot deeper level. In a literal sense, his car was totaled, and he really didn’t have another way home. He had spoken with a nurse who was going to come into help him with some of his basic activities until he got back on his feet. What was most puzzling to him was Stephanie had promised she would give him a lift home. Where was she?

He called for a cab and thought about this all the way home. Although she absolutely felt like a twin soul to him, he knew very little about the logistics of her life, except that she was a teacher, probably an empath, and lived with her boyfriend. Perhaps it was selfish of him to think she could just drop everything in her life for him. Furthermore, perhaps she was wondering what his intentions were towards her, although he instinctively felt she knew how strongly he felt for her. Still, he had met her at a bar the first time they met and they had spent the night together. Perhaps she herself was no stranger to reckless behavior?

Arriving home, he realized it was Groundhog’s Day, which he had always felt was a strange kind of day of renewal. It was an annual tradition of his to watch the movie of the same name, and he secretly had always felt the movie was a philosophical masterpiece as well as being very funny.

He had come to this conclusion as a young college student when he first stumbled upon the idea of what Nietzsche called eternal recurrence. Essentially what Nietzsche suggested, was that it is a possibility that we are destined to live this same life over and over again, with all of it’s heartbreak, disappointment, loss, as well as joy. He acknowledged that this could be absolutely harrowing and depressing, but that there was also another possibility. What if this was the greatest thing we could hear?  If this was an amazing gift of awareness that shocked us into some kind of heightened existential awareness? Anyway he also thought the movie was pretty funny, and settled in to watch it despite the fact that it was still quite uncomfortable to lie down.

After the movie ended, he though even more about the idea of eternal return as it related to his own life. Would he do it all over again? Suffer through all of the same mistakes and staggering and stumbling. He was almost sure he would, and right now, despite his body being in fairly significant pain, he was beginning to see the power of the journey itself.

He considered grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, but then thought better of it considering the amount of painkillers he was on. Every trip off the couch was a struggle, and he tried to plan each trip strategically. As the hours passed, he still had not heard from Stephanie, and he began to grow concerned that something might have happened to her. He knew she had his cell phone number, but wondered if perhaps she had lost it. He hobbled over to his home phone in the other room, which was also where his office calls were routed. Playing his messages he heard this-

“Umm John, hi.. I don’t really know what to say. I’m sure I let you down and I want to be honest about something. I felt something I had never felt before with you the other day, and honestly it scared the shit out of me. I thought I was on solid ground, and I wasn’t. I’ve been drinking for a couple of days now and don’t really know what to d know. I’m sorry I let you down.”

John took a deep breath and though a lot about what he had just heard. He thought he was the scared one, but at least for today, it seemed like things had changed. He felt for her a great deal, having been down the same road more times than he could remember. He thought back to Dr. Paul’s oft-repeated idea, that when the student is ready the teacher appears.

But what happened when the teacher had a meltdown?

John began the day with some stretching and light exercise. It had now been over a week since he had been in the accident, and through the combination of his hospital stay and abstinence from alcohol, he had lost 10 quick pounds. His back was terribly sore, and he made a mental note to appreciate what a wonderful gift it is to have the free and uninhibited use of one’s entire body. It was something he had always taken for granted until it was now gone.

John thought a bit about how he should handle this situation with Stephanie. She sounded pretty confused and messed up, and he wanted to help her work through this if he could. On the other hand he was messed up, and wanted to make a thoughtful choice as to how he should proceed. He thought back to an old line Dr. Paul used to use with regard to psychotherapy; it was a mess helping a bigger mess.

Instinctively John thought he should slow down with Stephanie, but also realized that part of this may be his natural inclination to pull away from people when they got to close. He had some deeply habituated ways of thinking that had got him to this point, and he vowed to hold them up to more serious scrutiny rather than simply accepting them blindly.

As the day progressed, John began to write in his journal to help work through some of the ideas that had been knocking around in his head. Although he was often insistent that his patients keep a journal to promote more mindful living, it was something he rarely did himself. Physicians rarely heal themselves.

As John continued to write, he felt he was on the cusp of an important idea. He was thinking of how Jung hypothesized that it was at midlife we begin to desire a sense of deeper individuation and exploration of hidden parts of ourselves. As he speculated as to what these hidden parts may be, he heard a knock, and was mildly irritated by the interruption. He hobbled to the door, and there stood Stephanie, clutching a bottle of wine and looking like she had consumed several already. She looked at John and then grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss, which was a jolt to his already injured back.

“Oh, sorry I hurt you John. Love always hurts a little though doesn’t it?” she said laughing. She entered the house and went straight to the kitchen, rummaging through his drawers looking for a corkscrew.

“Um, Stephanie, it’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but can we sit down for a second?” John asked in his best therapist’s voice.

“Yea, yea John I know we need to talk, but I need a little wine right now without a lecture. I just dumped my boyfriend and I’m a little bit messed up right now, so if you wouldn’t mind,” she said as she handed John the bottle, which was a twist off..

“Ok, ok, here you go,” he said, twisting the bottle lose and pouring her a small glass. “But could you at least let me make you a little something to eat?”

So John quickly whipped up some pasta, hoping the thick red sauce would help her absorb some of the alcohol. She stared intently at him as he cooked, but seemed too distracted to actually lend a hand. He was impressed that he still remembered how to do this stuff, although he was a pretty good cook when he took the time to do it, which was almost never.

As they sat and ate, Stephanie apologized over and over to John and explained that it had been as rough couple of days untangling herself from her boyfriend. He felt for her, and as she spoke, it dawned on him that she had rearranged her whole life at least partially as a result of her interactions with him. Normally this would be a red flag to him, but a big part of him was able to look at her and visualize sitting together when they were 80. But just right this second, they both had some stubborn remaining demons to extinguish.

Later in the evening, they settled into a pleasant evening together, with her resting her head in his lap. He gently stroked her hair as she settled in to sleep. When he went to shut the TV off, she awoke with a start, and looked at John and began kissing him passionately, quickly removing her clothing as she did.

“Whoa, whoa, Stephanie,” he said with a great deal of regret. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Don’t you want to make love with me John?” she said with more than a little hurt in her voice.

“More than you can possibly imagine,” was his response. “But this has been a rough day for both of us and there’s no need to rush. “In fact,” he said touching her face. “I hope I’m still making love with you when I’m a broken down old man.”

“You’re already a broken down old man John,” she said as they both burst out laughing.  And with that they walked hand in hand to bed, holding each other all night as they drifted slowly off to sleep.

John woke up to the smell of sizzling bacon, and thought he must be somewhere in a dream. The smell conjured up memories of his grandparent’s farm from his childhood, when his grandmother would wake up at the crack of dawn to cook breakfast for everyone. It was a wonderful memory.

Stephanie came into the room a minute later with a tray full of food. Quite sure he didn’t own bacon or a tray, he surmised she had gone shopping this morning, and he was thoroughly impressed by her domestic skills.

“This looks wonderful Stephanie,” he said with a smile, pulling her towards her as he did. At first they kissed slowly, and then she set the trey down and crawled into bed with him. They continued to kiss, and then, after a long moment of looking into each other’s eyes, they both instinctively knew it was time.

They stayed in bed most of the morning making love, and for John the connection was so intense he had to choke back tears. It occurred to him that he had waited a lifetime to feel like this, and now that he had, he felt a pang of regret for all that he had missed. He sat and admired her beautiful form as she settled back into sleep. How did he get so lucky?

Later that afternoon they got around to eating the breakfast she had put together, laughing and talking as they ate. In the back of his mind he thought about how all of this was going to work logistically, but then tried to put these thoughts out of his mind. He reminded himself that he had been gifted a wonderful moment, and that never again would he sit and laugh with this wonderful woman having just made love for the first time. He was learning to smell the roses.

That evening the conversation turned a little more serious, as John noticed Stephanie’s mood seem to change.

“Not that I am an expert empath by any means, but I do detect a little disturbance in the force,” John continued. “What’s up? Is something wrong?”

“All of a sudden I was thinking about Kim,” she continued. “She’s seemed very troubled lately and she won’t tell me why. I know about confidentiality and all, but what do you think? What can I do to help her?”

“I spoke with her on the phone the other day and she seemed a bit worried about my accident. We’ve grown closer over the last couple of weeks, and I’m definitely concerned she feels on some level that I’m abandoning her,” John explained

“Yea she has been extremely worried about you, and I know that is part of it. She’s come to see you as a kind of dad.”

“Well that is on some level one of the ideas in therapy, according to one theory anyway. The therapist in a sense reaparents the person coming to see them, and replaces an old maladaptive pattern of communication with encouragement and understanding. In Kim’s case she not only needs this kind of thing, but quite literally has no physical father in her life right now. I found myself acting like a dad the other day when she was telling me about her new boyfriend.”

“I find myself drawn to the idea of therapy as a kind of undoing of prior emotional family experiences,” Stephanie responded. “I feel like that in the classroom a lot as well. You see kids that are so tough on the outside but inside just dying for some kind of love and validation. I’ve seen that with Kim as well. So far having sex was the only way that she could get love from a parent, and that is so sick I don’t know if it can be undone,” she said as she softly began to cry.

John thought about what she said and was highly impressed by her empathy as well as her therapeutic acumen. He thought back to an old lesson he remembered regarding group therapy. Essentially it was suggested that the group becomes a recapitulation of the family itself, and that by observing and working with the in-process communications in the group, you could observe how someone behaved on their family.  Specifically John thought about what the therapeutic value of Kim spending time with both he and Stephanie together might be. He knew there were some possible ethical questions here, and didn’t want to mess around with Kim’s already fragile psyche if there was a chance he and Stephanie might not last.

“I have a question for you Stephanie and I want you to think about it a little before you answer,” John said seriously.

But before he could continue she walked over to John and kissed his forehead. “You’re thinking that it would be a good idea for the three of us to spend some time together, right? Well I think it’s a wonderful idea,” she said with a smile.

“And John”

“Yeah?”

“I’m in this for the long haul if that eases your mind a little.”

On the way out to Kim’s foster house, John looked out the window with a smile. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been a passenger in a car, and he felt strangely safe having given up control to someone else. He felt like someone was taking care of him.

As they pulled up, Kim was sitting on the porch waiting for them to arrive. Seeing the both of them together was quite a site for her, and as she walked over to the car to get in, she couldn’t help but tease them a little.

“Well, well, well, I was hoping this day might finally come. So nice to see both of you, both of you together that is,” Kim said with a mischievous smile.

“Why do I feel like I’m back in the 7^th grade again Kim?” John replied with a laugh. “Anyway good to see you, how does Pizza sound for lunch?”

“Whatever you say doctor,” she fired back. John couldn’t help but notice that the way she called him “doctor” was suspiciously similar to the way he addressed Dr. Paul. The synchronicity of this was not lost on him.

As they sat down at the Pizza place, the three of them talked and laughed, and settled in to a comfortable sense of familiarity. John had been a little concerned that this would be awkward for her, but thinking back, he realized Kim had hinted around about he and Stephanie before they were even together. Maybe she was an empath as well?

“Kim what’s been going on since I’ve seen you,” John asked curiously. “So sorry I missed our appointment the other day, but man, I hate to admit it but I’m a terrible driver.”

“Yea, I kind of figured that,” she said laughing. “I’ve been really worried about you and missed talking to you. A couple of things have happened since we last met, some stuff with that boy we were talking about.” Looking over at Stephanie, she continued, “I’m not really sure what I’m allowed to say in front of Mrs. Corcoran, but I have some questions about some stuff and I don’t know who to ask. I guess you could say it is women’s stuff.”

John resisted the urge to chuckle, as he had a good idea about what Kim was talking about. He felt like he was perhaps being gently dismissed from the conversation, but also felt glad that Stephanie was also here to answer any questions she might have about sex, periods, and other subjects that girls are just more comfortable talking to other women about.

“You know Kim, there are a couple of things I want to say,” John said in his serious voice. “I am first and foremost your therapist, and if there are ever things you want to talk about that are just between us, that still stands. If there are some things, some woman things you are more comfortable talking about with Stephanie, that’s O.k. too. Just know that we both care about you very much, and understand if there are things that are easier to talk about with just one of us.”

“Thanks for making that easy John,” she said looking him in the eyes. “So if you wouldn’t mind, could you beat it for a minute?”

And with that John took his cue and hobbled over to the counter on his crutches. He was learning how to use them more efficiently, and decided he was even strong enough to play a game of Galaga which was in the restaurant’s arcade. As he made his way across the restaurant, he looked at all of the families sitting together, and for perhaps the first time in his life didn’t see a life that was utterly foreign from his own. It startled him a little as he looked around and saw white families with Asian kids, a gay couple with what looked to be their adopted children, older people with young children, and nearly every other combination a person could think of. It reminded him that families came in all shapes and sizes.

A half hour and several quarters later, the girls came up arm and arm to see how he was doing. They hit him up for a few quarters, and he laughed when he thought about this ritual from his own childhood. The three of them spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and playing video games, and for a day at least as 3 people who simply enjoyed each other’s company. John knew he was still Kim’s therapist, and that they had a great deal of work to do in therapy, but for now, modeling for her some kind of normal life seemed pretty therapeutic.

Therapeutic for all of them.

On the way home John thought a lot about the idea of family, and how our experiences with our families cast such a monstrous shadow over everything else we do. He knew because of some of his own family experiences he had always been hesitant about starting his own family, but now was rethinking this idea. People can learn and people can change. He had preached this as a therapist for years, but was just now starting to see how these things might truly happen in his own life.

Kim seemed upset to have to say goodbye to them, and when they dropped her off he again considered the ethical implications of this approach. She was getting very attached to both of them, and sudden disruptions and abrupt changes could have a very negative affect on her life right now. He reminded himself that less then a week ago Stephanie went on a 3 day drinking binge, and that he was also not always a model of responsible behavior. It seemed like something they should talk about, but for now he was very much trying to trust and enjoy such a wonderful feeling. Still, for him, everything changed when a kid’s welfare entered into it.

