Chapter 37

Arriving at the church, John saw that hundreds of people were already there, and he was comforted by the fact that Paul had touched so many lives. He knew among this crowd were dozens of former patients, students, colleagues and other people who had been touched in some way by knowing Paul, and he for a moment took stock of what a powerful impact his life had had on the world.

When it came time for him to speak, John opened with a few jokes to lighten the mood. It was what he knew, and anyone that had actually known Dr. Paul had almost certainly shared a laugh with him. It was the kind of man he was. John continued;

“In all seriousness, there are hundreds of people here today because this wonderful man in some way touched our lives. Looking out over this crowd we get a small measure of this man’s life. A very small measure, because each person that interacted with Dr. Paul as a friend a patient or a colleague walked away from this interaction with their lives changed in some profound way. The true measure of his influence is I suspect not demonstrated by those of us who sit here, but by the lives we have in some way changed because of our interactions with Dr. Paul.

I first walked into Paul’s office as a young, arrogant, know-it all with a lot of opinions about how psychotherapy should be conducted. Boy did I learn to shut up in a hurry. Part of Paul’s affection was of the tough love variety, and he was more adept at cutting through false bravado than ay therapist I have ever known. One of the greatest gifts I learned from him was humility. Not learned exactly, but absorbed. Many of Paul’s gifts were given simply by being in his presence and observing how he conducted himself. Confident yet humble, stern but self-deprecating, and brutally honest and fiercely compassionate. These were some of the shades of Dr. Paul that I knew, and if I through the process of osmosis retained even a small amount of what he had to give, I am eternally thankful.

Paul and I spoke often at the end of his life, and one theme that came up again and again was love. Although therapeutic paradigms came and went through his career, he never deviated from the idea that therapy was about love, and he truly loved what he did more than anyone I have ever known. Beyond career choice though, Paul believed that finding loved in life, including love for our patients, love for our jobs, love for our partners, and perhaps most importantly love for ourselves, was paramount to finding meaning in this fleeting and imperfect life. To share something very personal with you, I ignored Dr. Paul’s advice on this subject for nearly a decade, but finally, after years of kicking and screaming, I understood what he was trying to say to me and took this leap of faith. It takes an incredibly patient man to wait ten years for a seed we plant to grow, but that’s the kind of man Paul was. I hope I can honor his patience and faith in me accordingly as I move forward with my own imperfect life.

I’d like to close with a quote from Colleen McCullough that some may find an unusual choice for a eulogy, but I think it speaks to many of the struggles Dr. Paul encountered as he made his way through this life, John continued. “There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself on upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain …Or so says the legend.

To me this describes the Paul I knew so well, and to the struggles he underwent as he gave every ounce of his empathy and love to others day after day and year after year. He gave so much to others it quite literally pained him at times, and the degree of his empathy was such, that for him the work he chose never really ended. He was simply born with an extraordinary gift of empathy that made him feel things very deeply. Not just good things, but love and hate and sorrow and grief and despair and the whole spectrum of human emotions on a daily basis. As the quote I read so eloquently expressed, the best is only bought at the cost of great pain. Dr. Paul’s pain was also his greatest gift, and we were blessed to have benefited so greatly from his daily struggle with that pain.

Personally I have thought a lot about how I can take everything Paul gave to me and pay it forward. How best to honor a man who influenced me so much and helped make me the man I am trying to become today. Albert Einstein said, our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. So I know that in my work, and in my life, and in the way I love, Paul’s voice will always be one I will hear. That’s the way it’s always been since I was that cocky kid that first walked into his office actually. The only thing different is his physical body has declined. His lessons, his spirit, kindness, courage and love haven’t gone anywhere, and perhaps they’ve even gotten stronger. Thank you for coming out to celebrate the life of this extraordinary friend, mentor, father, and teacher.