“You and I have a special talent,and I saw it immediately. We’re the substitute people. I’ve been the substitute person my whole life.

Claire from the movie Elizabethtown

In reviewing the movie Angus, Roger Ebert remarked that if you watch movies long enough, eventually you’ll see your life up on the screen. I’ve had a few movies that did that for me. Some silly like Old School, and some that hit close to home such as Sideways. But this exchange from the movie Elizabethtown truly hit me like a ton of Bricks. This was it. This captured a feeling I’ve had my whole life. I was a substitute person. A second choice. Someone people “settled” for. » Read the rest of this entry «

“Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”

Ever known a beautiful woman who had no idea she was beautiful? If so you know a woman like Anna. When she walked into my office for the first time she was biting her nails and shuffling her feet back and forth, but clearly behind the nervous façade there was a truly beautiful woman. Still, as a therapist it wasn’t my job to worry about what she looked like, and I asked her to sit down so we could se what it is she wanted to accomplish. » Read the rest of this entry «

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

Marianne Williamson

David was a prisoner. That was the way he described himself anyway. A neatly-dressed Black man in his 30’s, he was new to therapy and was admittedly a little uncomfortable about the process. He described himself as a prisoner of his own weight, and how it had kept him from being happy for as long as he could remember. » Read the rest of this entry «

“Real courage is risking something that you have to keep on living with, real courage is risking something that might force you to rethink your thoughts and suffer change and stretch consciousness. Real courage is risking one’s cliches.”
Tom Robbins

I include both of these stories to demonstrate how closely our own issues can overlap with the people that come into therapy. I know that I am effective sometimes because I have stumbled into a lot of the same dark rooms as my clients and fallen down a lot of the same stairs. » Read the rest of this entry «

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us.  Either we don’t know what part of ourselves to give or, more often that not, the part we have to give is not wanted.  And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us.  But we can still love them-we can love completely without complete understanding.”

A River Runs Through It

Got word from my sister today that her best friend, who was also a friend of mine, had died. She had just turned 40. When you hear news like this a million questions go through your mind. How did it happen? What happened? Was it an accident? Suicide? We want some explanation as to how this happens because it doesn’t make sense to us. Young people aren’t supposed to die, and when they do, we also for a second consider our own mortality. » Read the rest of this entry «

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean-favoured and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good Morning!” and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich, yes, richer than a king,
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine — we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked and waited for the light,
And went without the meat and cursed the bread,
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet in his head.

Edwin Arlington Robinson » Read the rest of this entry «

The Mythical Joneses

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself.

- Mary Schmich

There is an interesting history behind the idea of keeping up with the Joneses here in America. As the industrial revolution progressed, and people began moving from farms into cities, everyone began living a lot closer together. With this newfound closeness also came a little more nosiness. Now people were more and more interested in what their neighbors did with their money, and soon this arrangement increased competition. » Read the rest of this entry «

Where the Sidewalk Ends
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.
Shel Silverstein » Read the rest of this entry «

Eleanor Rigby
Picks up the rich in the church
Where her wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window
Wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

John Lennon & Paul McCartney

Perhaps more than any case I’ve ever had, Sarah made me truly examine what it is I hoped to accomplish by being a therapist, and what this title really means. I met her during a period of my life when I had just come out a difficult relationship, and was in one of those interpersonal vortexes where I just couldn’t seem to connect with another person. This became particularly clear to me on a drive back to Chicago on a long, rainy night, where there was not another car in site for miles. I turned on the radio and heard, » Read the rest of this entry «

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.

Nathaniel Hawthorne

In one of my previous books, The Tragic Clowns, I wrote about one of my favorite comedians, Chris Farley. Some my find it odd that a person so well known and famous could be a substitute person, but in Chris’ case this pattern was actually quite pervasive. It’s an important point, as many of us make the assumption that the rich and famous have lives that are free from everyday feelings of doubt and insecurity. We assign qualities to others based on actions we see in movies and television. One of my clients was amazed for instance that a man like Owen Wilson could attempt suicide. My research into the inner worlds of several comedians, including Chris Farley’s, led me to believe that a substitute pattern is often at the very core of what drives many of our most well known comedians.