As they rode home, John reached over and put his arm around Stephanie’s shoulder. Watching how sensitive and kind she was with Kim endeared her to him even more, and even stealing little touches from her brought him a great deal of happiness. She looked over at him and smiled, and once again seemed to read his mind.

“John, I hope you’re not getting annoyed, but I can tell what you’re thinking,” she continued.  ‘You’re wondering if two people like us should be getting so involved in a little girl’s life when we can barely manage our own without falling down half the time. It’s a fair question and I’m thinking about it too. This all feels so right to me, and traditionally when I’ve felt like this I look over my shoulder to see when the other shoe is going to drop. I don’t mean to be presumptions, but being with you now feels like something I’ve been preparing for my whole life. Like I’ve made the same mistakes, fallen back into all the familiar holes enough times that I finally get a chance to learn from these mistakes and be happy now.”

“You’re not presumptuous, and I feel exactly the same way. At first I thought of it like maybe we were saving each other, but the more I think about it the more I think that isn’t right. All of those mistakes, all of those dumb things we’ve done, all of that time spent wandering alone in the dark. It brought us here. Both of here, together. That’s probably why it feels so comfortable between us. We’ve made so many of the same mistakes and felt so lost for so long that it would be virtually impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I feel understood, truly understood by someone for the first time, maybe ever. So I don’t think we’re saving each other, but that we’ve found each other so we can take all of these mistakes we’ve made and make something amazing out of the experience together,” John said passionately.

“Man you have a silver tongue buddy,’”she said with a smile. “How much do you remember about the first time we met? Do you remember any of the things you said? Because just so you know it was a speech like that, that made me decide to go home with you.”

“Uh I’d have to plead the fifth on that one, but my guess is I sensed it in you even then,” John explained. “Even that first morning I woke up with you I knew something in my world was about to change. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but in retrospect I’m pretty goddamn glad I was so slick.”

“You were more than slick John. You were totally honest and sensitive and kind, and I was knocked out by talking to you for a couple of hours. So much so that I was ready to sleep with you that first night. Then you passed out on me,” she explained. “But I knew something too John. I really did.”

“Well I’m glad,” John responded.  “That whole first day after you left I had this song stuck in my head all day. It was an old Billy Joel song called The Longest Time. My whole life I’ve loved that song. It’s about a guy who has waited forever to feel something powerful for another person. Even as a kid I used to listen to the song and wonder if it was ever gonna happen to me. It never did, I never got to experience what he was talking about in that song. Until now that is.”

She pulled the car over to the side of the road, and then softy began to cry. Unbuckling her seat belt she reached over and pulled John into her arms and they kissed. They sat like that for some time as it slowly began to rain.

They stayed up all night together talking and laughing and holding each other, and John could feel the bond between them growing considerably stronger. He knew that there was a very chemical component to falling in love, and tried to strike a balance between enjoying the feeling and holding on to a realistic view of where they were going. He had always been cautious with the idea of “soul mates” and an overly romanticized version of love, but what he felt for Stephanie was much stronger than anything he had ever experienced.

He thought it was probably a good idea to see Dr. Paul this week and talk some of this over. He was especially interested in hearing his opinion on the approach he was taking with Kim, and the possible ethical implication of modeling a nuclear family for her. He wanted to get back into a familiar routine with all of his patients, but suddenly realized he was without any viable means of transportation.

After talking with his new friend Mildred at Dr. Paul’s office, he set up an appointment for that evening after he was through seeing his own patients. He decided he would rely on Chicago’s cab drivers to get around for the next few days, and ordered one to pick him up in an hour. He knew it would take him a little more time to get ready this morning attending to his various injuries.

It felt good to be back at work, and he found that the worry and concern his patients had felt for him when he was hurt strengthened the bonds he had with them considrably. In between sessions he thought of something one of his favorite therapists Heinz Kohut said about narcissism. In an effort to explain narcissism he used the metaphors of an agonizing toothache and being in love. When a person has the agonizing toothache they are unable to focus on anything or anyone besides their own problem. He hypothesized that that was how a narcissist saw the world.

Conversely he talked about seeing the world like a person in love sees it. The person in this case is so significantly affected by being in love that they are unable to examine the world with any kind of critical eye.. Now that he was personally experiencing being in love, he was beginning to understand what Kohut meant.

On a deeper level he thought about a conversation he had with Dr. Paul about how feeling a deep sense of love for someone affected a person’s larger sense of empathy for other people. John had always suspected that Dr. Paul’s sense of empathy began when he had found such an intense sense of love in his marriage. When his wife died this sense of empathy seemed to grow, and although a kind of sadness enveloped him when it happened, he seemed to be honoring her memory with a much deeper sense of love and compassion for his fellow human beings.

John felt much more in the moment the entire day in therapy, and for the first time felt a shift in the way he conducted himself professionally. Although he knew he was a competent therapist, a part of him always listened to people’s stories with a bit of a selfish ear. Much of what he heard in therapy eventually became material for the books that he wrote, and although he always took great pains to protect people’s privacy, he was beginning to see how this may have detracted from his effectiveness as a therapist.

He had always wondered why Dr. Paul had never published anything as a therapist, and had even mocked him at times for his relative anonymity. Now he was starting to understand. For Dr. Paul his patients were his novels, and seeing people make changes in their lives was more than enough to gratify him.

John’s last patient of the day was a middle-aged woman who had lost her husband the previous year He did very little traditional therapy with her, and was mostly a voice of support and empathy when she was feeling down. She had been married to her husband since she was 17, and had talked often about how she would never experience anything like the love she felt for him again. As the session came to a close, John decided he needed to talk about with her.

“You know Cindy, there’s something I want to say to you,” John said as he leaned forward. “We’ve sat together all these months and I’ve tried to convince you that it was possible you will find love again and that you can and will have all kinds of new experiences. But you know what, I’m not sure I was doing my job, which is in a large part to make you feel understood. I think I get what you were saying all these months. Daryl was your life, and all of your love was invested in him. I’m sorry if I haven’t fully grasped what you were trying to tell me, but recent events in my life have I hope made me a better listener.”

As John finished his speech, Cindy came over and patted his hand. “I appreciate you saying that doctor. You’ve been a fine therapist and I’ve grown rather fond of you over this time we’ve known each other. You’ve been the one person in my life I felt I could truly talk to about Daryl, and it’s meant more to me than you know. So as your friend, I hope you don’t mind me saying something to you.

“What is it?” John asked with great curiosity.

“If I didn’t know better,” she replied with a big smile “I would think that somebody was in love.”

Damn, John thought to himself as she slowly ambled out of the room. Was he that obvious?

In the cab over to Dr. Paul’s office, John felt quite a bit more worn out than usual, and figured it was in part because it was his first day back after his wreck. There was more to it than that however, and he wanted to think about why it was he felt unusually drained this evening after spending so many years working as a therapist.

He thought about all of this in terms of empathy. He had always kept enough of a distance from people that he rarely took his work home with him. He had always had very powerful reactions to people in pain, even to the point of it causing him physical discomfort, but he had always numbed these feelings with his writing, drinking, or some other distraction.

Now he felt like he had in a sense opened up Pandora’s box. He was wondering if perhaps by letting someone get so close to him, he had opened up a piece of himself that had been sealed shut for most of his life. He knew he was very tired, and wanted to think about how this feeling might affect him over a longer period of time than one day’s worth of work.

Arriving at Dr. Paul’s office, he chatted with Mildred for a few minutes as he waited for the good doctor to call for him. He wanted to discuss how he was going to compensate him for his time, and thought about what exactly would be fair. All of the boundaries in his life were getting a little blurry right now.

“Come on in John,” Dr. Paul said with more professionalism than usual as John hobbled slowly into his office.

“Before we get started here John, I want to throw all my cards on the table,” Dr. Paul said seriously. “I am getting a little older now, and after a long day of therapy I’m pretty goddamned worn out. Normally I would go get a drink right now. I want to help you with whatever you need, but you need to know that in some ways, it is very hard for me to hear about someone finding love for the first time. It’s always been bittersweet for me to see people in love, as it reminds me of a time and a place where, for one season of my life I got a chance to glimpse something that very few people get to see. I guess what I’m saying is that for all of the shit I give you, I’m not immune to having a bad day sometimes myself.”

“Are you trying to tell me that the great doctor actually has moments of vulnerability?” John said with a smile. “Well welcome to the human race. Jesus are we switching roles here tonight? Or maybe you are modeling for me that sometimes strength is weakness, and weakness is strength. Whatever you’re saying I understand what you mean about being worn out. I haven’t been as worn out after a day of doing therapy since I was a grad student. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to do this for 30 years for a broken down old bastard like you.”

Dr. Paul let out an appreciative laugh at John’s speech as he got out of his seat and poured himself a drink from the secret stash in his cupboard.

“Jesus, the student has become the teacher. I never thought I’d see the day,” Dr. Paul chuckled back.

“Haha, well I’m glad I could finally absorb some of these lessons,” John laughed in response. “I remember one of the first things you ever said to me was that one of the most powerful things you can do for someone is to let them teach you something. Maybe after all these years you’re letting me do that. I really don’t give a shit if you want to call what we’re doing here therapy or consultation or a fireside chat. Frankly after a day like today I am content just to shoot the shit a little. Now are you going to be stingy with that Scotch or am I going to have to watch you drink by yourself?”

Dr. Paul poured John 2 fingers of Glenlivet and handed it to him with a sigh. He had never seen his old teacher look so tired, and he wondered if there was perhaps more going on with him than he was letting on. Frankly John was not particularly looking forward to being a patient this evening, and was quite entertained when Dr. Paul began regaling him with stories about his time in the Peace Corps and a number of other adventures from when he was as younger man.

They stayed up talking until well into the evening, and when John finally left, he was quite happy to have shared such a pleasant evening with his old teacher as a friend. He had gotten plenty of advice, consultation, and even scolding from him over the years, but surprisingly it was Dr. Paul tonight who had just seemed to need a friend to listen. As John stepped into the crisp February night, he felt something else however, and the whole cab ride home couldn’t shake the feeling that Dr. Paul was in some kind of pain.

John went to Stephanie’s house for the first time that night, and was thoroughly impressed ny her collection of books, movies, and antiques. Although he certainly felt a powerful bond with her, he was also curious about the little things that made her tick. Although he wasn’t the type to rummage through someone’s cupboards, he made a note to carefully observe the way she organized her life. He found her fascinating.

He told her about his concerns regarding Dr. Paul, and she confessed that she had also felt something significant when she had spoken to him in the hospital when they had first talked while waiting for John.. Hearing this, John thought about what would be the best way to proceed. He thought that if there was something important wrong with him, Dr. Paul would share the news, but on the other hand he wasn’t sure. Paul was a private man, who had traditionally liked to carry his own crosses alone.

John thought about how Paul had told him he was like a son to him when he was in the hospital, and at the time John had an immediate reaction that there was perhaps something more important behind this comment. Was Dr. Paul preparing for something? The comment had an air of finality to it that had both troubled as well as comforted him.

John mulled this over, and decided that he couldn’t just let it go. He remembered what it felt like to be laying in a hospital bed by himself feeling totally helpless and unsure if anyone even cared. He knew Dr. Paul was not the kind of man to ask for help, but also knew that sometimes you have to be forceful with the people you love when they are trying to push you away. He loved Dr. Paul, and decided that he was going to find out what was going on with him. As he called to arrange a cab out to Dr. Paul’s home, an old quote from Lao-Tzu popped into his head. “To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.” John felt like for the first time in his life, he was beginning to channel his courage.

It was a long way out to Paul’s suburban home, which was nestled in the town of Evanston which was a sort of liberal enclave along Lake Michigan just north of the city of Chicago. As a student John attended Group Psychotherapy seminars out on Paul’s sprawling, unmowed backyard, and he had always been fascinated by his home and in particular the crazy antiques and mementos that adorned the walls in his highly unusual house. He knew Paul would be home today, as for years he had taken Fridays off to sit and drink his wine and listen to his music as he drifted down his own personal memory lane.

As the cab pulled up John saw there was a strange car parked in the driveway, which was unusual because Dr. Paul almost never had company. He thought about something Dr. Paul had said about not being immune to having a bad day, and was starting to put some of the pieces together. Something was wrong with his health, and John strongly suspected this car in the driveway might be directly related to this.

His suspicions were confirmed when he let himself in and found Paul lying in bed in his pajamas chatting with a nurse and drinking some kind of tea. He seemed quite surprised to see him, and John knew he was in for a lecture on privacy at some point before the day was through. Still, this man had done a tremendous amount for him, and he could take a little abuse if it meant getting closer to the truth.

As the nurse packed up to leave, John felt a pillow hit the side of his head, and realized he had just been struck by some kind of flying object. It seemed the good doctor was feeling better.

“You nosy little shit,” Dr. Paul said with a smirk. “I would ask what the hell you are doing here, but I guess I have a pretty good idea already. You figured out I was sick, didn’t you? I sure as hell hope Mildred didn’t tell you. She’s hated you as long as I’ve known you up until the last month or so.”

“No Paul, it wasn’t Mildred,” John replied with a laugh. “It was just something I felt last night very strongly, and I wanted to follow through on that feeling. You taught me well you sneaky son of a bitch.”

“Maybe I’ve taught you too well John,” Dr. Paul said with a sigh. “Your powers are now intruding directly on my right to die in peace, and I don’t goddamn like it too much.”

“Die?” John asked, trying to hide his alarm. “Who said anything about dying. Enough with the bullshit already. I’m sure as shit not going to let you go to the grave without me hounding you every step of the way. I love you, you old bastard, and if there’s something going on with you than I want to know everything. I reject your right to privacy. You’ve meant too much to me in my life and I want to know what I can do to help, and I’m not taking fucking no for an answer,” John said with more force than he intended.

