The news of Dr. Paul’s death sobered John up in a hurry, and within minutes of hearing it he had arranged for a cab to take him home. He berated himself the entire way back for not being there, and waited till he got home to make some phone calls to find out what exactly had happened. He spent a very long night packing up his things and trying to make arrangements to change his plane reservations.

The next morning was bittersweet for John, as he was sad to be leaving his mother so abruptly after such a positive visit. He was happy they had reconnected over the past couple of days, and as he left he assured her how much their time together had meant to him. It had been a healing experience for him.

On the plane home John was numb, and he was still having a hard time processing that the man who had been the closest thing to a father he had really had was gone. It was particularly hard to make sense of considering how much he reconnected with his mother after so many years. One door opens and another door closes. John knew this to be true.

After speaking with a very distraught Mildred earlier that morning, John had discovered that the funeral services for Dr. Paul would be held the next morning at St. Patrick’s Catholic church in downtown Chicago. Paul had one sister in New York, and hundreds of colleagues and friends, but in reality John was closer to him than anyone else in his life. He knew sometime before tomorrow morning her would have to prepare a eulogy.

He replayed the circumstances in which he heard about Paul’s death in his head over and over again. In a bar, drunk, and perhaps about to make a mistake with a woman he barely knew. He couldn’t help but think how disappointed Paul would have been if he knew this, and he wondered if all of there work together had been for nothing. He knew this was self-destructive thinking, and reminded himself that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong other than have a few too many drinks in a bar. He tried to let himself off the hook, but it was difficult.

He wondered how he had gotten here. In retrospect hearing his father mentioned on the radio show the previous day had likely triggered something in John that made him repeat some of his father’s self-destructive patterns. Despite being a therapist, and being all too familiar with triggers and his own patterns of behavior, John had stumbled. He thought about how he would broach the subject with Stephanie.

Arriving home she was waiting for him at the airport, and hugging her and feeling her in his arms was an amazingly comforting feeling that instantly reminded him of everything he had been working so hard for. These were the moments where it truly was wonderful to have someone to love.

They drove to Stephanie’s house, and on the way, John did his best to explain where he was when she had finally gotten a hold of him last night. Seeing the wounded look on her face when he told her about his evening was devastating for him, and he reminded himself once again that all of his actions had consequences.

Later that afternoon he fixed her lunch, and did his best to assure her that her presence in his life was the best thing he had in this world. She agreed that it was something they could talk about later, and reminded him that he had to write a speech for Dr. Paul which she assumed would be a significant task for him emotionally. All the same he wanted to touch her and feel close to her, as she was the only thing in his life that made sense to him right now. Freud had remarked that the most important event in a man’s life was the death of his father, but for John, Dr. Paul did so much more for him than his own father, that he knew the effects of this would stay with him for a long time, perhaps forever. Right now he needed her comfort.

They spent the afternoon lying down together in her bed, and John was once again so thankful to be with such an understanding and compassionate soul such as Stephanie. Later they made love, and it was especially passionate and intimate considering the emotional circumstances of what John was growing through. He was reminded of Hemmingway’s description of sex as a way of beating back death. That’s what it felt like to him.

That evening he poured himself a large glass of Glenlivet and stared for quite some time at a blank screen. He had so much he wanted to say, but couldn’t quite break through the emotional ice he had built up to deal with the penetrating sadness he knew was going to come. He was well aware of the different stages of grief, and knew that part of what he was experiencing right now was denial. He spent a very long night wrestling with his own emotions, and when he finally did start to write after two glasses of scotch and several hours, the words poured out of him so freely that he was amazed when he looked up and saw it was now 5′Oclock in the morning. It was going to be a long day.

Chapter 37

Arriving at the church, John saw that hundreds of people were already there, and he was comforted by the fact that Paul had touched so many lives. He knew among this crowd were dozens of former patients, students, colleagues and other people who had been touched in some way by knowing Paul, and he for a moment took stock of what a powerful impact his life had had on the world.

When it came time for him to speak, John opened with a few jokes to lighten the mood. It was what he knew, and anyone that had actually known Dr. Paul had almost certainly shared a laugh with him. It was the kind of man he was. John continued;

“In all seriousness, there are hundreds of people here today because this wonderful man in some way touched our lives. Looking out over this crowd we get a small measure of this man’s life. A very small measure, because each person that interacted with Dr. Paul as a friend a patient or a colleague walked away from this interaction with their lives changed in some profound way. The true measure of his influence is I suspect not demonstrated by those of us who sit here, but by the lives we have in some way changed because of our interactions with Dr. Paul.

I first walked into Paul’s office as a young, arrogant, know-it all with a lot of opinions about how psychotherapy should be conducted. Boy did I learn to shut up in a hurry. Part of Paul’s affection was of the tough love variety, and he was more adept at cutting through false bravado than ay therapist I have ever known. One of the greatest gifts I learned from him was humility. Not learned exactly, but absorbed. Many of Paul’s gifts were given simply by being in his presence and observing how he conducted himself. Confident yet humble, stern but self-deprecating, and brutally honest and fiercely compassionate. These were some of the shades of Dr. Paul that I knew, and if I through the process of osmosis retained even a small amount of what he had to give, I am eternally thankful.

Paul and I spoke often at the end of his life, and one theme that came up again and again was love. Although therapeutic paradigms came and went through his career, he never deviated from the idea that therapy was about love, and he truly loved what he did more than anyone I have ever known. Beyond career choice though, Paul believed that finding loved in life, including love for our patients, love for our jobs, love for our partners, and perhaps most importantly love for ourselves, was paramount to finding meaning in this fleeting and imperfect life. To share something very personal with you, I ignored Dr. Paul’s advice on this subject for nearly a decade, but finally, after years of kicking and screaming, I understood what he was trying to say to me and took this leap of faith. It takes an incredibly patient man to wait ten years for a seed we plant to grow, but that’s the kind of man Paul was. I hope I can honor his patience and faith in me accordingly as I move forward with my own imperfect life.

I’d like to close with a quote from Colleen McCullough that some may find an unusual choice for a eulogy, but I think it speaks to many of the struggles Dr. Paul encountered as he made his way through this life, John continued. “There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain …Or so says the legend.

