John left Dr. Paul’s office with a smile. He remembered another old shrink telling him that you haven’t done your job if your client doesn’t walk away at least a little pissed off at you, and John was definitely a little pissed at Dr. Paul. Still, his questions had some merit. What did John love?
He thought back to something he had read from Irv Yalom, one of his favorite authors on the subject of psychology and in particular the patient-therapist relationship. Yalom suggested that a therapist had to find something to love about all of his clients, and that without this love therapy was ineffective. It was a radical position in many ways, and ran contrary to the work of many prominent therapists, including the highly influential Albert Ellis, who suggested that how a therapist felt about his patients was mostly irrelevant.
John thought back to his first years as a therapist. He had gotten highly involved in every case he took on, and it was Dr. Paul who eventually noticed this and advised him about learning to keep some boundaries to avoid a massive and exhausting flame out. He had cut his caseload back at the time, but still found himself getting highly involved with people, as was the case with Kim right now.
He returned again to the subject of love. He did love most of his patients, in a sense the way he imagined a parent loved a child. He hurt when they hurt, celebrated their small accomplishments with great joy, and encouraged them every step of the way. Still, another part of him found this painful and exhausting, much like he knew many parents did. He had perhaps turned to writing as a response to that pain, and slowly the characters in his books became these children, without all of the real-life consequences and emotional investment.
Why did John keep finding ways to avoid this emotional investment? That was the important question. He knew that fear was a central theme in almost everyone’s life, and he was certainly no exception to this. Was he avoiding hurt? Heartbreak? Loss? He knew there was no more futile exercise. These things waited for us in our lives regardless of how we tried to run from them. He scolded himself mentally for thinking in generalities. What was he avoiding and what were the fears behind this? He was hearing Dr. Paul’s voice in his head, and chuckled lightly to himself. He was officially back in therapy. Hearing your therapist’s voice in your head is a sure sign.
He felt like he was on to something relevant here, and figuring out how love and pain intersected in his life seemed important. Did he avoid relationships because of the attending pain? That was an easy one, he knew he did, rationalizing that he was just as comfortable alone. He was more comfortable, but that hardly seemed to be the point of this short journey we have here on earth. Love and pain, love and pain, he couldn’t get this phrase out of his head, and knew that he could explore this question further in his own life he could begin to unlock some answers. He returned to one of his greatest inspirations, Joseph Campbell to help him further clarify his thoughts on the subject.