“Jesus John, you have become a force of nature these days,” Paul said with a laugh. “Alright John alright, I guess a big part of me wanted to tell you anyway. I have cancer, and it’s in my liver, and the doctors are not quite sure how much longer I’ve got. I keep going to work because it’s all I’ve ever known in my life. And you John, you will I hope be my proudest achievement kiddo. Now sit down and just shut up for a while.”

That night John needed a little cheering up, and he made a reservation at one of his favorite places in the city called Sabatinos, which was an old world little Italian place tucked away in a strange part of the city. Although he felt like he had known Stephanie his entire life, it was in a sense their first official “date”, and he was proud to be in the company of such an amazing and beautiful woman.

When she picked him up wearing a Black dress and with her hair recently styled, he nearly lost his breath. He had always remembered an old TV show from his youth that talked about love as being struck by the “thunderbolt.” At the time John thought it was sappy and made up, but now he was beginning to see what those writers were talking about. Everytime he saw her he discovered something new about the way she looked.

As they sat down, Stephanie grabbed John’s hand, and told him she was sorry about Dr. Paul. He was getting used to her powers of perception, but nonetheless amazed at how psychically attuned they were becoming. John thought about how he might have handled hearing this news just a few short weeks before, and reminded himself how lucky he was to be able to share this part of his life with someone. He was learning that one of the most comforting parts of intimacy came from no longer having to go down these roads alone.

He told Stephanie about Dr. Paul’s liver cancer, and everything he had told John about his prognosis and what he could expect in the coming months. Having lost her own mother to cancer at a young age, Stephanie was quite familiar with the process, and assured John that she would help him take care of his old friend in whatever way she could.

After dinner they made their way over to the piano bar at the front of the room, where the patrons could sit right at the piano and sing along with the songs with all of the other patrons as well as the singer. Having spent several years working with elderly patients, John had developed an affinity for older songs, and they sat for quite some time singing along with all of the music from Sinatra and Tony Bennett and all of the other old standards. When the singer started with his version of Etta James’ song At Last, John asked Stephanie to dance. Although he was hobbled and in pain, the song summed up everything he felt about the recent events in his life, and for once he had the perfect person to share it with.

Later that night they again went back to Stephanie’s place, and she surprised John by bringing out an old record player and playing some of his favorite songs from each decade. They continued to dance, and it felt good for John to start to move again and stretch his muscles out a little bit. He was in physical therapy now, and each day he felt like he was getting some of his strength back as well as some of his flexibility. He vowed he would never take these things for granted again.

“And now, because you have been such a wonderful date and danced with me all night. I have a surprise for you John,” Stephanie said with a smile, “For the final song of the night, I present to you, the first 45 I ever bought. Please enjoy.”

As the record came on, John burst into a huge smile and laughed appreciatively. It was Billy Joel’s The Longest Time, and he was not at all surprised that it was the first record she had ever purchased. More and more it felt like they had been waiting for each other their whole lives.

That night they made love for hours, hardly even stopping to talk as they had done on previous occasions when they had been together. It was the most intensely passionate night of John’s life, and he felt himself falling deeper and deeper in love with this woman everytime they were together. This was the last thought he remembered as they finally fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.

That night John had a very powerful dream. He was struggling to catch a train, and, although he was quite sure he would never make it, he ran to catch up to it anyway. Just as the train was pulling off, Dr. Paul appeared and made arrangements for John to get aboard. They road together for quite a while talking and laughing, and then Dr. Paul said he had to be leaving, but that he would be happy to ride with John anytime.

As the train continued on John remembered feeling very alone, and stopping at the bar car to ease his pain with all of the other single men. He continued to drink, and got drunker and drunker as the train began to careen out of control. John became alarmed, and frantically pushed the button to get off at the next stop, but it was to no avail. Then suddenly the trained veered off into the street, and came screeching to a halt in front of his grandparent’s old home. As John rushed to get off the train he saw Stephanie and Kim waving at him from a front porch swing. He woke up with a start, sweating profusely and with his heart nearly pounding out of his chest.

The last time John had experienced a dream like this, his mother had called him the next morning and told him his father had died during the night. It was the most haunting memory of his life, and since that time John had always paid very close attention to the content of his dreams.

John sat up in bed and thought about how he should proceed, and realized that, although the dream certainly had some potentially foreboding themes about Dr. Paul, that there was also a great deal more content to think about.

Taken at its face, the dream could perhaps be interpreted that Dr. Paul had traveled a long way with John on his journey, but that now he would have to take personal responsibility for his life and find his own way. On the other hand there was indication that Dr. Paul’s influence would always be there, as he assured John in the dream he would be willing to travel with him anytime. Clearly there was a warning against drinking as a kind of self-sabotage in the dream, and some kind of indication that Stephanie was a way “home” for him. Not just home though, his grandparent’s old home which he had dreamt about so many times over the years. A lot of powerful images to think about here.

The confusing part of the dream was that Kim was with Stephanie as his subconscious created the idea of “home.” He had dreamed of his patients before, and knew that because the three of them had recently been out together as a kind of family, that this idea may have lingered in his psyche longer then he may have realized. Since the death of his father he was very reluctant to dismiss anything in a dream, and pondered for the rest of the day the specifics of what this all might mean.

Later in the day he got a call from Kim’s foster mother describing how Kim had been in a fight at the home, and how she was extremely concerned as it seemed highly out of character for her. She asked if John could speak with her about the incident, as she refused to tell her anything, which she described as quite frustrating.

As John had been making progress in his recuperation, he decided it was time he got back behind the wheel of a car. Despite being slightly traumatized by the idea of driving again, he also missed the freedom of being able to do what he needed to do without being at the mercy of Chicago’s equally terrifying cab drivers. He made arrangements to rent a car for the next week while he thought about what he was going to do about replacing the car that he had ruined.

On the way out to see Kim, John continued to think about what it was last night’s dream was trying to tell him. Was Kim a part of this home that could potentially save him? Although he was well-connected with a number of agencies in the city, he knew her situation was likely to be chaotic for years to come. There were a number of families who were truly committed to providing good homes to kids in trouble, but the reality was that there were almost always problems. It broke his heart to think about Kim becoming further damaged by this experience, and although he knew he was in a difficult situation regarding his therapeutic boundaries, he also knew he had already assumed a great deal of responsibility for her well-being.

As he drove up to the house, he noticed she wasn’t in front waiting for him, which he took as a bad sign. He wanted to get to the bottom of this incident that had occurred, and was truly hoping it wasn’t anything something serious enough to have to relocate her.

As he walked up to the door he was greeted by Mrs. Walker, who told him Kim had been in her room the entire day and was refusing to come out even for meals. John thanked her for telling him, and walked slowly up the stairs to see if he could get her to talk about what happened.

“Kim, it’s John, can you let me in?” John asked as he knocked quietly on the door. “I was hoping we could just chat for a minute, and we can even get out of here if you want to.”

“Come in John,” she said wearily. “I’m glad you’re here, I’ve had a rough couple of days since I saw you last. I know it’s a little weird to ask, but do you think I could have a hug from you?”

John quickly thought about his choice here, but decided that for this moment at least, his therapeutic dilemmas would just have to wait. This was a scared little girl who needed somebody she trusted to make her feel safe, and right now he was that person. He reached over and pulled her into a hug as she began to cry, softly at first and then into full-fledged sobbing. They sat like that for some time as Kim finally released so much of the pain she had been holding in for so long. Although it was incredibly painful for him to experience, he also instinctively knew that Kim had begun to heal.

After she stopped crying, Kim asked if they could go and get some ice-cream, which he happily obliged. On the way she told him that one of her younger foster brothers had tried to pull her shirt off as she was lying down, and then when she refused began yelling how it was not like she hadn’t done this before. John became very angry upon hearing this story, as the story of Kim’s privacy had clearly been betrayed, and there was a good chance it was by someone such as a foster parent who clearly should have known better. It was also tantamount to an attempted rape, and although Kim was able to fight off the younger boy, he knew from his professional experience that these things were unfortunately all too common in the foster system.

Driving home, John couldn’t shake the idea that he had to do something for Kim. He knew all the risks of getting overly involved in a case, and had many times observed the broken foster system at work, while having to turn a blind eye. This case felt different though, and he couldn’t get the idea out of his head that life was sending him a very large sign here, although he was still missing a strong feeling as to what he should actually do next. He called Stephanie and asked if she was willing to meet him for dinner that evening, as he felt that she was certainly connected to whatever it was he was supposed to figure out.

They met at a little out of the way place called Moody’s pub, which was a wonderful restaurant complete with fireplaces and quiet tables where people could sit and talk for hours. He had spent many nights here over the course of his time in Chicago, and even as an undergrad he would sit and discuss philosophy with his friends over pitchers of Sangria into the wee hours of the morning. The place had special memories for him.

As they found a place in the back next to the fireplace, John told Stephanie about everything that had happened, and she explained that she had also sensed something was wrong with Kim the last couple of days at school.  Although Stephanie was her art teacher and only saw her at certain points during the week, she also described feeling unusually attached to her and thinking often of what she could do to help save her.

“Let me ask you a question Stephanie,” John started in. “Were you ever a fan of The Twilight Zone? I have to confess I was practically an addict growing up, and even liked the new ones that they did later on. All day this particular episode has been stuck in my head. It was from the new series and it was called Little Boy Lost. It was about this woman who keeps running into this little boy that she really hits it off with. She is at a major crossroads in her life, and we later find out that this little boy represented the child she would have had if she hadn’t decided to uproot her life and leave everyone, including her fiancé, behind. I haven’t been able to get this episode out of my head today, and I think, sitting here with you, I finally figured out why. I think Kim is my little girl lost, and if I don’t save her now, than she is doomed. It’s not a hunch or a guess but an extremely powerful feeling with an absolute certainty to it.”

“I haven’t told you why I became a teacher John,” she said as she reached over and grabbed his hand. “I’m guessing you’ve read The Catcher in the Rye. I read it when I was Kim’s age for the first time, and in a strange way it saved my life. You see just like Kim, someone I trusted betrayed me sexually when I was too young to know any better. I was so angry for so long until I found that book, and suddenly I felt like I had found something that described how I felt about the world. I kept that book with me for years, and as I got older, I discovered something about it I hadn’t thought about before. You know how Holden says the only thing he ever wants to be is the Catcher in the Rye? How he wants to save kids before they go over the edge? That’s why I got into teaching. I wanted to catch the kids if I could before it’s too late for them. That’s why I’ve always worked in low-income schools. When I met Kim I had that feeling too, and couldn’t help but think there must be some reason the three of us were thrown together like this. I do know how I feel, and I know it may sound crazy, but I feel like we were all meant to be together. Does that scare you?” she asked quietly.

John was taken aback by her speech, but also felt like she has just said out loud something that had been crystallizing in his head the entire day. Although everything in his life seem to be happening quite fast right now, he also felt like he had been preparing for this for a lifetime. He got up and sat next to Stephanie and embraced her with all the love he had to give.

“Thank you so much for telling me all of that, and I’m so sorry that you were hurt when you were a little girl,” John said sadly. “From what I can gather you have channeled all of the horrible things that have happened to you into a wonderful kind of love and empathy and compassion, and I’m quite sure a whole lot of children have been deeply affected by having such an amazing teacher in their lives. As far as you and I go, none of this feels crazy to me. It feels like I’ve known you my whole life, and I love you. I do,”

“I love you too,” she said with conviction. “And I will make you a promise right now. I will help you take care of Kim in any way I can, forever. I don’t know exactly how we will go about this right this second, but I promise you I will always be there.”

John made a call the next morning to a friend of his in the foster care system and inquired about the exact process of being a foster parent. Although he was a respected therapist in the city, he was still a single man living alone, and the idea of him being a foster child to a teenaged girl would still be highly irregular.

Thinking about this further, John realized there was another alternative to becoming a foster parent. Adoption in these kinds of cases was often times a preferable albeit much more difficult option, and was contingent on having parents relinquish their parental rights to a child, which was often a very difficult proposition.

As John was on the way to his office, he got a call from Dr. Paul, who asked him if he could come in that evening after John was through with his appointments. The call came as a surprise to John, but he was relieved that Dr. Paul was at least healthy enough to see him, as John had feared the worst following his dream a few nights before. Still, it seemed like a strange request, and it lingered in his mind during all of his sessions that day despite all of his efforts to put it out of his head.

Arriving at the office, John walked in to see Mildred in tears, and knew immediately something was very wrong. She came up to John and hugged him, and John could feel the sadness as she quietly told him through her tears to please sit down. Whatever was going on here, apparently they were back to formalities. John took his familiar place on the couch and waited to see what was going on.

“Come in please,” Dr. Paul said formally as he finally came out from behind the door. As John followed him in, he noticed that most of his books were packed up and the paintings had been taken down off the wall. There was an air of finality that weighed heavily in the room.

“Well, as long as you are retiring,” John said with a laugh. “I’ve always had my eye on that lucky corduroy jacket you used to wear with the patches, you think it would fit me?”

“Not a chance fat-ass,” Dr. Paul said playfully back to John as he rustled around in the drawer for his Glenlivet. “You’ve taken enough from me asshole, I can however offer you a glass of scotch.”

“Well now you’re speaking my language,” John said back. “But Jesus let me have a minute to take this all in. I’ve been getting my ass kicked in here since I was a kid.”

“You’re still a kid goddamit,” Dr. Paul sneered back. “You don’t get to play that wise old owl shit with me. Just sit down and relax for a minute, would you. At the risk of stating the obvious, this will be the last time we meet here. My cancer is spreading a little quicker then they had originally thought, and although I always thought I would die right here in this chair, it’s time to call it quits.”

“I know you’re not one for sentimentality,” John explained. ‘But maybe you can help me out here. What are you feeling right now? I’ve got 30 more years of this in front of me and hope to God it’s going to be worth it. Your tenure here has sure as shit been worth it for me.”