To me this describes the Paul I knew so well, and to the struggles he underwent as he gave every ounce of his empathy and love to others day after day and year after year. He gave so much to others it quite literally pained him at times, and the degree of his empathy was such, that for him the work he chose never really ended. He was simply born with an extraordinary gift of empathy that made him feel things very deeply. Not just good things, but love and hate and sorrow and grief and despair and the whole spectrum of human emotions on a daily basis. As the quote I read so eloquently expressed, the best is only bought at the cost of great pain. Dr. Paul’s pain was also his greatest gift, and we were blessed to have benefited so greatly from his daily struggle with that pain.

Personally I have thought a lot about how I can take everything Paul gave to me and pay it forward. How best to honor a man who influenced me so much and helped make me the man I am trying to become today. Albert Einstein said, our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. So I know that in my work, and in my life, and in the way I love, Paul’s voice will always be one I will hear. That’s the way it’s always been since I was that cocky kid that first walked into his office actually. The only thing different is his physical body has declined. His lessons, his spirit, kindness, courage and love haven’t gone anywhere, and perhaps they’ve even gotten stronger. Thank you for coming out to celebrate the life of this extraordinary friend, mentor, father, and teacher.

The after party following the funeral was both exhausting and gratifying for John, as he was emotionally and physical spent, but also enlivened to hear so many stories about how Paul had affected people’s lives. A few of Dr. Paul’s patients had asked him about starting therapy with him now that Paul had passed, and John realized that there were a number of logistical issues regarding his practice that John could perhaps be of assistance with. Losing your therapist to death was an incredibly traumatic loss for people in therapy, and he agreed to see everyone who had asked despite his reservations about how all of this might actually work. He was sure this was something Paul would have wanted.

Later that night, and despite have had less than 6 hours of sleep the following two nights, John went to a little jazz bar called Andy’s in downtown Chicago which had always been a favorite of Dr. Paul’s. His instincts were telling him to lean on Stephanie during this difficult time, but right now he just wanted to be in a place that let him feel close to his old mentor by himself. He knew his emotional state was fragile.

He had a number of glasses of Scotch as he sat and listened to the saxophone and tried not to think about all that he had to deal with. Paul was the man he had always turned to during the emotional storms of his life, and, despite what he said during the eulogy, he felt a huge whole in his life he knew would take a lot of time to work though.

John stayed at Andy’s until the place closed that night, drinking Scotch and silently toasting to himself all of the ways his old mentor had touched his life. The jazz has helped him lose time and get utterly lost in his memories, and he began to get an understanding of why Paul had enjoyed this place so much throughout his many years of working as a therapist in downtown Chicago.

Realizing he was quite drunk, and not wanting to go home and be alone there, John staggered over to the nearby House of Blues hotel and rented himself a room for the evening. Somehow being home was something he didn’t want to face that night, and he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up feeling something different than he was feeling. He was in pain, and he had dealt with it in an old familiar way by drinking way too much. He was in danger of backsliding, but for tonight at least just wanted to crash and forget about all of it.

John woke up the next morning to a ringing cell phone. He was still in his suit, and laughed to himself about his meeting with Dr. Paul a while back when they had joked about him waking up in his same clothes. John quickly sobered up however when he realized it was Paul’s sister on the phone, and he grew perplexed when she asked him to meet her downtown later that same afternoon.

John took a cab ride home and found himself wondering what it was Paul’s sister needed to talk about. He had met her only once over the years, and knew she was married to a wealthy man in New York where she lived with her family in downtown Manhattan. He knew there were some legal issues with Paul’s practice he could perhaps be of assistance with, although these kinds of things were hardly his area of expertise.

John felt a wave of depression as he walked into his house and saw the big suitcase sitting there in the middle of his living room. He had never really gotten unpacked since he had been back in Chicago, and he called Stephanie and asked if he could stay at her house again that night. John was relieved to find that she was happy to hear from him, and he reminded himself to stay vigilant and resist the urge to push her away from her now, despite the fact that he had a nearly lifelong tendency to do this.

They spent the day together talking about all of the recent developments in his life. Stephanie had reported that Kim had gotten a little restless and uncomfortable from not having spoken to him in a while, and it was something that had also been weighing heavily on his mind. His trip home, as well his night in the bar the night before were the beginning of a pattern of distancing that he was well aware of, and he remembered that this was a luxury he didn’t have when he had gotten so highly involved in a child’s life. He was committed now.

Later that afternoon, he found himself sitting in the office of a high-priced law firm in the city. It was unfamiliar ground for him, and as someone who had a nearly lifelong distaste for lawyers, he felt uncomfortable thinking about what it was he was doing here.

Seeing Paul’s sister Linda, John gave her a hug and thanked her for letting him be such a big part of her brother’s funeral. She assured john that his eulogy was beautiful, and that Paul had spoken of him often in the days before his death, which again filled John with a sense of guilt for not having been there. After they had comforted each other and exchanged pleasantries, John decided it was time to politely find out what he was doing here.

“Well John as you know, Paul didn’t have any children, and I was the only family he really had. What you may or may not have known was that Paul accumulated a great deal of money over the years, and he left much of it to various charities here in Chicago. The rest of it he left to you. His house, his practice, and a large part of his remaining assets. We had talked about this and I was fine with it. You were truly like a son to him and I can think of no better person to carry on my brother’s legacy,” she said with resolve.

John sat and took the news in with a sense of shock. He had never really known much about Dr. Paul’s finances, but guessed that 30 years of practicing so regularly must have been good to him. Having been fairly irresponsible with money for the majority of his life, John was having trouble processing that someone had just left him such a considerable amount of it. Linda had also given him a letter to read from her brother, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to read it just yet. After signing a great deal of paperwork with the lawyers and saying his goodbyes to Linda, John hailed a cab and started home. While he was stunned at this recent development in his life, a plan was also beginning to crystallize in his mind.

John’s first stop of the day was not a pleasant one, and as he made his way into the parking lot at the Cook County jail, he was hit with a feeling in the pit of his stomach that was extremely unsettling. He knew that momentarily he was about to confront a kind of evil, and that when he did he was going to have to stay calm and resist the urge to get angry and perhaps even violent. He was reminded of Peck’s book The People of the Lie, which talked about how one of the most fundamental tenets of people who are evil, is that they have no conceptualization of themselves this way. John suspected this was what was happening with prisoner #16509.

