On the way home John thought a lot about the idea of family, and how our experiences with our families cast such a monstrous shadow over everything else we do. He knew because of some of his own family experiences he had always been hesitant about starting his own family, but now was rethinking this idea. People can learn and people can change. He had preached this as a therapist for years, but was just now starting to see how these things might truly happen in his own life.
Kim seemed upset to have to say goodbye to them, and when they dropped her off he again considered the ethical implications of this approach. She was getting very attached to both of them, and sudden disruptions and abrupt changes could have a very negative affect on her life right now. He reminded himself that less then a week ago Stephanie went on a 3 day drinking binge, and that he was also not always a model of responsible behavior. It seemed like something they should talk about, but for now he was very much trying to trust and enjoy such a wonderful feeling. Still, for him, everything changed when a kid’s welfare entered into it.
As they rode home, John reached over and put his arm around Stephanie’s shoulder. Watching how sensitive and kind she was with Kim endeared her to him even more, and even stealing little touches from her brought him a great deal of happiness. She looked over at him and smiled, and once again seemed to read his mind.
“John, I hope you’re not getting annoyed, but I can tell what you’re thinking,” she continued. ‘You’re wondering if two people like us should be getting so involved in a little girl’s life when we can barely manage our own without falling down half the time. It’s a fair question and I’m thinking about it too. This all feels so right to me, and traditionally when I’ve felt like this I look over my shoulder to see when the other shoe is going to drop. I don’t mean to be presumptions, but being with you now feels like something I’ve been preparing for my whole life. Like I’ve made the same mistakes, fallen back into all the familiar holes enough times that I finally get a chance to learn from these mistakes and be happy now.”
“You’re not presumptuous, and I feel exactly the same way. At first I thought of it like maybe we were saving each other, but the more I think about it the more I think that isn’t right. All of those mistakes, all of those dumb things we’ve done, all of that time spent wandering alone in the dark. It brought us here. Both of here, together. That’s probably why it feels so comfortable between us. We’ve made so many of the same mistakes and felt so lost for so long that it would be virtually impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I feel understood, truly understood by someone for the first time, maybe ever. So I don’t think we’re saving each other, but that we’ve found each other so we can take all of these mistakes we’ve made and make something amazing out of the experience together,” John said passionately.
“Man you have a silver tongue buddy,’”she said with a smile. “How much do you remember about the first time we met? Do you remember any of the things you said? Because just so you know it was a speech like that, that made me decide to go home with you.”
“Uh I’d have to plead the fifth on that one, but my guess is I sensed it in you even then,” John explained. “Even that first morning I woke up with you I knew something in my world was about to change. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but in retrospect I’m pretty goddamn glad I was so slick.”
“You were more than slick John. You were totally honest and sensitive and kind, and I was knocked out by talking to you for a couple of hours. So much so that I was ready to sleep with you that first night. Then you passed out on me,” she explained. “But I knew something too John. I really did.”
“Well I’m glad,” John responded. “That whole first day after you left I had this song stuck in my head all day. It was an old Billy Joel song called The Longest Time. My whole life I’ve loved that song. It’s about a guy who has waited forever to feel something powerful for another person. Even as a kid I used to listen to the song and wonder if it was ever gonna happen to me. It never did, I never got to experience what he was talking about in that song. Until now that is.”
She pulled the car over to the side of the road, and then softy began to cry. Unbuckling her seat belt she reached over and pulled John into her arms and they kissed. They sat like that for some time as it slowly began to rain.