“You know John, usually I’d make a smart ass remark, but I think I’m just gonna take that for what it’s worth. You’re welcome,” Dr. Paul said as he took a sip from his scotch. “I tell you this profession still baffles me as much today as it did on the day that I started. To satisfy some of your curiosity let me tell you a story about a letter I received recently. This story goes back to the beginning when I was a young clinician working at a private practice downtown. I had this kid in therapy who was a little younger than I was at the time. He was the meanest son of a bitch I’ve ever known. I mean just an awful mess. Hated women with a passion. Couldn’t hold down a job. Had no interest in therapy whatsoever, and was only there because his parents paid his rent if he went. I saw that guy for a year, and didn’t feel like he heard a word I said. 25 years later I get a 4 page letter from him. The letter explained he went on like he was going for 5 more years before deciding he wanted to make some changes in his life. He credited me with helping him make these changes, and was writing to tell me he ran a non-profit now and was married with two healthy kids. In a million years I would have never predicted this outcome for him, but yet here was this letter,” Dr. Paul said as he held the letter up in the air. “Give people what you have to give and then hope they’re willing to do the work. Probably more than any other case I’ve ever had, this one helped me understand that we never no when the seeds we plant are going to grow. Like with you for instance,” he said with a laugh.

“Well I have to say something seems to have gotten through lately, and since you’re the only therapist I’ve ever really listened to, I guess you can put me on your list as well. Don’t expect some big-ass letter though; you’ll have to take my word for it. I’ve recently discovered that all of the happiness that has happened in my life lately has been lying dormant somewhere in my heart and mind for years. I guess I just wasn’t ready for it though. Didn’t think I deserved it. You’ve had a tremendous amount of patience with me and I know I haven’t been the easiest person to work with. I guess what I’m saying is thank you. Thank you for helping save me from myself,” John replied as he chocked back tears.

They spent the rest of the night drinking scotch and talking about all of the things they had been talking about for the last 10 tears. John had so many questions for Paul, but for tonight was content to let him take the conversation wherever he wanted it to go. As the Scotch began to disappear and the night came to an end, John was hit with an extreme pang of sadness that he wondered if he would ever really shake. Although he planned to visit Dr. Paul as long as he would let him, his intuition was telling him this might be the last time they would ever get to do this.

With things starting to blossom with Stephanie, Kim in crisis, and Dr. Paul’s health declining rapidly, John was surprised to find himself on an airplane heading west the next afternoon. As someone with a lifelong history of avoiding difficult situations, he knew he had a tendency to run when things got difficult, but this felt like something different. He woke up that morning with an overwhelming need to return to his grandparent’s farm, and had followed his instincts and made hasty arrangements to fly a few hours later.

He had called his rather surprised mother, and she had made arrangements to pick him up at the airport when he landed. He had a hard time explaining to her exactly why he needed to come home right now, and she was quite surprised by his request to visit the family farm. As he hung up, he thought about a quote from Robert Frost that seemed especially appropriate. “Home is a place where, when you go there, they have to take you in.”

He arrived at the small Spokane airport on the Eastern side of Washington State and found his mom waiting for him when he arrived. Once upon a time John had briefly attended school in this city, and he asked if they could stop at one of his favorite old watering hole called The Onion so they could talk a little more about what it was he was doing here.

“Ok John, nothing you’ve ever done has ever surprised me, but maybe you can tell me what you’re doing here. Not that I’m not glad to see you. I am. It just all sounded a little mysterious,” his mother explained.

“Well mom, I’m on the verge of some very important changes in my life,” John responded. “And to give you the short answer, I felt this powerful urge to reconnect with parts of where I came from before I went ahead with some of these changes. I’ve had this recurring dream for years about the farm, but I’ve never really been sure what it means. I thought by going there I could maybe get some sense of what this dream might mean.”

“Well John I hope you find what you’re looking for,” his mother said sincerely as she patted his hand. “I’ve always been amazed by you. You’re so philosophical sometimes but also so silly and irresponsible and creative. Such a strange mix of qualities. I always suspected you got into Psychology to figure out how all of this happened. I’m not going to apologize for my role in it because I think you’ve turned out kind of wonderfully, for all your strangeness. One thing that is clear to me is that there is some new woman in your life somewhere in the middle of all this. A mother knows.”

“Man you’ve got me pegged,” John said as he laughed. “A woman who is absolutely the epitome of everything I’ve ever looked for in a woman. Funny and smart, and incredibly thoughtful, but more than that we connect on this emotional level. She’s incredibly confident yet extremely vulnerable at the same time. Jesus I must sound like I’m gushing. All I know is that it feels totally unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.”

“Well I’m happy for you John,” she replied with a sad smile. “I know you’ve been around enough to know that the first part of love, the butterflies part, doesn’t really last. I know that from watching your father and I you also know that you need to find a partner who is more than someone to have fun with. It sounds like you think you have, and I sincerely wish you well. It’s something I’ve always wanted for you and I’ve always regretted that I was never able to show you how to go about it. I’m glad that you’re here, and I want to help you in whatever way I can on this road you’re on.”

“Ok mom, thank you. Sincerely. I appreciate you dropping everything to show me around for the next couple of days, and I’m also hoping we can hit a few wineries and catch up a bit as well. This isn’t just about me and my vision quest here. I’m glad to see you and want to spend some time with you. I think a part of me wanted your advice and consultation about all of this. I have a lot more to tell you actually, but in the meantime what do you say we get a drink?” John asked as he grabbed her arm and walked her towards the bar.

Later John called Stephanie and told him about his trip and tried to explain what it was he wanted to accomplish. She was concerned, but also trusted that if this was something John felt strongly about than it was something he should do. He also called Dr. Paul, but got his voicemail, which he took as a bad sign. It was surreal making these calls from his old bedroom, and he laughed to himself when he thought about all of the twists his life had taken since he was a gangly kid sharing this room with his brothers. He found some of his old journals from when he was a teenager and read them over. They were all about finding love, adventure, and all kinds of other philosophical musings about the meaning of life. He laughed about how little his thought process had really changed since he was that 18-year old kid, and continued to read his own words of wisdom until drifted off to sleep in his old bed.

John woke up early the next morning and drove down to the Colombia river to sit in the park and think, as he had done hundreds of times growing up. His old hometown of Richland had changed a lot since he last lived here, but he was pleasantly surprised to find that his old spot by the river remained virtually unchanged. He had so many memories of walking along this river, and he could actually remember on an emotional level the longing he used to feel to do something extraordinary with his life.

Had he accomplished his mission? On paper he had. He had traveled the world, moved to the big city, found his way as a writer, sold a lot of books, and even made it on TV a few times. Emotionally he still felt like he was that 18-year old boy on the verge of a big adventure though. It seemed a little clearer to him now, love was the biggest adventure a person can undertake.

It felt good to walk in the fresh air, and John made a mental note of how much better he felt now that he was taking care of his health. He found himself thinking about Erik Erickson’s stages of life, which discussed how every decade of a person’s life came with a unique set of challenges. For someone in their 30’s the challenge was intimacy versus isolation, meaning a person had to find a partner to share all of life’s ups and down with or face a growing sense of isolation. Now that he was getting to the end of this period, John realized he really wasn’t that exceptional. Just as Erickson had predicted decades before, he had spent this period of his life struggling with this issue, although it was just out of his immediate awareness. He was starting to realize that maybe he wasn’t as special as he thought. It was oddly comforting.

Later that morning he and his mom began the drive out into the farm country of Eastern Washington. Their journey was made more difficult by the fact that John hadn’t been to this farm since the age of 13, and his mother had been only a handful of times. Still they pressed on however, stopping twice to visit wineries and sample some of the state’s best wines and laugh and talk and enjoy the day together. It was nice to feel at home again.

As they got to the city of Sunnyside, they stopped and debated their next move. There were dozens of country roads in the area, and finding the right one was really kind of a crapshoot. John deferred to his mother’s wisdom and they traveled several miles down a road marked C and then another marked B. Nothing on either road looked vaguely familiar, and John was beginning to get discouraged thinking he had come all this way for nothing.

Finally on the 3^rd road they chose everything began to crystallize. He remembered the old store at the end of the road, and then some other landmarks they passed as they got closer to their destination. Finally as they rose over a crest they found what they were looking for. There in the back was the old trailer where his great-grandparents lived when he was very young. As they pulled into the long driveway he saw a bunch of kids playing in the huge backyard and he felt a sharp pang of nostalgia thinking about his own fun times in the yard. They sat there in silence for a few minutes before John decided to get out of the car and look around.

As he got out of the car, the children stopped playing and looked at him curiously. They were after all out in the country, and strange men in overcoats were not exactly the norm.

“Hey guys, sorry to interrupt your game, but my grandparents used to live here and I just kind of wanted to see if the old place was still here.”

The oldest of the boys walked towards John and eyed him with suspicion.

“Used to live here when? I’m almost 13, and I’ve lived here almost my whole life. You must be really old,” he said as all of the other kids laughed.

“I’m getting up there all right,” John replied as he joined in the laughter. “I’ll tell you though when I used to spend the summer here the days felt like they lasted forever. I never thought I would get old.  You just don’t think it’s going to happen to you. Anyway sorry to bother you guys. I know it’s a little weird showing up here out of the blue. I just wanted to take a little trip down memory lane I guess.”

Thinking that ended their exchange, John was surprised when the older boy whipped a football at him from across the lawn, and even more surprised when he made a diving catch to grab it. He turned and threw a tight spiral back at the boy, and laughed when it flew ten feet over his head.

“Damn man, maybe you’re not so old after all. Go ahead and knock on the door. My parents are inside. My mom is always talking about how we’re too far out in the country out here. Tell them how much you love it out here. Maybe they’ll sell you the place,” he said as he went to retrieve the ball.

John was curious as to what his mother thought about his diving around on the grass with his injuries, and he braced for a lecture as he waved for her to get out of the car. The farm had never been her favorite place, as it belonged to John’s father’s family, and she had never felt particularly welcome here. John reached into the glove compartment to grab one of his books to give to give to the current occupants of the house. Part of this particular book had a few passages that described the family farm, and he felt like it might be useful to give them a copy as a piece offering before he asked to begin rummaging around their house.

“Hello,” John said with a smile as a curious middle-aged couple answered the door. “Sorry to barge in on you like this. I know this might sound strange, but I spent a huge part of my childhood here and have wonderful memories of the place,” John said as he handed them a copy of his book.

Flipping the book over and seeing John’s picture on the back, the woman relented and opened the door a little wider.

“This is you? I’m a social worker and I’ve seen a few of your books over the years. Come in,” she said as she opened the door for John and his mom.

“Yea, that’s me alright. I wanted to give you this particular book because several of the passages in there describe this farm, or at least how I remember this farm. If you don’t like it you can use it as a coaster or something. Again, sorry to bug you, but for years I’ve wanted to come back here and see this place again and revisit some of the wonderful memories I had here as a kid. I know that might sound a little weird, so thank you so much for letting us in.’

“It doesn’t sound weird at all. My name is Paul by the way, and this is my wife Sara,” Paul explained as he introduced his mother Barbara and they all shook hands. “I’m kind of surprised to hear how much you love this place. My wife thinks we’re way too far from civilization, and my kids complain that they’re not close enough to all of their friends in town. Still, when I saw this place I fell in love with it. Bought it from the funniest old man I can ever recall meeting named Henry. Was that your grandfather?”

“It sure was,” John replied. “And I agree with you, he was a really funny man. He bought this place after he retired and spent years hear trying to teach himself to become a farmer. Got pretty good at it too. If it isn’t too much of an imposition, do you mind if I walk around a little? I’d love to see the old barn and the corn fields and all of it.

“Why don’t you boys go,” Sara suggested. “And perhaps I can offer your mother a cup of coffee and we can sit and talk a little here.”

But John and Paul were already out the door as she suggested this. Both men were about the same age, and immediately John could sense Paul had the same kind of love for the place that he did. They spent the afternoon walking around the fields, and John even got a tour of the old barn he had loved so much as a kid. As they got to a small hill on the back of the property they climbed to the top and took it all in. For miles there was nothing but farmland, and John was amazed at how peaceful and quiet it all felt to him, just like it had when he was a kid. You can’t go home again. John knew that, but all the same he felt pretty close as he plucked a blade of grass from the ground and slid it between his teeth.

On the way home, John’s mother Barbara filled him in about the state of the domestic union at the old family farm.  The family was originally from California, and bought the farm to get away from all of the hustle and bustle of living in the big city. Now years later Sara had gotten very bored with the whole arrangement, and was actively pleading with Paul to sell the farm and move back to the city. Paul on the other hand fancied himself like the Kevin Costner character in the movie Field of Dreams, and wanted to live out his life here in the country.

John laughed at his mother’s ability to glean all of this information from one short conversation. She herself had lived briefly in a farm town with John and his siblings, and as a young mother she had experienced a lot of the same frustrations regarding small town life.

Driving home, they stopped off at the Snipes Mountain brewery in the town of Sunnyside and had lunch as well as a couple of ice cold local beers. John had a lot to think about today, and felt strangely comforted sharing such a thoughtful day with his mom, who had been a wonderful sport about satisfying his strange curiosity.

“Let me ask you something mom?” John said interrupting their silence. “At what point as a young married woman did you know that dad was never going to change? If it is hard to talk about then you can tell me to shut up, but it really would be helpful for me to know.”

“Well John, I’ll answer that with a question, which is something I know you shrinks love to pull on people. Why are you asking me this question now? What purpose does it serve? It sounds to me like you are on some level trying to talk yourself out of something wonderful you’ve found, and I’m not going to let you do that without calling you on your own rationalizations.”

“Jesus I hate it when I can’t bullshit people,” John said as he smiled. “I think you’re probably right. I guess I’ve always wondered about my own capacity to change. My dad was an asshole, we both know that, and never seemed to even think about wanting to change as far as I can tell. Am I wrong about that? Is there something I don’t know?”