After going through security, John was led to a little room where he saw Tom, Kim’s father, dressed in the familiar Orange jumpsuit already sitting down waiting for him. This was the man who had forever stolen a little girl’s innocence, a little girl who meant the world to him and that he would do anything to protect. John thought that he could kill him if he had the chance, although that ran contrary to everything he knew as a psychologist. He took a deep breath and composed himself. He wanted to accomplish something here, and he reminded himself to stay calm no matter what happened.

“Hello doctor,” Tom said as he stood up and smiled. “I’d shake your hand but these kind of make that a little difficult,” he said as he rattled his handcuffs together.

“Hello Tom, don’t worry about the handshake,” John said as forced a smile. “I was never big on them anyway. Let’s sit down.”

“Whatever you say doc, I’ve got a lot of time to talk these days. Even been talking to a shrink since I’ve been in here,” Tom explained.

“Well good, I’m glad of that,” John said, “but if you don’t mind I’d like to talk about Kim and her future. I always respected your ability to talk straight, so I wanted to come in here and talk to you man to man. You see Kim is having some problems in foster care and I have to tell you I’m pretty worried about her. Although this isn’t something that psychologists do, I should tell you I’ve explored the possibility of becoming a foster parent and even looked into the process of adoption. I’ve grown very close to Kim and care about her very much.

Tom broke into a smile and looked John up and down as he digested what he had just heard.

“Getting a little lonely at home doc?”

John took a deep breath and again felt his stomach rumble like someone had just punched him, and he resisted the urge to strangle this man, although every part of him wanted to. He knew getting into a pissing contest right now would be the worst possible thing he could do for Kim, and he struggled to regain his composure.

“The thing is Tom I have been lonely in my life, but a lot of things have happened to me over the course of this last year, and I’ve though a lot about what it is I want to do with the time I have left. One of the things that has happened is I’ve gotten to know your daughter, and I’ve seen how scared she is and how much she needs to be part of a family. I don’t have a family Tom, and my life is halfway over. One of the things I’ve learned from your daughter is how much people need each other in this world, and what can happen when we don’t have anyone to turn to when things get hard. I’ve also met a wonderful woman, one of Kim’s teachers actually, who also cares about Kim very much. She is also completely committed to helping Kim however she can, and will also be a big part of this if you agree to it.

“Well that’s great doc. Good for you,” Tom replied. “But saying I do go along with all of this, what’s in it for me? I have to pay my goddamned lawyer almost 10,000 dollars to help get me out of this mess, and money doesn’t grow on trees. Maybe if you do something for me I could do something for you, no what I’m saying doc?”

“Well Tom, I’ll tell you, that makes me feel a little dirty, but if that’s what it would take to make this happen, than it would be something I would seriously consider. One thing though, if this is something we can agree on then it would have to be final. I pledge to you that I will take care of your daughter and keep her safe from the bad things in this world with every ounce of my power. I don’t know you that well Tom, and I don’t know everything you might have been through in your life, but what I do know is that this is what is best for Kim right now. If I pay you this money and we sign those papers, Kim is no longer going to be a part of your life. Is this something I can have your word on?”

“You’re right doc, you don’t know my life,” Tom responded. “You don’t know for instance that my daddy used to beat me with a belt so hard that I couldn’t go to school for a week sometimes. You don’t know that I’ve never lived a day in my life without worrying where my next dollar was coming from and what I was going to do for money. You don’t know that my wife used to go months without having sex with me and that I was so goddamn frustrated that I had to start fucking my own daughter.”

The people of the lie will see themselves as victims, even in situations where they are clearly the aggressors. John knew this pattern, and could see from the look on Tom’s face that he clearly saw himself as a kind of victim. He also had a sense that he was indeed serious about forgoing his rights to Kim, and that there was at least some part of him that understood that this was the right decision for Kim. Sitting down, John pulled his chair up next to Tom’s and put his hand on his shoulder.

“Tom, I know you’ve had a lot of pain in your life, I can see that. I’m glad you are talking to a doctor about all of this stuff, I truly am. I am asking you, again, however, to do what’s best for your daughter here. In this time, in this place, I’m asking you to trust me that this is the right thing. I’ll pay the money you ask to help you out, that I can do for you. What I need from you though is your word that you will no longer be a part of Kim’s life. I want you to think about it and I also want to talk to Kim about this, but as far as I’m concerned I’m ready to move forward with this,” John said with finality.

The whole drive home John felt uncomfortable by the shakedown that just took place, but also pragmatic about solving the problem he was confronted with. If ten-thousand dollars could buy Kim’s freedom from her father, then it was a small price to pay. He made an appointment with a lawyer to discuss the specifics of any possible arrangements, and thought about how he was going to broach the subject with Kim.

Arriving at home, he noticed the unopened letter from Dr. Paul lying on the table, and decided he needed to read it, which was something he had been avoiding. Somehow it represented a kind of finality for John, and it pained him to think about how large of a loss the letter really represented. Ripping it open, he took it out and began to read;

Dear  John,

I can honestly say I’ve never started a letter with “Dear John” before. Ironically it kind of fits this situation however, because if you are reading this it means I’m dead. Sorry to sound so morbid, but really, get the fuck over it. If I have taught you anything, you know that you aren’t going to be able to get my voice out of your head that easily. I’m going to haunt you for a while.

Perhaps you’re wondering why I chose to leave you most of my worldly possessions. I would be too if I were you. The fact is John I have been working and living alone for quite some time now and over the last decade or so had been focusing on little else but work.

So imagine my surprise when my prize student walked back into my life after so many years. Working with you and seeing the changes you are making in your life was a reminder to me why I chose to do what I did for so many years, and was a validation of everything I had secretly hoped I had accomplished in my career.

So pay it forward John. I know you enjoy being a writer and being on TV and all of your other media related activities, but none of that speaks to the day-to day battle that goes on in the therapeutic office. I hope you’ve absorbed this lesson because you are the utter embodiment of the truth behind this idea. For ten years I watched you try to change, and was more frustrated than you know watching you take two step backwards every time you took one forward. It was like watching a slideshow of my own past life, and at times it felt like every inch of insight was contested. This frustration gave way to pride however, as I was really getting a sense that you were finally starting to make the kind of internal changes that can lead to happiness.