» Read the rest of this entry «

Make Them Stop, make them stop!!!

Celine’ Journey to the end of the night

I’m dancing as fast as I can

Barbara Jordan

Sonia was a 45-year old woman who had a couple of tapes that wouldn’t stop playing in her head. That’s what she came in discussing anyway, and she wanted to know if I could hypnotize her and make these tapes stop playing.

» Read the rest of this entry «

I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas

Everclear- I will buy you a new life

King Moonraiser: Come closer. What do you desire?
Rudolph: Well, we’re a couple of misfits from Christmastown, and we’d like to live here.
King Moonraiser: No. That would not be possible. This island is for toys alone.
Yukon Cornelius: How do you like that? Even among misfits you’re a misfit.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

The Island of misfit toys.

Nearly every person I have ever spoken to in therapy has strong feelings about Christmas. There really is nothing like the holidays to reopen old wounds, stir up feelings of jealousy, resentment, loss, and sometimes even joy. This sounds cynical, I know, but it is also something I’m sure most therapists can confirm.

» Read the rest of this entry «

Growing old is not all sweetness and light. Old women especially are invisible.

Ruth Rendell

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me.

Jenny Joseph

Men die before women do. That’s a fact. As someone who has worked in a couple of nursing homes it is also something I’ve observed firsthand, as the ratio of women to men in these places is often about five to one. I’ve also worked with a number of widows as a therapist, and was particularly struck by a woman named Susan, who became a widow at the age of 53 and came in complaining that she was invisible. » Read the rest of this entry «

We Bokonists believe that humanity is organized into teams, teams that do God’s Will without ever discovering what they are doing. Such a team is called a karass by Bokonon “If you find your life tangled up with somebody else’s life for no very logical reasons,” writes Bokonon, “that person may be a member of your karass.”

Kurt Vonnegut Cat’s Cradle

Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.

The Catcher in the Rye

» Read the rest of this entry «

John had a switch when he was drinking, and most of the time he knew right where it was. Five drinks. If he got to five the feel good chemicals took over and John began to howl at the moon. Tonight the switch was thrown, and at 2 in the morning he was downtown in a very busy bar. The John that was out at two in the morning was only a remnant of the therapist he was the majority of his life, and tonight this was especially true. His last stop of the night was at a dingy little jazz place in the city where he thought he could wind down with some cool music and put this day into the books. He was wrong.

Waking up the next day he reached over with a sense of pending doom. He saw a dark mane of hair peaking out from under his blanket and felt a great rush of disappointment rise up inside of him. He had been raised Catholic, and sex always came with a hint of shame attached to it. There was more to this feeling though he was sure. He felt something very sharp hit his side, and winced at the realization of the chain of events he was sure he had just put in motion.

He looked up and noticed it was already 11 O’clock. He sat up and tried to figure out his next move. He looked at the snoring unclothed woman laying there and wondered what she needed. He wasn’t a believer that people could have casual, meaningless sex, as he had seen way too much evidence to the contrary. Maybe she was just lonely and needed to feel close to someone. He certainly felt like that sometimes, and reasoned that as long as they were both consenting adults that perhaps this wasn’t that big of a thing to feel so guilty about it. These thoughts were interrupted however by a loud banging on the door. Thinking it was his nosy landlady he slowly ambled over to the door to see what the commotion was all about. He wasn’t remotely prepared for what was at the door. It was Stephanie, holding a carton with coffee and bagels and looking even better then he remembered. Damn.

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, wow, it’s kind of amazing to see you,” was John’s reply.

“Uh yea, you too buddy, that’s why I asked to come in, I’ve been thinking about you.”

Before John could respond to this, he heard a noise in the background, and he felt a familiar feeling of dread rise up inside of him. Soon his worst fears were confirmed, when his houseguest appeared behind him scrambling around looking for her clothes.

“Hey guys,” she said shyly, “sorry to interrupt, but I have to get to work today.”

Stephanie took a long look at John and slowly turned to walk away.

“Wait, I, I wanted to talk to you, can I call you?” he asked pleadingly.

“You don’t seem to be ready for me today John,” she said sharply.

“And by the way doctor, there’s a person in there with you who might also need a little bit of your time.”