“There was probably a lot you didn’t know about your dad John, after all you barely knew him. He had a very reflective side to him, but it was something that I rarely saw, and never saw when there were other people around. He always had to be the life of the party. Never wanted to be anything else. That’s why it’s been hard for me to see you go down the same road sometimes. You have a lot of his spirit, but you also have a lot more. I guess the best advice I can give you is no not settle for the idea that some flaw you have is just the way you are. Fix it. Stare it in the face and do something about it, or get stuck where you are standing for the rest of your life. I speak from experience on this John. You really seem so close.”

John thought about her words the entire ride back to the house, and also felt a little sad he had missed out on her advice for so many years as he carved out a life for himself in Chicago. He had avoided home for most of his adult life, and except for the very occasional Christmas hadn’t been out this way with any kind of consistency for years. He thought about the affect this may have had on his mother and vowed to be a better son. Of all of the lessons he had absorbed lately, perhaps the most powerful was that his tendency to withdraw from other people had real consequences for the people that wanted to be close to him. He made a vow to remember that when it came to his mother.

Arriving at their old home, John and his mom cracked open one of their newly purchased bottles of wine and sat and talked. Being around her and retracing some of his old steps had been not only very comforting, but also tremendously insightful, and John could feel his sense of resolve crystallizing regarding all of the people that he loved back in Chicago.

Later that night they went to dinner at a seafood place called Anthony’s right along the Colombia river. It was such a nice break from the noise of Chicago, and they sat there for several hours drinking wine and reminiscing about old times. At one point in the meal a couple approached them and asked John if he was the writer John Duffy, and he replied that indeed he was. He was shocked to find that they were fans of his work and new intimate details of a number of things about his life growing up here in Richland. They chatted pleasantly for a few minutes and were off, and John laughed out loud at his newfound celebrity status here in his old hometown.

“What was that about?” He asked. “How in the world do they know who I am all the way out here.”

“Well John, this is a small place, and although you might not know this, I’ve always made sure all of the bookstores carried your books, and I’ve taken every chance I had to tell people about my son the famous writer. In case you didn’t know it your mother is very proud of you. Maybe I haven’t said that enough to over your life, but I’m saying it now.”

John looked over at his mother and smiled. Although he had always guessed she was proud of him, they spoke so seldomly that he was never totally sure. It was nice to hear.

Later that night, John watched an old episode of The Twilight Zone called Walking Distance. It was about a man in his 30’s who wandered back into his old hometown to find that he had gone back in time to his childhood, where he observed a younger version of himself. The point of the story was that although we can’t literally go home again, we can find ways to revisit the things we found peaceful and comforting about home in our adult lives. John felt like he was beginning to find this peace.

Later that evening John got a call from a local radio show host named Jeff Phillips who hosted a show called Talk of the Tri-Cities. He wanted John to come on the show to talk about a book he had written about the early deaths of prominent comedians including John Belushi and Chris Farley, and John was flattered as well as intrigued just to be asked. He spent the rest of the evening preparing some of his thoughts for the interview, and went to bed that night thinking of what a pleasant and revealing trip this had turned out to be,

Later that morning he arrived at the studio and met the host, who was a gregarious man in his 40’s who shared John’s love of comedy. They immediately hit it off, and they talked for the next half hour on the air about comedy and laughter and how it all related to John’s work as a therapist. The conversation was interrupted however when someone called in midway through the interview to ask John a question about his father.

“Yea hey John, this is Tom from Richland,” the caller explained. “Was your father Patrick by any chance?”

“He sure was,” was John’s reply.

“Well listen, I want to tell you something. You guys are sitting here talking about comedians that have died young, and I guess what I wanted to say was that a person doesn’t have to be famous to fit this pattern. I knew your dad pretty well John, and he was the same kind of guy, laughing and drinking his way to an early grave. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, I’m just saying that all of this happens to every day people as well.”

“You’re right about that Tom,” was John’s response. “Thank you for reminding me.”

As the interview concluded John thanked Mr. Phillips and began the drive back to his old house. He thought about that call regarding his father and the implications of what the caller had said regarding his own life. Self destruction most certainly happened in everyday lives, and the caller had reminded John that some of this self destruction was a part of his personal template.

He called his mom and asked her if she could meet for a drink, and she was more than happy to oblige. They met at a little place called the The Towne Crier, where once upon a time as a young man John had worked as a bartender. He had his first legal drink as an adult here, and as part of his reunion tour he felt it was only fitting he revisit this place where his drinking career had began.

His mom was already waiting for him when he arrived, and she had a few choice words for him about mentioning her during the interview, which he had specifically promised her he wouldn’t do. They had a couple of beers and talked over the interview, and she and John discussed how strange it was to hear a stranger bring up her deceased ex-husband on a radio show so many years after the fact.

As the evening wore on, his mother suggested that they leave, but John had other ideas. A couple of his old friends had recognized him, and had sent a round of drinks to the table as a way of saying hello. Having distanced himself from his hometown for most of his life, he was pleasantly surprised to find that people still remembered him. John tried to remind himself that hanging around the bar all night could lead to some unwanted consequences, but he was too caught up in the moment to fully consider that at this juncture in the evening.

Bidding adieu to his irritated mother, John made his way over to the bar to say hello. Talking to his old friends, he realized that people did in fact know he was a writer now, and he spent some time catching up with people and regaling them with tales about his life in Chicago. Soon he was shooting pool and buying rounds for the small crowd that had joined he and his friends, and as the hours passed, he felt like a 21-year old kid again.

As the evening progressed, word got around that John was a well known writer, and he had attracted the interest of an attractive girl at the bar who was at least 10 years younger than he was. Somewhere around the 5^th shot of the night she began touching and kissing John, and he found himself enjoying the benefits of his newfound popularity. John would have perhaps made a very bad decision had he not gotten a call from Stephanie at 2 O’clock that morning informing him that Dr. Paul had passed away earlier in the night.

The news of Dr. Paul’s death sobered John up in a hurry, and within minutes of hearing it he had arranged for a cab to take him home. He berated himself the entire way back for not being there, and waited till he got home to make some phone calls to find out what exactly had happened. He spent a very long night packing up his things and trying to make arrangements to change his plane reservations.

The next morning was bittersweet for John, as he was sad to be leaving his mother so abruptly after such a positive visit. He was happy they had reconnected over the past couple of days, and as he left he assured her how much their time together had meant to him. It had been a healing experience for him.

On the plane home John was numb, and he was still having a hard time processing that the man who had been the closest thing to a father he had really had was gone. It was particularly hard to make sense of considering how much he reconnected with his mother after so many years. One door opens and another door closes. John knew this to be true.

After speaking with a very distraught Mildred earlier that morning, John had discovered that the funeral services for Dr. Paul would be held the next morning at St. Patrick’s Catholic church in downtown Chicago. Paul had one sister in New York, and hundreds of colleagues and friends, but in reality John was closer to him than anyone else in his life. He knew sometime before tomorrow morning her would have to prepare a eulogy.

He replayed the circumstances in which he heard about Paul’s death in his head over and over again. In a bar, drunk, and perhaps about to make a mistake with a woman he barely knew. He couldn’t help but think how disappointed Paul would have been if he knew this, and he wondered if all of there work together had been for nothing. He knew this was self-destructive thinking, and reminded himself that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong other than have a few too many drinks in a bar. He tried to let himself off the hook, but it was difficult.

He wondered how he had gotten here. In retrospect hearing his father mentioned on the radio show the previous day had likely triggered something in John that made him repeat some of his father’s self-destructive patterns. Despite being a therapist, and being all too familiar with triggers and his own patterns of behavior, John had stumbled. He thought about how he would broach the subject with Stephanie.

Arriving home she was waiting for him at the airport, and hugging her and feeling her in his arms was an amazingly comforting feeling that instantly reminded him of everything he had been working so hard for. These were the moments where it truly was wonderful to have someone to love.

They drove to Stephanie’s house, and on the way, John did his best to explain where he was when she had finally gotten a hold of him last night. Seeing the wounded look on her face when he told her about his evening was devastating for him, and he reminded himself once again that all of his actions had consequences.

Later that afternoon he fixed her lunch, and did his best to assure her that her presence in his life was the best thing he had in this world. She agreed that it was something they could talk about later, and reminded him that he had to write a speech for Dr. Paul which she assumed would be a significant task for him emotionally. All the same he wanted to touch her and feel close to her, as she was the only thing in his life that made sense to him right now. Freud had remarked that the most important event in a man’s life was the death of his father, but for John, Dr. Paul did so much more for him than his own father, that he knew the effects of this would stay with him for a long time, perhaps forever. Right now he needed her comfort.

They spent the afternoon lying down together in her bed, and John was once again so thankful to be with such an understanding and compassionate soul such as Stephanie. Later they made love, and it was especially passionate and intimate considering the emotional circumstances of what John was growing through. He was reminded of Hemmingway’s description of sex as a way of beating back death. That’s what it felt like to him.

That evening he poured himself a large glass of Glenlivet and stared for quite some time at a blank screen. He had so much he wanted to say, but couldn’t quite break through the emotional ice he had built up to deal with the penetrating sadness he knew was going to come. He was well aware of the different stages of grief, and knew that part of what he was experiencing right now was denial. He spent a very long night wrestling with his own emotions, and when he finally did start to write after two glasses of scotch and several hours, the words poured out of him so freely that he was amazed when he looked up and saw it was now 5′Oclock in the morning. It was going to be a long day.

Chapter 37

Arriving at the church, John saw that hundreds of people were already there, and he was comforted by the fact that Paul had touched so many lives. He knew among this crowd were dozens of former patients, students, colleagues and other people who had been touched in some way by knowing Paul, and he for a moment took stock of what a powerful impact his life had had on the world.

When it came time for him to speak, John opened with a few jokes to lighten the mood. It was what he knew, and anyone that had actually known Dr. Paul had almost certainly shared a laugh with him. It was the kind of man he was. John continued;

“In all seriousness, there are hundreds of people here today because this wonderful man in some way touched our lives. Looking out over this crowd we get a small measure of this man’s life. A very small measure, because each person that interacted with Dr. Paul as a friend a patient or a colleague walked away from this interaction with their lives changed in some profound way. The true measure of his influence is I suspect not demonstrated by those of us who sit here, but by the lives we have in some way changed because of our interactions with Dr. Paul.

I first walked into Paul’s office as a young, arrogant, know-it all with a lot of opinions about how psychotherapy should be conducted. Boy did I learn to shut up in a hurry. Part of Paul’s affection was of the tough love variety, and he was more adept at cutting through false bravado than ay therapist I have ever known. One of the greatest gifts I learned from him was humility. Not learned exactly, but absorbed. Many of Paul’s gifts were given simply by being in his presence and observing how he conducted himself. Confident yet humble, stern but self-deprecating, and brutally honest and fiercely compassionate. These were some of the shades of Dr. Paul that I knew, and if I through the process of osmosis retained even a small amount of what he had to give, I am eternally thankful.

Paul and I spoke often at the end of his life, and one theme that came up again and again was love. Although therapeutic paradigms came and went through his career, he never deviated from the idea that therapy was about love, and he truly loved what he did more than anyone I have ever known. Beyond career choice though, Paul believed that finding loved in life, including love for our patients, love for our jobs, love for our partners, and perhaps most importantly love for ourselves, was paramount to finding meaning in this fleeting and imperfect life. To share something very personal with you, I ignored Dr. Paul’s advice on this subject for nearly a decade, but finally, after years of kicking and screaming, I understood what he was trying to say to me and took this leap of faith. It takes an incredibly patient man to wait ten years for a seed we plant to grow, but that’s the kind of man Paul was. I hope I can honor his patience and faith in me accordingly as I move forward with my own imperfect life.

I’d like to close with a quote from Colleen McCullough that some may find an unusual choice for a eulogy, but I think it speaks to many of the struggles Dr. Paul encountered as he made his way through this life, John continued. “There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain …Or so says the legend.

To me this describes the Paul I knew so well, and to the struggles he underwent as he gave every ounce of his empathy and love to others day after day and year after year. He gave so much to others it quite literally pained him at times, and the degree of his empathy was such, that for him the work he chose never really ended. He was simply born with an extraordinary gift of empathy that made him feel things very deeply. Not just good things, but love and hate and sorrow and grief and despair and the whole spectrum of human emotions on a daily basis. As the quote I read so eloquently expressed, the best is only bought at the cost of great pain. Dr. Paul’s pain was also his greatest gift, and we were blessed to have benefited so greatly from his daily struggle with that pain.

Personally I have thought a lot about how I can take everything Paul gave to me and pay it forward. How best to honor a man who influenced me so much and helped make me the man I am trying to become today. Albert Einstein said, our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. So I know that in my work, and in my life, and in the way I love, Paul’s voice will always be one I will hear. That’s the way it’s always been since I was that cocky kid that first walked into his office actually. The only thing different is his physical body has declined. His lessons, his spirit, kindness, courage and love haven’t gone anywhere, and perhaps they’ve even gotten stronger. Thank you for coming out to celebrate the life of this extraordinary friend, mentor, father, and teacher.

The after party following the funeral was both exhausting and gratifying for John, as he was emotionally and physical spent, but also enlivened to hear so many stories about how Paul had affected people’s lives. A few of Dr. Paul’s patients had asked him about starting therapy with him now that Paul had passed, and John realized that there were a number of logistical issues regarding his practice that John could perhaps be of assistance with. Losing your therapist to death was an incredibly traumatic loss for people in therapy, and he agreed to see everyone who had asked despite his reservations about how all of this might actually work. He was sure this was something Paul would have wanted.

Later that night, and despite have had less than 6 hours of sleep the following two nights, John went to a little jazz bar called Andy’s in downtown Chicago which had always been a favorite of Dr. Paul’s. His instincts were telling him to lean on Stephanie during this difficult time, but right now he just wanted to be in a place that let him feel close to his old mentor by himself. He knew his emotional state was fragile.