As time passes, remember that you will sometimes feel the need to run. This is an inclination wired deep into your character, and will likely be with you for a while. Resist this urge. Remember that a change of scenery solves nothing when you are unable or unwilling to take responsibility for the life you have created for yourself and the people who have chosen to love you, because really, this is all there is. We choose a select few to really share this adventure with, and when you find these people in your life, hold on to them for dear life. They will be your greatest historians, biggest fans, and most comforting sources of support when things go wrong, which they inevitably will. You have bee one of these people in my life John, and I hope that you have begun to appreciate how much people value having you in there lives. I know I certainly did.

Remember your love John, and especially remember to let people love you back. Take it from me that this may perhaps be the most difficult part. You will do great things if you remember this one piece of advice. Make me proud,

Paul.

John began to cry as he finished reading the letter, and knew that he would read it many more times in his life as he thought about all the ways Dr. Paul had influenced his life. Remember your love. It was a mantra he would try and remember during his remaining time, and it seemed particularly important now as he planned a number of major changes in his external world. He knew that the external changes were easy. The hard part came from living with your decisions after the novelty began to fade.

He spent the next couple of hours thinking about this idea, and how it might be relevant down the road when the romantic rush of he and Stephanie’s courtship began to wane, Kim became a difficult teenager, and he himself confronted the inevitability of getting older. Would he be able to handle the changing seasons without desiring a different kind of life? He hoped so, and knew that ultimately this was what Paul meant by taking responsibility. He reminded himself to read Dr. Paul’s letter again whenever he experienced these kinds of feelings.

Later that evening he went over to Stephanie’s house and had dinner. It was so nice being with her in these quiet moments, and John was beginning to realize what Dr. Paul meant when her talked about being with the people you love as a kind of comfort. He had felt passion, romance, adventure, and all kinds of other things with the women he had been with in other incantations in his life, but this feeling of comfort was very new to him, and also the thing he loved about being with Stephanie the most. They stayed up most of the night talking about Dr. Paul, Kim, and all of the things that had happened in their lives recently that seemed to be happening so fast. As John watched her sleep he was again reminded of the Buddhist proverb, “when the student is ready, the teacher appears.” All of these years he thought he was the teacher.

But now he realized he was really the student.

After reading Dr. Paul’s letter John was excited to get back to work, and he approached his first day back with a great deal of enthusiasm. Between going home, Dr. Paul’s death, and his sudden newfound wealth, there had been some significant changes in his life, and he wanted to get back to a sense of normalcy in his life as much as possible.

Kim was coming in for an office visit today, and he had something important that he wanted to talk to her about. He remembered the feeling he had the last time he saw her, and all morning he was experiencing it again. If he didn’t intervene in her life she was headed for a long fall. This feeling wasn’t about his arrogance as a therapist, but instead a kind of message from somewhere that he knew he had to act on. Although he wasn’t a religious man, John trusted this feeling more than anything else in the universe.

Still, he had a difficult task. Despite any wishes he had personally about what he would like to have happen, Kim was trapped in a very awkward legal limbo that would be extremely difficult to untangle.

“Hey, Kim,” John said as she arrived. She walked over to him and hugged him as he spoke, and he again felt how badly this little girl needed to attach to someone.

“Hey, nice to see you honey. Sorry I’ve been away for a while.”

“I missed you John,” Kim replied.  “Things haven’t been that great at the house and I really don’t like it there much anymore. Am I going to have to live there forever? What is going to happen to me? You said you would watch out for me and now I’m wondering what that actually means.”

“Well Kim that is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I know a lot of people have broken a lot of promises to you, but I want to look you right in the eye and tell you that I meant every word of what I have said to you. When I went to school a long time ago they taught us that we weren’t supposed to get too close to our patients because that’s not what psychologists are supposed to do. I say to hell with that. I promised I would help take care of you and I meant it. So on that note, I wanted to check with you about something. What if I could arrange it so you could come and live with me? I say this carefully because that is not the easiest thing to make happen, and one of those things would involve me officially adopting you. I know Stephanie is also on board with this, and my hope would be that the three of us could all live together. So what do you think?”

“What do I think?” she replied. “I think that is what I want more than anything else in the world. I know I should feel awful and be sad about everything that has happened, but being with you guys has given me something to wish for again.”

“Ok, well that’s good to hear Kim. I have been wishing a lot as well, and one of these wishes is for you to have a happy life, and lately I’ve been getting this really strong feeling that Stephanie and I are supposed to be a part of this. You should know that I talked to your dad about this, and one of the things that will happen is that he will no longer be your legal guardian.”

Kim winced as he said this, and he knew that this was perhaps a mistake to throw all of this at her at once. They had a great deal more to do in therapy surrounding her experiences with her father, and he even considered that she may be better served by another therapist if he was going to take such a strong parental role in her life. He wanted to provide for her a template of a loving and trustworthy male figure, but also knew she needed her own space to deal with her abuse. It was something they would have to talk about as time progressed.

“I have been really scared about my dad being in jail.  I guess I know what he did to me was wrong, but I don’t want bad things to happen to him. I don’t know what you mean when you say legal guardian. Does that mean I’ll never see him again?” she asked.

Careful here, John reminded himself. He didn’t want to make any assurances when it came to Tom, and knew that it would be dangerous to make any promises to Kim before the legal issues were settled.

“Well Kim, I can’t say anything about your dad for sure right now. According to the law, he’s going to have to be in jail for a while. He is taking something called a plea bargain, which means he’s going to admit what he did was wrong and not have to go through a whole trial. He told me he was seeing a doctor like me right now, and I hope he is able to figure out and take responsibility for why what he did to you was wrong,” he explained.

Looking at Kim, he could see she was troubled by this news and he tried hard to think about how he could help her. He knew she was experiencing all kinds of conflicting emotions right now, and he made up his mind to get her an appointment with a female colleague of his who specialized in sexual trauma.

“Kim, one more thing. How would you to come out to lunch with me and Stephanie this weekend?

Seeing her smile, he knew that there wag a big piece of her that was accessing an amazing kind of resilience. He thought again about Paul’s letter, and particularly the point about taking comfort in the people we love. For the first time in quite a while, he realized that he was providing this comfort to someone else. Dr. Paul would be pleased.

John picked up Stephanie in Dr. Paul’s old Cadillac, which was a strange choice of vehicles for a daily Chicago commute. Still slightly traumatized from his own recent car accident, he felt a sense of security driving around this tank of a car, and it was nice to experience the world as his old mentor had for so many years before.

