The next morning they all headed out to the farm to look around. Kim had never been out to the country before, and seeing all of the animals was an exciting thing for her. Later that evening they had scheduled a horseback ride, and Stephanie in particular was excited about this as she had ridden horses growing up, and had for a long time wanted to do this again.
Arriving at the farm, Don introduced his wife Sarah and his children Jack and Katie to everyone, and they all got to know each other better over lunch, as he and John took a walk to discuss the particulars of a possible sale.
“So I have to say I was a little surprised that you called,” Don said with curiosity. “I could tell this place had some kind of hold on you though, so I guess I’m actually more intrigued than surprised. My question I guess is, why now? Not that it’s any of my business, but it just seemed kind of sudden.”
Why now? How many times had John asked that question of someone in therapy? It was perhaps the most important questions at the beginning of therapy, and John knew the question was a powerful one. He thought about an old quote from Hillel that went back thousands of years. “if not me, then who? If not now, then when? They were questions people had to answer if they were going to take responsibility for changing their lives, and John was trying very hard to answer them for himself.
“Well Don, a couple of reasons actually,” John explained. “For one the man who I was closer to than anyone else in the world, the man who was essentially a father to me, passed away. He left me some of his money, but he also left me a lot more than that. He left me some instructions on how I should live the rest of this little time I have left, and I want to do my best to honor those instructions. My whole life I have somehow felt like this farm was part of my destiny. I know that may sound crazy to you, but my feelings about these things are never wrong.”
“It doesn’t sound crazy at all,” Don replied. “I felt the same thing the first time I saw this place, but like I told you on the phone, it just doesn’t seem to be my time to live here. My wife is a city person and she’s going a little crazy out here, and it’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to choose between the farm and my marriage. This decision is not as easy as you might think. I’ve loved this place and I’ve loved living here, and a part of me thinks I could be happy here living by myself forever. Then I think about my wife and my kids and what would make them happy, and I realize that what I want doesn’t come first right now.”
“You know Don, I have the same kind of feelings sometimes,” John responded. “I wonder if the world would just be easier if I could be alone and write and do what I wanted to do without the world getting in the way. As a matter of fact I’ve kind of been living like that for the last 10 years. It hasn’t worked for me. I guess I’m starting to understand the difference between short-term pleasure and the long-term version, and decided that maybe the second choice is better. That’s what I’m working on anyway, and I have no idea yet if I’m right or wrong.”
“The grass is always greener I think,” Don said in return. “When we lived in LA the kids loved the idea of living on a farm, and my wife was going to paint, take care of the animals, and all the rest of it. When we got out here they’ve all been bored. I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this since you’re thinking of buying the place, but something tells me you understand.”
“I think I know what you mean Don, “John said. “People often make the mistake of thinking a change of location is going to solve things, and then they wake up and find that they’re still the same person with all of the same inner turmoil. I also know however that this place holds a kind of peace for me that I’ve never been able to replicate, and that is tied to something I’m supposed to find out about my life. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this considering I’m trying to buy the place, but it’s just something that I know. The city has been very good to me in many ways, and I’m not even sure I’ll ever leave it completely, but this is more than just a place to me. It represents an idea of home that I can’t even properly explain to you. The funny thing is it wasn’t my home, but I know when I did come here I never wanted to leave. There’s an old saying I love; it is a fool who fails to return to the place of his last happiness. I guess that in a sense explains how I feel about this place.”
“Well John, I truly hope I find a place like that myself someday. Something tells me that if we do move away from here, in 6 months everyone will be telling stories about the farm and how much they loved it here. I think some of that might just be the way people are designed. We appreciate things a whole lot more when they’re in the rear view mirror, and the hard part about this for me is I can already see it. When we were in Los Angeles everyone couldn’t wait to move out here, and I suspect the reverse will be true as well. Maybe we can agree to sell this place back to each other every 10 years. That might solve all of our problems,” Don said as he laughed.
“Man Don, you have a lot of wisdom about people, and I know what you mean about the grass being greener,” John continued. “I’ve come to understand something about myself lately regarding this subject, and it has been a kind of guiding light for me. I’ve always taken this grass is always greener approach to people, and I consequently have pushed people away from me my entire life. I’ve just now started to understand the magnitude of this. I can tell you I’ve seen hundreds of people in therapy and really, people aren’t all that different. At our cores, all of us want to be loved and respected, but we seem to find a thousand ways to make that hard for people. We sometimes think that if people really knew the real person they wouldn’t give us these things anymore. That’s been the appeal for me to start with new people all the time. When you start over you get to hide all those darker parts of yourself from others for a while, but I can tell you Don, this gets exhausting. Sorry to preach to you like this, but it is a long-winded way of saying that this was the only place I never felt that urge to run from. It was a place where I felt completely understood, and that is something I think everyone should feel at least once in their lives.”
“Well John I can see this place brings something out in you, and like I say, my wife really wants it,” was Don’s response. “It would actually make me really happy to know that the person who buys it was going to be happy here, and I can’t think of anyone better than you for the job. We can discuss the specifics with the business folks, but as far as I’m concerned, if you want to buy the place then you have a deal,” he said as extended his hand as John shook it.
“One thing though,” Don said with a smile.
“Yeah?”
“You have to promise I can come and visit if I start to lose my mind in the city.” And with that Don began walking back to the house to tell his wife what he was sure would make her happy. John however had one more thing left to do.