He had a number of glasses of Scotch as he sat and listened to the saxophone and tried not to think about all that he had to deal with. Paul was the man he had always turned to during the emotional storms of his life, and, despite what he said during the eulogy, he felt a huge whole in his life he knew would take a lot of time to work though.

John stayed at Andy’s until the place closed that night, drinking Scotch and silently toasting to himself all of the ways his old mentor had touched his life. The jazz has helped him lose time and get utterly lost in his memories, and he began to get an understanding of why Paul had enjoyed this place so much throughout his many years of working as a therapist in downtown Chicago.

Realizing he was quite drunk, and not wanting to go home and be alone there, John staggered over to the nearby House of Blues hotel and rented himself a room for the evening. Somehow being home was something he didn’t want to face that night, and he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up feeling something different than he was feeling. He was in pain, and he had dealt with it in an old familiar way by drinking way too much. He was in danger of backsliding, but for tonight at least just wanted to crash and forget about all of it.

John woke up the next morning to a ringing cell phone. He was still in his suit, and laughed to himself about his meeting with Dr. Paul a while back when they had joked about him waking up in his same clothes. John quickly sobered up however when he realized it was Paul’s sister on the phone, and he grew perplexed when she asked him to meet her downtown later that same afternoon.

John took a cab ride home and found himself wondering what it was Paul’s sister needed to talk about. He had met her only once over the years, and knew she was married to a wealthy man in New York where she lived with her family in downtown Manhattan. He knew there were some legal issues with Paul’s practice he could perhaps be of assistance with, although these kinds of things were hardly his area of expertise.

John felt a wave of depression as he walked into his house and saw the big suitcase sitting there in the middle of his living room. He had never really gotten unpacked since he had been back in Chicago, and he called Stephanie and asked if he could stay at her house again that night. John was relieved to find that she was happy to hear from him, and he reminded himself to stay vigilant and resist the urge to push her away from her now, despite the fact that he had a nearly lifelong tendency to do this.

They spent the day together talking about all of the recent developments in his life. Stephanie had reported that Kim had gotten a little restless and uncomfortable from not having spoken to him in a while, and it was something that had also been weighing heavily on his mind. His trip home, as well his night in the bar the night before were the beginning of a pattern of distancing that he was well aware of, and he remembered that this was a luxury he didn’t have when he had gotten so highly involved in a child’s life. He was committed now.

Later that afternoon, he found himself sitting in the office of a high-priced law firm in the city. It was unfamiliar ground for him, and as someone who had a nearly lifelong distaste for lawyers, he felt uncomfortable thinking about what it was he was doing here.

Seeing Paul’s sister Linda, John gave her a hug and thanked her for letting him be such a big part of her brother’s funeral. She assured john that his eulogy was beautiful, and that Paul had spoken of him often in the days before his death, which again filled John with a sense of guilt for not having been there. After they had comforted each other and exchanged pleasantries, John decided it was time to politely find out what he was doing here.

“Well John as you know, Paul didn’t have any children, and I was the only family he really had. What you may or may not have known was that Paul accumulated a great deal of money over the years, and he left much of it to various charities here in Chicago. The rest of it he left to you. His house, his practice, and a large part of his remaining assets. We had talked about this and I was fine with it. You were truly like a son to him and I can think of no better person to carry on my brother’s legacy,” she said with resolve.

John sat and took the news in with a sense of shock. He had never really known much about Dr. Paul’s finances, but guessed that 30 years of practicing so regularly must have been good to him. Having been fairly irresponsible with money for the majority of his life, John was having trouble processing that someone had just left him such a considerable amount of it. Linda had also given him a letter to read from her brother, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to read it just yet. After signing a great deal of paperwork with the lawyers and saying his goodbyes to Linda, John hailed a cab and started home. While he was stunned at this recent development in his life, a plan was also beginning to crystallize in his mind.

John’s first stop of the day was not a pleasant one, and as he made his way into the parking lot at the Cook County jail, he was hit with a feeling in the pit of his stomach that was extremely unsettling. He knew that momentarily he was about to confront a kind of evil, and that when he did he was going to have to stay calm and resist the urge to get angry and perhaps even violent. He was reminded of Peck’s book The People of the Lie, which talked about how one of the most fundamental tenets of people who are evil, is that they have no conceptualization of themselves this way. John suspected this was what was happening with prisoner #16509.

After going through security, John was led to a little room where he saw Tom, Kim’s father, dressed in the familiar Orange jumpsuit already sitting down waiting for him. This was the man who had forever stolen a little girl’s innocence, a little girl who meant the world to him and that he would do anything to protect. John thought that he could kill him if he had the chance, although that ran contrary to everything he knew as a psychologist. He took a deep breath and composed himself. He wanted to accomplish something here, and he reminded himself to stay calm no matter what happened.

“Hello doctor,” Tom said as he stood up and smiled. “I’d shake your hand but these kind of make that a little difficult,” he said as he rattled his handcuffs together.

“Hello Tom, don’t worry about the handshake,” John said as forced a smile. “I was never big on them anyway. Let’s sit down.”

“Whatever you say doc, I’ve got a lot of time to talk these days. Even been talking to a shrink since I’ve been in here,” Tom explained.

“Well good, I’m glad of that,” John said, “but if you don’t mind I’d like to talk about Kim and her future. I always respected your ability to talk straight, so I wanted to come in here and talk to you man to man. You see Kim is having some problems in foster care and I have to tell you I’m pretty worried about her. Although this isn’t something that psychologists do, I should tell you I’ve explored the possibility of becoming a foster parent and even looked into the process of adoption. I’ve grown very close to Kim and care about her very much.

Tom broke into a smile and looked John up and down as he digested what he had just heard.

“Getting a little lonely at home doc?”

John took a deep breath and again felt his stomach rumble like someone had just punched him, and he resisted the urge to strangle this man, although every part of him wanted to. He knew getting into a pissing contest right now would be the worst possible thing he could do for Kim, and he struggled to regain his composure.

“The thing is Tom I have been lonely in my life, but a lot of things have happened to me over the course of this last year, and I’ve though a lot about what it is I want to do with the time I have left. One of the things that has happened is I’ve gotten to know your daughter, and I’ve seen how scared she is and how much she needs to be part of a family. I don’t have a family Tom, and my life is halfway over. One of the things I’ve learned from your daughter is how much people need each other in this world, and what can happen when we don’t have anyone to turn to when things get hard. I’ve also met a wonderful woman, one of Kim’s teachers actually, who also cares about Kim very much. She is also completely committed to helping Kim however she can, and will also be a big part of this if you agree to it.

“Well that’s great doc. Good for you,” Tom replied. “But saying I do go along with all of this, what’s in it for me? I have to pay my goddamned lawyer almost 10,000 dollars to help get me out of this mess, and money doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe if you do something for me I could do something for you, no what I’m saying doc?”

“Well Tom, I’ll tell you, that makes me feel a little dirty, but if that’s what it would take to make this happen, than it would be something I would seriously consider. One thing though, if this is something we can agree on then it would have to be final. I pledge to you that I will take care of your daughter and keep her safe from the bad things in this world with every ounce of my power. I don’t know you that well Tom, and I don’t know everything you might have been through in your life, but what I do know is that this is what is best for Kim right now. If I pay you this money and we sign those papers, Kim is no longer going to be a part of your life. Is this something I can have your word on?”

“You’re right doc, you don’t know my life,” Tom responded. “You don’t know for instance that my daddy used to beat me with a belt so hard that I couldn’t go to school for a week sometimes. You don’t know that I’ve never lived a day in my life without worrying where my next dollar was coming from and what I was going to do for money. You don’t know that my wife used to go months without having sex with me and that I was so goddamn frustrated that I had to start fucking my own daughter.”

The people of the lie will see themselves as victims, even in situations where they are clearly the aggressors. John knew this pattern, and could see from the look on Tom’s face that he clearly saw himself as a kind of victim. He also had a sense that he was indeed serious about forgoing his rights to Kim, and that there was at least some part of him that understood that this was the right decision for Kim. Sitting down, John pulled his chair up next to Tom’s and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Tom, I know you’ve had a lot of pain in your life, I can see that. I’m glad you are talking to a doctor about all of this stuff, I truly am. I am asking you, again, however, to do what’s best for your daughter here. In this time, in this place, I’m asking you to trust me that this is the right thing. I’ll pay the money you ask to help you out, that I can do for you. What I need from you though is your word that you will no longer be a part of Kim’s life. I want you to think about it and I also want to talk to Kim about this, but as far as I’m concerned I’m ready to move forward with this,” John said with finality.

The whole drive home John felt uncomfortable by the shakedown that just took place, but also pragmatic about solving the problem he was confronted with. If ten-thousand dollars could buy Kim’s freedom from her father, then it was a small price to pay. He made an appointment with a lawyer to discuss the specifics of any possible arrangements, and thought about how he was going to broach the subject with Kim.

Arriving at home, he noticed the unopened letter from Dr. Paul lying on the table, and decided he needed to read it, which was something he had been avoiding. Somehow it represented a kind of finality for John, and it pained him to think about how large of a loss the letter really represented. Ripping it open, he took it out and began to read;

Dear  John,

I can honestly say I’ve never started a letter with “Dear John” before. Ironically it kind of fits this situation however, because if you are reading this it means I’m dead. Sorry to sound so morbid, but really, get the fuck over it. If I have taught you anything, you know that you aren’t going to be able to get my voice out of your head that easily. I’m going to haunt you for a while.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I chose to leave you most of my worldly possessions. I would be too if I were you. The fact is John I have been working and living alone for quite some time now and over the last decade or so had been focusing on little else but work.

So imagine my surprise when my prize student walked back into my life after so many years. Working with you and seeing the changes you are making in your life was a reminder to me why I chose to do what I did for so many years, and was a validation of everything I had secretly hoped I had accomplished in my career.

So pay it forward John. I know you enjoy being a writer and being on TV and all of your other media related activities, but none of that speaks to the day-to day battle that goes on in the therapeutic office. I hope you’ve absorbed this lesson because you are the utter embodiment of the truth behind this idea. For ten years I watched you try to change, and was more frustrated than you know watching you take two step backwards every time you took one forward. It was like watching a slideshow of my own past life, and at times it felt like every inch of insight was contested. This frustration gave way to pride however, as I was really getting a sense that you were finally starting to make the kind of internal changes that can lead to happiness.

As time passes, remember that you will sometimes feel the need to run. This is an inclination wired deep into your character, and will likely be with you for a while. Resist this urge. Remember that a change of scenery solves nothing when you are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for the life you have created for yourself and the people who have chosen to love you, because really, this is all there is. We choose a select few to really share this adventure with, and when you find these people in your life, hold on to them for dear life. They will be your greatest historians, biggest fans, and most comforting sources of support when things go wrong, which they inevitably will. You have bee one of these people in my life John, and I hope that you have begun to appreciate how much people value having you in there lives. I know I certainly did.

Remember your love John, and especially remember to let people love you back. Take it from me that this may perhaps be the most difficult part. You will do great things if you remember this one piece of advice. Make me proud,

Paul.

John began to cry as he finished reading the letter, and knew that he would read it many more times in his life as he thought about all the ways Dr. Paul had influenced his life. Remember your love. It was a mantra he would try and remember during his remaining time, and it seemed particularly important now as he planned a number of major changes in his external world. He knew that the external changes were easy. The hard part came from living with your decisions after the novelty began to fade.

He spent the next couple of hours thinking about this idea, and how it might be relevant down the road when the romantic rush of he and Stephanie’s courtship began to wane, Kim became a difficult teenager, and he himself confronted the inevitability of getting older. Would he be able to handle the changing seasons without desiring a different kind of life? He hoped so, and knew that ultimately this was what Paul meant by taking responsibility. He reminded himself to read Dr. Paul’s letter again whenever he experienced these kinds of feelings.

Later that evening he went over to Stephanie’s house and had dinner. It was so nice being with her in these quiet moments, and John was beginning to realize what Dr. Paul meant when her talked about being with the people you love as a kind of comfort. He had felt passion, romance, adventure, and all kinds of other things with the women he had been with in other incantations in his life, but this feeling of comfort was very new to him, and also the thing he loved about being with Stephanie the most. They stayed up most of the night talking about Dr. Paul, Kim, and all of the things that had happened in their lives recently that seemed to be happening so fast. As John watched her sleep he was again reminded of the Buddhist proverb, “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” All of these years he thought he was the teacher.

But now he realized he was really the student.

After reading Dr. Paul’s letter John was excited to get back to work, and he approached his first day back with a great deal of enthusiasm. Between going home, Dr. Paul’s death, and his sudden newfound wealth, there had been some significant changes in his life, and he wanted to get back to a sense of normalcy in his life as much as possible.

Kim was coming in for an office visit today, and he had something important that he wanted to talk to her about. He remembered the feeling he had the last time he saw her, and all morning he was experiencing it again. If he didn’t intervene in her life she was headed for a long fall. This feeling wasn’t about his arrogance as a therapist, but instead a kind of message from somewhere that he knew he had to act on. Although he wasn’t a religious man, John trusted this feeling more than anything else in the universe.

Still, he had a difficult task. Despite any wishes he had personally about what he would like to have happen, Kim was trapped in a very awkward legal limbo that would be extremely difficult to untangle.

“Hey, Kim,” John said as she arrived. She walked over to him and hugged him as he spoke, and he again felt how badly this little girl needed to attach to someone.

“Hey, nice to see you honey. Sorry I’ve been away for a while.”

“I missed you John,” Kim replied.  “Things haven’t been that great at the house and I really don’t like it there much anymore. Am I going to have to live there forever? What is going to happen to me? You said you would watch out for me and now I’m wondering what that actually means.”