Heading out to Kim’s foster home, John told Stephanie about his idea, and she seemed quite intrigued if not a little apprehensive. Earlier that day John had spoken with Don, the man who now owned his grandparent’s farm, and discussed with him the possibility of buying the farm from him. Although Don loved the farm a great deal, his wife had continued to put pressure on him to move back to the city, and Don was starting to see that he may have to go along with this to save his marriage. They had spoken for nearly an hour on the phone, and John felt a little sad for Don and the way his personal dream of living on the farm had progressed.  Timing was everything in life, and right now it didn’t seem like it was Don’s time to live in the country.

John thought about his own ability to handle such a transition, and how he had lived in the city for most of his adult life. One of the things that struck him most about this potential purchase was how nice it might be for Kim to get away from Chicago and all of the memories and associations the city held for her.

Also an urbanite, Stephanie was very interested in traveling to see the farm, and that was what John had discussed with her this morning. Both Stephanie and Kim had a spring break coming up, and he wanted to see about taking them all out there for a visit to see the farm and tour the pacific northwest where he was originally from. Although John didn’t know about the logistics of making a permanent move back out to this part of the country, he did now have the financial means to buy a farm. A part of him still wanted to reconnect with that old familiar feeling of comfort that the farm represented to him, and he was hoping the two women in his life would experience the same kind of thing.

At the pizza place, John explained the idea to Kim, and she was both excited and scared to travel on an airplane for the first time. She had never been more than 100 miles outside of Chicago, and a trip across the country would truly be the adventure of a lifetime for her.

“John what will we do when we’re out there?” Kim asked.

“Well we can do lots of things; I’d love to show you the Ocean where I used to go when I was a kid. We can also go the mountains, and to where I grew up. I thought it might be nice to get out of Chicago for a while. It’s been a long winter for all of us, and I thought we could all use a little fun. So what do you think?”

“I think it sounds too hard to believe. My whole life I’ve dreamed about traveling to the places I’ve seen in books and on TV, but I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance,” she replied.

“Would you believe it if I told you I used to feel the exact same way when I was a kid?” John asked. “One of the places I want to take you guys is my old hometown where I grew up. I used to sit by the river for hours wondering if my life was ever going to change or if I was going to be permanently trapped in this place forever. So I guess what I’m saying is, I know how you feel. My family didn’t have much money growing up, so I never got to go many places either. So now that I have the chance, I want to do things for you two guys that I didn’t always get the chance to do.”

“Well, I for one would love to see all of the places that helped make you who you are,” Stephanie said to both of them.

“Me too,” Kim said with a smile.

On the drive home they stopped for ice cream and talked about all of the things they would do when they went on their trip. Kim had never been to a zoo before, and that was high on her list. Stephanie wanted to go to the famous Pike Place market in Seattle and shop for things she could use in her art. They sat there for some time talking and laughing and planning all of the things they wanted to do. John reached into his coat pocket and felt Dr. Paul’s letter to make sure it was still there. He reminded himself to remember this night and the way it had made him feel. It was the first time since he was a child that John felt like he was part of a family.

Later that night at Stephanie’s house, John had a chance to have a more in depth conversation with her about what it was they meant to each other. They had been moving rather quickly, and they both thought it was important to have a serious conversation about their mutual expectations. The idea of moving her life across the country was a bit of a shock for Stephanie, but not one that she was unwilling to consider. She had been in Chicago for quite some time, and enjoyed the options living in a big city offered.

“I appreciate so much you keeping an open mind about this trip,” John began. “I would never ask you or Kim to move your lives across the country unless it was something that was right for all of us. I know all of our lives have become intertwined pretty quickly, but I also know, without question, how I feel about wanting you guys in my life. All of the things that have happened over these last few months seem to be part of a larger puzzle, and for me at least, the glue that holds it all together is the way I feel about you.”

“John you always know just the right thing to say, and please be patient with me if I’m a little slower to respond,” she said. “No man has ever said the things you say to me before or looked at me the way that you do, and sometimes it makes me feel things so strongly that it scares me. I feel all those same things for you, and feel like we’ve found each other at this point in our lives because this is how it was supposed to happen. Your love and admiration has filled up a part of me that has been missing my entire life, and now for the first time in my life I’m starting to feel like a whole person. Like you I’ve had a tendency to run in my life, and I want us to make a pact that when either one of is feeling like this we will talk about it and try and work it out.”

“It’s interesting you bring this up, because earlier tonight when we were all having ice cream, I reached into my pocket and felt for this,” John said as he handed her the letter he had kept from Dr. Paul. “It’s the last thing Paul ever communicated to me, and it is a reminder to do exactly what you just talked about. The thing that I want you to believe more than anything, is that I’ve tried it the other way in my life, and I just kept ending up in the same place. You and Paul and Kim have all provided me with a glimpse of what life could be like when I make decisions based on love, and it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.”

“John I don’t have doubts about how you feel, I just am a little scared about how much loving you gives you the power to hurt me. When I heard about you staying out late and hanging out with strange women when you were home, you can’t imagine how that made me feel. I know you didn’t do anything, but just the thought is scary to me and makes me retract a little just thinking about how that might have felt if you did. I know from some of my past experiences that there is a difference between love and addiction, although they can often feel very much the same.”

“Ok, fair enough. I think I understand what you’re saying, and if the situation was reversed I would feel awful thinking about you hanging out late at night with other men. The thing is, that in the beginning love is a kind of addiction. The same things happen in the brain. The falling in love is the easy part for most people, but not for me. I’ve always done it kind of halfway before and therefore not given it every bit of what I had to give. The other night when we were together I just sat and watched you sleep. Watched you for a long time actually. What occurred to me was that I still have a lot to learn about what love really is, and that in this regard you have been a wonderful teacher. Perhaps I haven’t always been the best student, and I’ll be the first one to admit that sometimes my own ego gets in the way. I do know that I will try and listen more and talk less, as we engage on this journey together.”

Upon hearing this she reached out and pulled John towards her and held him in a long embrace. She reached up and touched his face and stared into his eyes, seemingly making up her mind about something as she took him by the hand and led her towards her bedroom. They spent a wonderful night together and fell asleep in each other arms. Two people on the cusp of a new life together, resting, peaceful.

Later that week John picked up Kim and brought her over to Stephanie’s house for breakfast. He had made special arrangements with Kim’s foster family to take Stephanie on vacation. He and Stephanie were now officially registered as foster parents, although for now at least Kim was going to remain where she was. This trip would be a good barometer of how the three of them functioned together as a family.

Riding in a cab was also a new experience for Kim, and John could sense her excitement as she took a look around at everything. He thought about how overwhelming all of this must seem to her, and reminded himself to be patient with her as she navigated this major adventure. It helped that she also had such a strong rapport with Stephanie, and watching them together was a very heartwarming feeling for John. Watching Kim and really taking her in, John was getting a new feeling regarding her, and it was quite different than what he had experienced previously. It felt a lot like hope.

While they were in the air, the three of them talked and watched a movie, and both John and Stephanie took turns talking to Kim and helping her with her nervousness about flying. They had chipped in and bought her a new outfit for the day, and she was carrying herself with a kind of confidence that John had never seen from her before. He guessed that being with them she felt a sense of belonging, and seeing the affect this had on her, he was again reminded of what a powerful affect this had on people.

An hour later they touched down in Portland Oregon, where John took care of the rental car arrangements and the three of them began their journey toward Ecola State Park on the Pacific Ocean. It was one of John’s favorite places on earth, and he had loved it even more when he found out one of his favorite movies from his childhood, The Goonies, was filmed there. Much like the children in that movie, Kim was in a kind of limbo in her life, and he reminded himself to rent the film so they all could watch it later that evening.

John surprised both of the girls by literally pulling the car onto the beach and driving, which was surprisingly still okay on certain stretches of the Oregon coast. They were both delighted at this development, although John scared them on a couple off occasions by driving too close to the water. Later they stopped at a place called Mo’s which was an old favorite of John’s right on the water in the city of Cannon Beach. They spent the rest f the day sitting on the beach, throwing Frisbees, and walking out to the famous Haystack rock on the beach there. Later that night at the hotel, John popped in a DVD of The Goonies that he purchased, and they all sat and watched as John introduced Stephanie to one of Oregon’s Pinot Noir red wines. It was as nice as a day as he could remember.

The next morning they made the drive up to Seattle with the firs stop being the Pike’s Place market, which was one of the liveliest open air markets in the United States. Kim was amazed at the way they flung fish through the air there, and it was difficult to get both she and Stephanie to leave the place once they had settled in.

Later that afternoon they had lunch on top of the Space Needle, which was an amazing adventure for Kim, who was afraid of heights and at first very reluctant to get into the elevator. Looking out at the water and mountains in the distance was a spectacular feeling, and John reminded himself to take some pictures and document the experience.

That evening in the hotel, John had noticed that Kim seemed especially quiet, and he could feel that she seemed to be upset about something. He knew this must all be a bit overwhelming, and wanted to check in with her about how she was understanding all this.

“Kim you seem a little quiet tonight, is there anything you want to talk about,” John asked.

“Well, this whole trip has been so much fun, I guess I’m just thinking of how much I don’t want it to end. My whole life I’ve dreamed of doing things like we did today, but on the other hand I feel like I am not supposed to be here, like everyone is going to find me out anytime,” was her reply.

John took a long look at her and was amazed at the level of insight she seemed to be developing. Was he rubbing off on her? This was a thought that had plagued him his entire life. The imposter syndrome. The feeling that one doesn’t belong somewhere and that the facade they have created could crumble at any time. It was something John had always battled with.

“Kim would it surprise you to know that I feel this way too sometimes? My whole life I’ve watched people on vacations and wondered if they were getting something that I didn’t. I just never felt that I belonged the same way that everyone else did. Until now that is. Being with you and Stephanie has made me feel that way for the first time.”

“Really? We did that for you? You seem like you have it all together to me. You are a rich doctor, have a hot girlfriend, and are even on TV sometimes. It’s hard for me to believe that someone like you could feel this way.”

“Well Kim, I’ll tell you. I’ve seen hundreds of people in therapy, from the very rich, to famous people, to people who didn’t even have a place to sleep at night. And you know what? Every one of them has felt exactly like you and I did at one point in their lives. It’s part of being human I think. What I do know is that in this time, in this place, I think we are all lucky to have each other, and it’s something that has changed my life. So when you are feeling like you don’t belong somewhere, please try and remember that I care about you and your happiness more than anything else in the world. I hope that gives you some kind of comfort, because it certainly does for me knowing you are a part of my life.”

The next morning they began the drive towards his old family farm. He had made arrangements with the owner Don to see the farm again, and he had made reservations at a bed and breakfast in the area for all of them to stay at.

Driving across Washington State in the springtime was an amazing example of a world in renewal. Seeing the Cascade mountains and long sprawling valleys took John back to another time in his life, where a trip in the car like this meant a break from his life and a taste of the adventure he craved so much growing up.

There first stop was in the town of Roselyn Washington, where one of John’s favorite TV shows growing up called Northern Exposure was filmed. In the series the center of the town was a tavern called The Brick, where everyone would congregate to eat and drink, and this was in fact a real business in the city where they stopped to have their lunch.

John thought about what an adventure this must be for Kim, and remembered what it was like when he was a kid and he encountered new and exotic places for the first time. He could still remember the sights and the smells of the early adventures of his life, and perhaps because he had so few of them in his early years, he had spent his adult life chasing this feeling. He wondered if this would be the same for Kim. Would she develop a tasted for travel and adventure as he had? He hoped he could encourage her in this direction, while also making at least some case for the importance of stability. It was a lesson he was still learning himself.

Later that afternoon they stopped at Snoqualmie Pass and watched the waterfalls and did a small hike in the mountains to get some exercise and take some pictures. He was purposely taking his time on the drive across the state, as he had a strong feeling that there was something on the farm he was supposed to find out, and it was a heavy feeling that also felt like a kind of burden. Had this been a solo trip he would have likely stopped for a beer to escape this feeling, but today this seemed a bit unwise. It was not a good coping strategy when you had people who were depending on you.

Winding down past Mt. Ranier and into the Yakima Valley, John was again struck by this heavy feeling, and he wanted to figure out what it was the universe was trying to tell him. He realized he was struggling with something that he had dealt with his entire life regarding his understanding of the differences between freedom and responsibility, and it was something that he needed to reconcile. Could those two things coexist in his life without feeling like a kind of tension of the opposites? He wasn’t sure, but also knew that it was an important puzzle for him to figure out, as he no longer had Dr. Paul to help him do this. He had some thinking to do.