“Well Kim that is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I know a lot of people have broken a lot of promises to you, but I want to look you right in the eye and tell you that I meant every word of what I have said to you. When I went to school a long time ago they taught us that we weren’t supposed to get too close to our patients because that’s not what psychologists are supposed to do. I say to hell with that. I promised I would help take care of you and I meant it. So on that note, I wanted to check with you about something. What if I could arrange it so you could come and live with me? I say this carefully because that is not the easiest thing to make happen, and one of those things would involve me officially adopting you. I know Stephanie is also on board with this, and my hope would be that the three of us could all live together. So what do you think?”

“What do I think?” she replied. “I think that is what I want more than anything else in the world. I know I should feel awful and be sad about everything that has happened, but being with you guys has given me something to wish for again.”

“Ok, well that’s good to hear Kim. I have been wishing a lot as well, and one of these wishes is for you to have a happy life, and lately I’ve been getting this really strong feeling that Stephanie and I are supposed to be a part of this. You should know that I talked to your dad about this, and one of the things that will happen is that he will no longer be your legal guardian.”

Kim winced as he said this, and he knew that this was perhaps a mistake to throw all of this at her at once. They had a great deal more to do in therapy surrounding her experiences with her father, and he even considered that she may be better served by another therapist if he was going to take such a strong parental role in her life. He wanted to provide for her a template of a loving and trustworthy male figure, but also knew she needed her own space to deal with her abuse. It was something they would have to talk about as time progressed.

“I have been really scared about my dad being in jail.  I guess I know what he did to me was wrong, but I don’t want bad things to happen to him. I don’t know what you mean when you say legal guardian. Does that mean I’ll never see him again?” she asked.

Careful here, John reminded himself. He didn’t want to make any assurances when it came to Tom, and knew that it would be dangerous to make any promises to Kim before the legal issues were settled.

“Well Kim, I can’t say anything about your dad for sure right now. According to the law, he’s going to have to be in jail for a while. He is taking something called a plea bargain, which means he’s going to admit what he did was wrong and not have to go through a whole trial. He told me he was seeing a doctor like me right now, and I hope he is able to figure out and take responsibility for why what he did to you was wrong,” he explained.

Looking at Kim, he could see she was troubled by this news and he tried hard to think about how he could help her. He knew she was experiencing all kinds of conflicting emotions right now, and he made up his mind to get her an appointment with a female colleague of his who specialized in sexual trauma.

“Kim, one more thing. How would you to come out to lunch with me and Stephanie this weekend?

Seeing her smile, he knew that there wag a big piece of her that was accessing an amazing kind of resilience. He thought again about Paul’s letter, and particularly the point about taking comfort in the people we love. For the first time in quite a while, he realized that he was providing this comfort to someone else. Dr. Paul would be pleased.

John picked up Stephanie in Dr. Paul’s old Cadillac, which was a strange choice of vehicles for a daily Chicago commute. Still slightly traumatized from his own recent car accident, he felt a sense of security driving around this tank of a car, and it was nice to experience the world as his old mentor had for so many years before.

Heading out to Kim’s foster home, John told Stephanie about his idea, and she seemed quite intrigued if not a little apprehensive. Earlier that day John had spoken with Don, the man who now owned his grandparent’s farm, and discussed with him the possibility of buying the farm from him. Although Don loved the farm a great deal, his wife had continued to put pressure on him to move back to the city, and Don was starting to see that he may have to go along with this to save his marriage. They had spoken for nearly an hour on the phone, and John felt a little sad for Don and the way his personal dream of living on the farm had progressed.  Timing was everything in life, and right now it didn’t seem like it was Don’s time to live in the country.

John thought about his own ability to handle such a transition, and how he had lived in the city for most of his adult life. One of the things that struck him most about this potential purchase was how nice it might be for Kim to get away from Chicago and all of the memories and associations the city held for her.

Also an urbanite, Stephanie was very interested in traveling to see the farm, and that was what John had discussed with her this morning. Both Stephanie and Kim had a spring break coming up, and he wanted to see about taking them all out there for a visit to see the farm and tour the pacific northwest where he was originally from. Although John didn’t know about the logistics of making a permanent move back out to this part of the country, he did now have the financial means to buy a farm. A part of him still wanted to reconnect with that old familiar feeling of comfort that the farm represented to him, and he was hoping the two women in his life would experience the same kind of thing.

At the pizza place, John explained the idea to Kim, and she was both excited and scared to travel on an airplane for the first time. She had never been more than 100 miles outside of Chicago, and a trip across the country would truly be the adventure of a lifetime for her.

“John what will we do when we’re out there?” Kim asked.

“Well we can do lots of things; I’d love to show you the Ocean where I used to go when I was a kid. We can also go the mountains, and to where I grew up. I thought it might be nice to get out of Chicago for a while. It’s been a long winter for all of us, and I thought we could all use a little fun. So what do you think?”

“I think it sounds too hard to believe. My whole life I’ve dreamed about traveling to the places I’ve seen in books and on TV, but I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance,” she replied.

“Would you believe it if I told you I used to feel the exact same way when I was a kid?” John asked. “One of the places I want to take you guys is my old hometown where I grew up. I used to sit by the river for hours wondering if my life was ever going to change or if I was going to be permanently trapped in this place forever. So I guess what I’m saying is, I know how you feel. My family didn’t have much money growing up, so I never got to go many places either. So now that I have the chance, I want to do things for you two guys that I didn’t always get the chance to do.”

“Well, I for one would love to see all of the places that helped make you who you are,” Stephanie said to both of them.

“Me too,” Kim said with a smile.

On the drive home they stopped for ice cream and talked about all of the things they would do when they went on their trip. Kim had never been to a zoo before, and that was high on her list. Stephanie wanted to go to the famous Pike Place market in Seattle and shop for things she could use in her art. They sat there for some time talking and laughing and planning all of the things they wanted to do. John reached into his coat pocket and felt Dr. Paul’s letter to make sure it was still there. He reminded himself to remember this night and the way it had made him feel. It was the first time since he was a child that John felt like he was part of a family.

Later that night at Stephanie’s house, John had a chance to have a more in depth conversation with her about what it was they meant to each other. They had been moving rather quickly, and they both thought it was important to have a serious conversation about their mutual expectations. The idea of moving her life across the country was a bit of a shock for Stephanie, but not one that she was unwilling to consider. She had been in Chicago for quite some time, and enjoyed the options living in a big city offered.

“I appreciate so much you keeping an open mind about this trip,” John began. “I would never ask you or Kim to move your lives across the country unless it was something that was right for all of us. I know all of our lives have become intertwined pretty quickly, but I also know, without question, how I feel about wanting you guys in my life. All of the things that have happened over these last few months seem to be part of a larger puzzle, and for me at least, the glue that holds it all together is the way I feel about you.”

“John you always know just the right thing to say, and please be patient with me if I’m a little slower to respond,” she said. “No man has ever said the things you say to me before or looked at me the way that you do, and sometimes it makes me feel things so strongly that it scares me. I feel all those same things for you, and feel like we’ve found each other at this point in our lives because this is how it was supposed to happen. Your love and admiration has filled up a part of me that has been missing my entire life, and now for the first time in my life I’m starting to feel like a whole person. Like you I’ve had a tendency to run in my life, and I want us to make a pact that when either one of is feeling like this we will talk about it and try and work it out.”

“It’s interesting you bring this up, because earlier tonight when we were all having ice cream, I reached into my pocket and felt for this,” John said as he handed her the letter he had kept from Dr. Paul. “It’s the last thing Paul ever communicated to me, and it is a reminder to do exactly what you just talked about. The thing that I want you to believe more than anything, is that I’ve tried it the other way in my life, and I just kept ending up in the same place. You and Paul and Kim have all provided me with a glimpse of what life could be like when I make decisions based on love, and it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.”

“John I don’t have doubts about how you feel, I just am a little scared about how much loving you gives you the power to hurt me. When I heard about you staying out late and hanging out with strange women when you were home, you can’t imagine how that made me feel. I know you didn’t do anything, but just the thought is scary to me and makes me retract a little just thinking about how that might have felt if you did. I know from some of my past experiences that there is a difference between love and addiction, although they can often feel very much the same.”

“Ok, fair enough. I think I understand what you’re saying, and if the situation was reversed I would feel awful thinking about you hanging out late at night with other men. The thing is, that in the beginning love is a kind of addiction. The same things happen in the brain. The falling in love is the easy part for most people, but not for me. I’ve always done it kind of halfway before and therefore not given it every bit of what I had to give. The other night when we were together I just sat and watched you sleep. Watched you for a long time actually. What occurred to me was that I still have a lot to learn about what love really is, and that in this regard you have been a wonderful teacher. Perhaps I haven’t always been the best student, and I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes my own ego gets in the way. I do know that I will try and listen more and talk less, as we engage on this journey together.”

Upon hearing this she reached out and pulled John towards her and held him in a long embrace. She reached up and touched his face and stared into his eyes, seemingly making up her mind about something as she took him by the hand and led her towards her bedroom. They spent a wonderful night together and fell asleep in each other arms. Two people on the cusp of a new life together, resting, peaceful.

Later that week John picked up Kim and brought her over to Stephanie’s house for breakfast. He had made special arrangements with Kim’s foster family to take Stephanie on vacation. He and Stephanie were now officially registered as foster parents, although for now at least Kim was going to remain where she was. This trip would be a good barometer of how the three of them functioned together as a family.

Riding in a cab was also a new experience for Kim, and John could sense her excitement as she took a look around at everything. He thought about how overwhelming all of this must seem to her, and reminded himself to be patient with her as she navigated this major adventure. It helped that she also had such a strong rapport with Stephanie, and watching them together was a very heartwarming feeling for John. Watching Kim and really taking her in, John was getting a new feeling regarding her, and it was quite different than what he had experienced previously. It felt a lot like hope.

While they were in the air, the three of them talked and watched a movie, and both John and Stephanie took turns talking to Kim and helping her with her nervousness about flying. They had chipped in and bought her a new outfit for the day, and she was carrying herself with a kind of confidence that John had never seen from her before. He guessed that being with them she felt a sense of belonging, and seeing the affect this had on her, he was again reminded of what a powerful affect this had on people.

An hour later they touched down in Portland Oregon, where John took care of the rental car arrangements and the three of them began their journey toward Ecola State Park on the Pacific Ocean. It was one of John’s favorite places on earth, and he had loved it even more when he found out one of his favorite movies from his childhood, The Goonies, was filmed there. Much like the children in that movie, Kim was in a kind of limbo in her life, and he reminded himself to rent the film so they all could watch it later that evening.

John surprised both of the girls by literally pulling the car onto the beach and driving, which was surprisingly still okay on certain stretches of the Oregon coast. They were both delighted at this development, although John scared them on a couple off occasions by driving too close to the water. Later they stopped at a place called Mo’s which was an old favorite of John’s right on the water in the city of Cannon Beach. They spent the rest f the day sitting on the beach, throwing Frisbees, and walking out to the famous Haystack rock on the beach there. Later that night at the hotel, John popped in a DVD of The Goonies that he purchased, and they all sat and watched as John introduced Stephanie to one of Oregon’s Pinot Noir red wines. It was as nice as a day as he could remember.

The next morning they made the drive up to Seattle with the firs stop being the Pike’s Place market, which was one of the liveliest open air markets in the United States. Kim was amazed at the way they flung fish through the air there, and it was difficult to get both she and Stephanie to leave the place once they had settled in.

Later that afternoon they had lunch on top of the Space Needle, which was an amazing adventure for Kim, who was afraid of heights and at first very reluctant to get into the elevator. Looking out at the water and mountains in the distance was a spectacular feeling, and John reminded himself to take some pictures and document the experience.

That evening in the hotel, John had noticed that Kim seemed especially quiet, and he could feel that she seemed to be upset about something. He knew this must all be a bit overwhelming, and wanted to check in with her about how she was understanding all this.

“Kim you seem a little quiet tonight, is there anything you want to talk about,” John asked.

“Well, this whole trip has been so much fun, I guess I’m just thinking of how much I don’t want it to end. My whole life I’ve dreamed of doing things like we did today, but on the other hand I feel like I am not supposed to be here, like everyone is going to find me out anytime,” was her reply.

John took a long look at her and was amazed at the level of insight she seemed to be developing. Was he rubbing off on her? This was a thought that had plagued him his entire life. The imposter syndrome. The feeling that one doesn’t belong somewhere and that the facade they have created could crumble at any time. It was something John had always battled with.

“Kim would it surprise you to know that I feel this way too sometimes? My whole life I’ve watched people on vacations and wondered if they were getting something that I didn’t. I just never felt that I belonged the same way that everyone else did. Until now that is. Being with you and Stephanie has made me feel that way for the first time.”

“Really? We did that for you? You seem like you have it all together to me. You are a rich doctor, have a hot girlfriend, and are even on TV sometimes. It’s hard for me to believe that someone like you could feel this way.”

“Well Kim, I’ll tell you. I’ve seen hundreds of people in therapy, from the very rich, to famous people, to people who didn’t even have a place to sleep at night. And you know what? Every one of them has felt exactly like you and I did at one point in their lives. It’s part of being human I think. What I do know is that in this time, in this place, I think we are all lucky to have each other, and it’s something that has changed my life. So when you are feeling like you don’t belong somewhere, please try and remember that I care about you and your happiness more than anything else in the world. I hope that gives you some kind of comfort, because it certainly does for me knowing you are a part of my life.”

The next morning they began the drive towards his old family farm. He had made arrangements with the owner Don to see the farm again, and he had made reservations at a bed and breakfast in the area for all of them to stay at.

Driving across Washington State in the springtime was an amazing example of a world in renewal. Seeing the Cascade mountains and long sprawling valleys took John back to another time in his life, where a trip in the car like this meant a break from his life and a taste of the adventure he craved so much growing up.

There first stop was in the town of Roselyn Washington, where one of John’s favorite TV shows growing up called Northern Exposure was filmed. In the series the center of the town was a tavern called The Brick, where everyone would congregate to eat and drink, and this was in fact a real business in the city where they stopped to have their lunch.