John found himself thinking about his recurring dream about the farm, and all of the possible interpretations as to why this particular setting continued to invade his subconscious. Years back when he was a student of Dr. Paul’s, they had done some dream interpretation, and he had suggested to John that the dream was indicative of what life could be. Now John was contemplating actually stepping into his own dream and finding out what life could be, and the whole thing had an eerie synchronicity that was both comforting as well as haunting.

That evening they got settled into the bed and breakfast, and then took a little drive around the city to see the schools and check out some of the town. He took them over to the neighboring town of Grandview Washington, where he himself had spent the first 5 years of his life, and seeing his old house was a powerful jolt to his memory as to how much he actually internalized from these years that had stayed with him.

As they walked the same streets John had walked as a small child, he once again found himself thinking about the idea of eternal recurrence. What if he was living the same life over and over again, and i this was happening to him, what lessons had he learned each time? How had he improved?

He thought about this in terms of parenting as well as how it may affect his relationship with Kim. His own parents had felt the strain of small-town living, and had gotten divorced a few short years after. Was he destined to repeat this pattern? Would his own intolerance for boredom cause him to push the people he loved away from him? He knew these were important questions to answer, and that it was something he would have to seriously confront if he was really thinking of moving back here. Was he trying to recreate his own parent’s word and do it right this time? It was a relevant interpretation of the situation. Freud called this the repetition compulsion, where people keep putting themselves in the same situations over and over again while expecting a different outcome. What steps could he take to actually change his outcome?

John realized he was in effect performing therapy on himself, using Dr. Paul’s lessons as a kind of second portion of the therapeutic conversation. He felt once again for the letter in his pocket, and remembered the point about responsibility and happiness. All of life came down to choices. Regardless of our personal baggage the moment to moment choices were the things that defined our lives, and John reminded himself to be careful about his own.  A lot was at stake.

The next morning they all headed out to the farm to look around. Kim had never been out to the country before, and seeing all of the animals was an exciting thing for her. Later that evening they had scheduled a horseback ride, and Stephanie in particular was excited about this as she had ridden horses growing up, and had for a long time wanted to do this again.

Arriving at the farm, Don introduced his wife Sarah and his children Jack and Katie to everyone, and they all got to know each other better over lunch, as he and John took a walk to discuss the particulars of a possible sale.

“So I have to say I was a little surprised that you called,” Don said with curiosity. “I could tell this place had some kind of hold on you though, so I guess I’m actually more intrigued than surprised. My question I guess is, why now? Not that it’s any of my business, but it just seemed kind of sudden.”

Why now? How many times had John asked that question of someone in therapy? It was perhaps the most important questions at the beginning of therapy, and John knew the question was a powerful one. He thought about an old quote from Hillel that went back thousands of years. “if not me, then who? If not now, then when? They were questions people had to answer if they were going to take responsibility for changing their lives, and John was trying very hard to answer them for himself.

“Well Don, a couple of reasons actually,” John explained. “For one the man who I was closer to than anyone else in the world, the man who was essentially a father to me, passed away. He left me some of his money, but he also left me a lot more than that. He left me some instructions on how I should live the rest of this little time I have left, and I want to do my best to honor those instructions. My whole life I have somehow felt like this farm was part of my destiny. I know that may sound crazy to you, but my feelings about these things are never wrong.”

“It doesn’t sound crazy at all,” Don replied. “I felt the same thing the first time I saw this place, but like I told you on the phone, it just doesn’t seem to be my time to live here. My wife is a city person and she’s going a little crazy out here, and it’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to choose between the farm and my marriage. This decision is not as easy as you might think. I’ve loved this place and I’ve loved living here, and a part of me thinks I could be happy here living by myself forever. Then I think about my wife and my kids and what would make them happy, and I realize that what I want doesn’t come first right now.”

“You know Don, I have the same kind of feelings sometimes,” John responded. “I wonder if the world would just be easier if I could be alone and write and do what I wanted to do without the world getting in the way. As a matter of fact I’ve kind of been living like that for the last 10 years. It hasn’t worked for me. I guess I’m starting to understand the difference between short-term pleasure and the long-term version, and decided that maybe the second choice is better. That’s what I’m working on anyway, and I have no idea yet if I’m right or wrong.”

“The grass is always greener I think,” Don said in return. “When we lived in LA the kids loved the idea of living on a farm, and my wife was going to paint, take care of the animals, and all the rest of it. When we got out here they’ve all been bored. I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this since you’re thinking of buying the place, but something tells me you understand.”

“I think I know what you mean Don, “John said. “People often make the mistake of thinking a change of location is going to solve things, and then they wake up and find that they’re still the same person with all of the same inner turmoil. I also know however that this place holds a kind of peace for me that I’ve never been able to replicate, and that is tied to something I’m supposed to find out about my life. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this considering I’m trying to buy the place, but it’s just something that I know. The city has been very good to me in many ways, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever leave it completely, but this is more than just a place to me. It represents an idea of home that I can’t even properly explain to you. The funny thing is it wasn’t my home, but I know when I did come here I never wanted to leave. There’s an old saying I love; it is a fool who fails to return to the place of his last happiness. I guess that in a sense explains  how I feel about this place.”

“Well John, I truly hope I find a place like that myself someday. Something tells me that if we do move away from here, in 6 months everyone will be telling stories about the farm and how much they loved it here. I think some of that might just be the way people are designed. We appreciate things a whole lot more when they’re in the rear view mirror, and the hard part about this for me is I can already see it. When we were in Los Angeles everyone couldn’t wait to move out here, and I suspect the reverse will be true as well. Maybe we can agree to sell this place back to each other every 10 years. That might solve all of our problems,” Don said as he laughed.

“Man Don, you have a lot of wisdom about people, and I know what you mean about the grass being greener,” John continued. “I’ve come to understand something about myself lately regarding this subject, and it has been a kind of guiding light for me. I’ve always taken this grass is always greener approach to people, and I consequently have pushed people away from me my entire life. I’ve just now started to understand the magnitude of this. I can tell you I’ve seen hundreds of people in therapy and really, people aren’t all that different. At our cores, all of us want to be loved and respected, but we seem to find a thousand ways to make that hard for people. We sometimes think that if people really knew the real person they wouldn’t give us these things anymore. That’s been the appeal for me to start with new people all the time. When you start over you get to hide all those darker parts of yourself from others for a while, but I can tell you Don, this gets exhausting. Sorry to preach to you like this, but it is a long-winded way of saying that this was the only place I never felt that urge to run from. It was a place where I felt completely understood, and that is something I think everyone should feel at least once in their lives.”

“Well John I can see this place brings something out in you, and like I say, my wife really wants it,” was Don’s response. “It would actually make me really happy to know that the person who buys it was going to be happy here, and I can’t think of anyone better than you for the job. We can discuss the specifics with the business folks, but as far as I’m concerned, if you want to buy the place then you have a deal,” he said as extended his hand as John shook it.

“One thing though,” Don said with a smile.

“Yeah?”

“You have to promise I can come and visit if I start to lose my mind in the city.” And with that Don began walking back to the house to tell his wife what he was sure would make her happy. John however had one more thing left to do.

John stood at the back of the barn, standing with one foot in front of the other. Although it had been more than 20 years since he had done this, he remembered the procedure like it was yesterday. Exactly 30 steps one foot after other, close to the old fence post. Although his feet had gotten a little larger since those days, the whole routine came back to him like he was a kid again.

What John was looking for was something he had done when he was 13. It was a time capsule he had buried on the advice of his grandmother, and, although he didn’t remember exactly what was in there, he did remember writing a letter to himself, and now he wanted to see exactly what this letter said, if of course it had actually survived.

Near the old fence post John started to dig, and at first he was little discouraged by his findings. He took one full step backwards to account for his larger feet, and started to dig again. After 15 minutes or so he saw the sturdy silver lunchbox-type container, and took it out. It was still here after all these years.

The first thing he grabbed was an old copy of the book Amazing Stories he has loved as a kid. He turned to a story he had bookmarked called Gather ye Acorns. It was about a little boy who is visited by a troll and told that the world needed more dreamers. The little boy takes this advice, and breaks his parent’s hearts by becoming a comic book collector as opposed to a doctor. It takes nearly 40 years, but in the end the little boy’s dreams do in fact come true. It was a wonderful story for John to sit and read at this point in his life.

He found some other things including a yo-yo and a harmonica, as well as a packet of baseball cards from all of the Chicago Cubs. This was interesting to him, as he thought back to watching all of those old games on WGN growing up, which was one of the only stations a kid from the northwest could actually watch a baseball game. As a result of this odd programming quirk, thousands of kids from this part of the world grew up to become Cubs fans. John had done more than that, as the city had put a stamp on his life that was truly hard to quantify. He marveled at the synchronicity of this.

At the bottom of the pail was an envelope that said “dear old John,” and he let out a hearty laugh of approval as he tore it open. Was he officially “old John” now? In some ways he thought so, but in others he still felt very much like a 13 year-old kid. Opening the letter, he began to read,

Dear old John,

If you are reading this now, you are still alive. That is good. I’m very curious as to what you finally became. Are you a baseball player now? If so you are rich and probably should not be standing here.

I guess it doesn’t do any good to ask questions because you can’t answer them back for me, so instead, I will give you some advice. As you know, your parents got divorced. I hope if you get married you don’t do this. It is hard for a kid to have to go to all those school things without a dad, and I hope when you get married you will remember this and try real hard to make things work. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but I want you to remember that you felt like this. Maybe it will help you to be nicer to your own wife and kids.

Also, be nice to your mom. Remember that she raised you all by herself, and had to give up a lot of stuff to try and do this. Sometimes she even works three jobs so we can all have enough money. I hope you didn’t forget about this and are still nice to her.

Finally, if you are here and you are reading this, it must mean you found your way back to the farm. How did you do this? Do grandma and grandpa still live here? Are they still alive? I hope so on both counts, as I really love it here. It’s the only place I feel like life kind of just stops and we all get to just be together as a family and have fun. Maybe if you’ve made some money you can even buy this place someday. I don’t think you will regret it.

Most of all I hope you’re happy now. Sometimes I get depressed now, and I hope you have grown out of this. Sometimes I like to be by myself, and that makes me happy, but mostly I think you need to find a way to be happy with other people. When you run away from them you’re really just punishing yourself. Try and remember this!!

Well by for now. Really hope you read this!!

Young John

John held the letter in his hand and as he did felt for the letter in his pocket from Dr. Paul. Once again he felt like he was living in a kind of eternal recurrence. He was truly startled to think about how eerily he had anticipated some of his own future issues as a 13-year old boy, and also how good his advice to his future self really was.

He found himself thinking about what he would write to his future self if he was going to read a letter 25 years from now. Would he have the same fears? The same doubts? The same good advice to offer? He realized he had reached a time in his life when he had to stop giving and receiving advice, and to just start living. He was going to fail at things, life had certainly taught him that, and other people were certainly going to fail him. It was what he did after that that was going to determine if he was going to be happy or not. His life was halfway over, and it felt a little like he was in a snow globe that someone had been shaking furiously for decades. Now it was time to let the snow settle and start living.

He took the letter and put it in his pocket next to the one from Dr. Paul. Reminders from his past and instructions for his future were contained in both letters, and he knew they would both come in handy when he invariably stumbled. He felt like he was standing directly in the middle of his past and his future, which was the best place he could possibly think of being. Everything he had done was prelude to this moment right now. He felt a great deal of gratitude.

He wanted to go in and talk to his two girls, and tell  them about all of the things he had learned, but also wanted to savor the moment for a little longer. It was early evening and the sun had begun to set over the horizon, and he sat and took it all in as the sun went down over a beautiful red sky far in the distance. He was reminded of one of his favorite quotes as he did from the movie, A River Runs Though It, that “life is not a work of art, and that the moment could not last.” Although this line spoke to a kind of nostalgia about lost time, John found it strangely fitting as well as humbling. He wanted to create and share moments with the people he loved, and now that he had actually found two of these people, he wanted to get started as soon as possible. It occurred to him that he could now come back to this spot and watch this gorgeous scene over and over again.

John slowly turned to walk back towards the house, and as he did, saw that Stephanie and Kim were already outside, watching their own version of the sunset from a little further down the road. He started to walk towards them, and felt the urge to run. He was hoping he could explain everything he had been thinking about over these last couple of hours, but reminded himself to slow down and let them enjoy their own version of the sunset. They had all the time in the world. They were buying a farm.