John thought about what an adventure this must be for Kim, and remembered what it was like when he was a kid and he encountered new and exotic places for the first time. He could still remember the sights and the smells of the early adventures of his life, and perhaps because he had so few of them in his early years, he had spent his adult life chasing this feeling. He wondered if this would be the same for Kim. Would she develop a tasted for travel and adventure as he had? He hoped he could encourage her in this direction, while also making at least some case for the importance of stability. It was a lesson he was still learning himself.

Later that afternoon they stopped at Snoqualmie Pass and watched the waterfalls and did a small hike in the mountains to get some exercise and take some pictures. He was purposely taking his time on the drive across the state, as he had a strong feeling that there was something on the farm he was supposed to find out, and it was a heavy feeling that also felt like a kind of burden. Had this been a solo trip he would have likely stopped for a beer to escape this feeling, but today this seemed a bit unwise. It was not a good coping strategy when you had people who were depending on you.

Winding down past Mt. Ranier and into the Yakima Valley, John was again struck by this heavy feeling, and he wanted to figure out what it was the universe was trying to tell him. He realized he was struggling with something that he had dealt with his entire life regarding his understanding of the differences between freedom and responsibility, and it was something that he needed to reconcile. Could those two things coexist in his life without feeling like a kind of tension of the opposites? He wasn’t sure, but also knew that it was an important puzzle for him to figure out, as he no longer had Dr. Paul to help him do this. He had some thinking to do.

John found himself thinking about his recurring dream about the farm, and all of the possible interpretations as to why this particular setting continued to invade his subconscious. Years back when he was a student of Dr. Paul’s, they had done some dream interpretation, and he had suggested to John that the dream was indicative of what life could be. Now John was contemplating actually stepping into his own dream and finding out what life could be, and the whole thing had an eerie synchronicity that was both comforting as well as haunting.

That evening they got settled into the bed and breakfast, and then took a little drive around the city to see the schools and check out some of the town. He took them over to the neighboring town of Grandview Washington, where he himself had spent the first 5 years of his life, and seeing his old house was a powerful jolt to his memory as to how much he actually internalized from these years that had stayed with him.

As they walked the same streets John had walked as a small child, he once again found himself thinking about the idea of eternal recurrence. What if he was living the same life over and over again, and i this was happening to him, what lessons had he learned each time? How had he improved?

He thought about this in terms of parenting as well as how it may affect his relationship with Kim. His own parents had felt the strain of small-town living, and had gotten divorced a few short years after. Was he destined to repeat this pattern? Would his own intolerance for boredom cause him to push the people he loved away from him? He knew these were important questions to answer, and that it was something he would have to seriously confront if he was really thinking of moving back here. Was he trying to recreate his own parent’s word and do it right this time? It was a relevant interpretation of the situation. Freud called this the repetition compulsion, where people keep putting themselves in the same situations over and over again while expecting a different outcome. What steps could he take to actually change his outcome?

John realized he was in effect performing therapy on himself, using Dr. Paul’s lessons as a kind of second portion of the therapeutic conversation. He felt once again for the letter in his pocket, and remembered the point about responsibility and happiness. All of life came down to choices. Regardless of our personal baggage the moment to moment choices were the things that defined our lives, and John reminded himself to be careful about his own.  A lot was at stake.

The next morning they all headed out to the farm to look around. Kim had never been out to the country before, and seeing all of the animals was an exciting thing for her. Later that evening they had scheduled a horseback ride, and Stephanie in particular was excited about this as she had ridden horses growing up, and had for a long time wanted to do this again.

Arriving at the farm, Don introduced his wife Sarah and his children Jack and Katie to everyone, and they all got to know each other better over lunch, as he and John took a walk to discuss the particulars of a possible sale.

“So I have to say I was a little surprised that you called,” Don said with curiosity. “I could tell this place had some kind of hold on you though, so I guess I’m actually more intrigued than surprised. My question I guess is, why now? Not that it’s any of my business, but it just seemed kind of sudden.”

Why now? How many times had John asked that question of someone in therapy? It was perhaps the most important questions at the beginning of therapy, and John knew the question was a powerful one. He thought about an old quote from Hillel that went back thousands of years. “if not me, then who? If not now, then when? They were questions people had to answer if they were going to take responsibility for changing their lives, and John was trying very hard to answer them for himself.

“Well Don, a couple of reasons actually,” John explained. “For one the man who I was closer to than anyone else in the world, the man who was essentially a father to me, passed away. He left me some of his money, but he also left me a lot more than that. He left me some instructions on how I should live the rest of this little time I have left, and I want to do my best to honor those instructions. My whole life I have somehow felt like this farm was part of my destiny. I know that may sound crazy to you, but my feelings about these things are never wrong.”

“It doesn’t sound crazy at all,” Don replied. “I felt the same thing the first time I saw this place, but like I told you on the phone, it just doesn’t seem to be my time to live here. My wife is a city person and she’s going a little crazy out here, and it’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to choose between the farm and my marriage. This decision is not as easy as you might think. I’ve loved this place and I’ve loved living here, and a part of me thinks I could be happy here living by myself forever. Then I think about my wife and my kids and what would make them happy, and I realize that what I want doesn’t come first right now.”

“You know Don, I have the same kind of feelings sometimes,” John responded. “I wonder if the world would just be easier if I could be alone and write and do what I wanted to do without the world getting in the way. As a matter of fact I’ve kind of been living like that for the last 10 years. It hasn’t worked for me. I guess I’m starting to understand the difference between short-term pleasure and the long-term version, and decided that maybe the second choice is better. That’s what I’m working on anyway, and I have no idea yet if I’m right or wrong.”

“The grass is always greener I think,” Don said in return. “When we lived in LA the kids loved the idea of living on a farm, and my wife was going to paint, take care of the animals, and all the rest of it. When we got out here they’ve all been bored. I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this since you’re thinking of buying the place, but something tells me you understand.”

“I think I know what you mean Don, “John said. “People often make the mistake of thinking a change of location is going to solve things, and then they wake up and find that they’re still the same person with all of the same inner turmoil. I also know however that this place holds a kind of peace for me that I’ve never been able to replicate, and that is tied to something I’m supposed to find out about my life. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this considering I’m trying to buy the place, but it’s just something that I know. The city has been very good to me in many ways, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever leave it completely, but this is more than just a place to me. It represents an idea of home that I can’t even properly explain to you. The funny thing is it wasn’t my home, but I know when I did come here I never wanted to leave. There’s an old saying I love; it is a fool who fails to return to the place of his last happiness. I guess that in a sense explains  how I feel about this place.”

“Well John, I truly hope I find a place like that myself someday. Something tells me that if we do move away from here, in 6 months everyone will be telling stories about the farm and how much they loved it here. I think some of that might just be the way people are designed. We appreciate things a whole lot more when they’re in the rear view mirror, and the hard part about this for me is I can already see it. When we were in Los Angeles everyone couldn’t wait to move out here, and I suspect the reverse will be true as well. Maybe we can agree to sell this place back to each other every 10 years. That might solve all of our problems,” Don said as he laughed.

“Man Don, you have a lot of wisdom about people, and I know what you mean about the grass being greener,” John continued. “I’ve come to understand something about myself lately regarding this subject, and it has been a kind of guiding light for me. I’ve always taken this grass is always greener approach to people, and I consequently have pushed people away from me my entire life. I’ve just now started to understand the magnitude of this. I can tell you I’ve seen hundreds of people in therapy and really, people aren’t all that different. At our cores, all of us want to be loved and respected, but we seem to find a thousand ways to make that hard for people. We sometimes think that if people really knew the real person they wouldn’t give us these things anymore. That’s been the appeal for me to start with new people all the time. When you start over you get to hide all those darker parts of yourself from others for a while, but I can tell you Don, this gets exhausting. Sorry to preach to you like this, but it is a long-winded way of saying that this was the only place I never felt that urge to run from. It was a place where I felt completely understood, and that is something I think everyone should feel at least once in their lives.”

“Well John I can see this place brings something out in you, and like I say, my wife really wants it,” was Don’s response. “It would actually make me really happy to know that the person who buys it was going to be happy here, and I can’t think of anyone better than you for the job. We can discuss the specifics with the business folks, but as far as I’m concerned, if you want to buy the place then you have a deal,” he said as extended his hand as John shook it.

“One thing though,” Don said with a smile.

“Yeah?”

“You have to promise I can come and visit if I start to lose my mind in the city.” And with that Don began walking back to the house to tell his wife what he was sure would make her happy. John however had one more thing left to do.

John stood at the back of the barn, standing with one foot in front of the other. Although it had been more than 20 years since he had done this, he remembered the procedure like it was yesterday. Exactly 30 steps one foot after other, close to the old fence post. Although his feet had gotten a little larger since those days, the whole routine came back to him like he was a kid again.

What John was looking for was something he had done when he was 13. It was a time capsule he had buried on the advice of his grandmother, and, although he didn’t remember exactly what was in there, he did remember writing a letter to himself, and now he wanted to see exactly what this letter said, if of course it had actually survived.

Near the old fence post John started to dig, and at first he was little discouraged by his findings. He took one full step backwards to account for his larger feet, and started to dig again. After 15 minutes or so he saw the sturdy silver lunchbox-type container, and took it out. It was still here after all these years.

The first thing he grabbed was an old copy of the book Amazing Stories he has loved as a kid. He turned to a story he had bookmarked called Gather ye Acorns. It was about a little boy who is visited by a troll and told that the world needed more dreamers. The little boy takes this advice, and breaks his parent’s hearts by becoming a comic book collector as opposed to a doctor. It takes nearly 40 years, but in the end the little boy’s dreams do in fact come true. It was a wonderful story for John to sit and read at this point in his life.

He found some other things including a yo-yo and a harmonica, as well as a packet of baseball cards from all of the Chicago Cubs. This was interesting to him, as he thought back to watching all of those old games on WGN growing up, which was one of the only stations a kid from the northwest could actually watch a baseball game. As a result of this odd programming quirk, thousands of kids from this part of the world grew up to become Cubs fans. John had done more than that, as the city had put a stamp on his life that was truly hard to quantify. He marveled at the synchronicity of this.

At the bottom of the pail was an envelope that said “dear old John,” and he let out a hearty laugh of approval as he tore it open. Was he officially “old John” now? In some ways he thought so, but in others he still felt very much like a 13 year-old kid. Opening the letter, he began to read,

Dear old John,

If you are reading this now, you are still alive. That is good. I’m very curious as to what you finally became. Are you a baseball player now? If so you are rich and probably should not be standing here.

I guess it doesn’t do any good to ask questions because you can’t answer them back for me, so instead, I will give you some advice. As you know, your parents got divorced. I hope if you get married you don’t do this. It is hard for a kid to have to go to all those school things without a dad, and I hope when you get married you will remember this and try real hard to make things work. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but I want you to remember that you felt like this. Maybe it will help you to be nicer to your own wife and kids.

Also, be nice to your mom. Remember that she raised you all by herself, and had to give up a lot of stuff to try and do this. Sometimes she even works three jobs so we can all have enough money. I hope you didn’t forget about this and are still nice to her.

Finally, if you are here and you are reading this, it must mean you found your way back to the farm. How did you do this? Do grandma and grandpa still live here? Are they still alive? I hope so on both counts, as I really love it here. It’s the only place I feel like life kind of just stops and we all get to just be together as a family and have fun. Maybe if you’ve made some money you can even buy this place someday. I don’t think you will regret it.

Most of all I hope you’re happy now. Sometimes I get depressed now, and I hope you have grown out of this. Sometimes I like to be by myself, and that makes me happy, but mostly I think you need to find a way to be happy with other people. When you run away from them you’re really just punishing yourself. Try and remember this!!

Well by for now. Really hope you read this!!

Young John

John held the letter in his hand and as he did felt for the letter in his pocket from Dr. Paul. Once again he felt like he was living in a kind of eternal recurrence. He was truly startled to think about how eerily he had anticipated some of his own future issues as a 13-year old boy, and also how good his advice to his future self really was.

He found himself thinking about what he would write to his future self if he was going to read a letter 25 years from now. Would he have the same fears? The same doubts? The same good advice to offer? He realized he had reached a time in his life when he had to stop giving and receiving advice, and to just start living. He was going to fail at things, life had certainly taught him that, and other people were certainly going to fail him. It was what he did after that that was going to determine if he was going to be happy or not. His life was halfway over, and it felt a little like he was in a snow globe that someone had been shaking furiously for decades. Now it was time to let the snow settle and start living.

He took the letter and put it in his pocket next to the one from Dr. Paul. Reminders from his past and instructions for his future were contained in both letters, and he knew they would both come in handy when he invariably stumbled. He felt like he was standing directly in the middle of his past and his future, which was the best place he could possibly think of being. Everything he had done was prelude to this moment right now. He felt a great deal of gratitude.

He wanted to go in and talk to his two girls, and tell  them about all of the things he had learned, but also wanted to savor the moment for a little longer. It was early evening and the sun had begun to set over the horizon, and he sat and took it all in as the sun went down over a beautiful red sky far in the distance. He was reminded of one of his favorite quotes as he did from the movie, A River Runs Though It, that “life is not a work of art, and that the moment could not last.” Although this line spoke to a kind of nostalgia about lost time, John found it strangely fitting as well as humbling. He wanted to create and share moments with the people he loved, and now that he had actually found two of these people, he wanted to get started as soon as possible. It occurred to him that he could now come back to this spot and watch this gorgeous scene over and over again.

John slowly turned to walk back towards the house, and as he did, saw that Stephanie and Kim were already outside, watching their own version of the sunset from a little further down the road. He started to walk towards them, and felt the urge to run. He was hoping he could explain everything he had been thinking about over these last couple of hours, but reminded himself to slow down and let them enjoy their own version of the sunset. They had all the time in the world. They were buying a farm.